Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I'm so Wooooooooods!!!

*Cue up DJ Khaled and T-Pain*
I don't be tal-king to police, when I be cra-shing into trees, on my own damn property!
I got a bad blonde Swedish wife, and she be sa-ving up my life, even I be acting trife!


Just when white people thought it was safe to accept Tiger Woods as one of their own, he renews his black card (not the American Express either) starting at 2:25am in the Thanksgiving twilight. I'm sure all you guys are aware by now how the Golden Boy crashed his whip into a tree all by his lonesome in the wee hours of the morn while leaving his house, going 25 miles an hour (but somehow ending up unconscious) and that his super-succulent-snowflake wife "saved him by smashing the window with a golf club and pulling him out of the vehicle.

"Yeah the f**k right." - Everyone, including black people(who ain't trippin), white people (who vary from skeptical to nervous as s**t), to the cops (who are PISSED!)

But you know we Bros ain't tripping off that little lie now are we? For you see, Tiger Wiggity-Woods just kept it 10,000% with us black folks by keeping it somewhere around 15-20% with the law.

What could be more black of him?!?!?!

Big-titty skinny model blonde? White American Dream!

Just think about it for a second. Rich black guy with the white man's dream of a wife (more on that in a sec) of crashes his car all ignorant-like (who the f*** ends up unconscious without breaking 25mph??? Actually, that piss-poor driving is rather Asian of him. Guess he REALLY keeps it 100). Then she allegedly saved him! You know the Caucasian cops don't wanna hear that noise. They wanna hear about how trife he was being, they wanna hear that he was drunk and that he beat her and that he was smoking crack while driving and that the car had 20-inch rims and an under-age white girl inside, which is why wifey smashed his window. Right?

WRONG, America! Well, kinda. The part about them having a fight, him maybe trying to go see his jump-off, this may have some credence. Or a lot of credence.

Tiger and Elin probably had some crazy fight (verbal. No OJ.), and she chased him out of the house with a golf club, and his half-driving ass ran to the whip, aka the black man's refuge, didn't put his seatbelt on (explaining the unconsciousness) and crashed out so he wouldn't f*** around and run over his crazy wife and baby-moms, swerved and hit a tree/hydrant/whatever.
He was probably thinking, " my jump-off don't run off at the mouth so much, my jump-off don't wonder why I go out so much--OH SHIT!" And you know why? Cuz his wife is not the Black Man's Dream of a white girl. He was probably off checking in with some Nicki Minaj-looking shorty, or at least a boricua with a fat ass! I mean, you wife up and seed up your Swedish Fish, but you throw your line back into the ocean for some catfish and bacalao. YA DIG?!

During the day....

But at night....

Fact is, we're not sure, cuz Tiger followed Negro Rule #1, Crack Commandment #9 (which should've been #1 to B.I.G.), "if you ain't getting bagged, stay the f*** from po-lice."

5-0 are all like, "Tiger, buddy, why don't you make a statement to us so we and the public know what's going on?"

Tiger: "Nah I'm good. No alcohol in my system, no one got hurt but a fire hydrant. I'm straight."

5-0: "Oh aight nigger I see how it is..."


And you gotta love that about this whole thing, regardless of what you think about any other details, nahmsaying?

Tiger Woods, Y'all...



Rock said...

Some of the most brilliant one liners thus far in the tradition of the great man Showrocka himself. For every king an Heir, for a King a Crown. Too bad one of us isn't pepperican, than we'd have a Latin King. BTW, Fre King Tone!!! Paz.

Amir said...

I must say, some of your better work. One of my homegirls just sent me this line: "Tiger Woods' wife should've been working security at Obama's state dinner"