Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Gucci & Weezy (aka Ganstaliscious & Thugnificent) go to Jail

This is what it looks like...when thugs cry. LOL.


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That shit is dope right? I'm nice with the Microsoft Word game son!! Sike. I stole that off the Internet. LOL. What? I'm a blogger. I'm online all day!!! Nevertheless, on with the post Negroes & hoes.


Now it may sound strange that a nigga who's never been to jail is offering advice to niggas who are about to go to jail (and by default are indubitably more gangsta), but sometimes you need a fresh perspective from the outside. This being said, I would like to bring to light the inherent foolishness in the most common piece of pre-jail advice disseminated..."Don't drop the soap."



Ahhh, I get it. Don't drop the soap because it will lead to you being bent over thereby converting you into an easy target for Jail rapist predators.


WTF!!! Do you think these diesel ass niggas (who obviously aren't above taking their "boy-pussy") are siting there waiting like "ah ha...gotcha. You bent over and consequently my sly and cunning nature allowed me to take advantage and slip it in!!! 1 point for me"? Fuck no.




If they want it they're gonna try and take it anyway. you better just practice your naked karate and get some tips from your oriental friends.



JK. Karate is for all races...just ask this white man.


A better piece of advice is this, "Stay out the shower!!" sheeiiiiit, I assume its that much easier to get raped while naked, and if I were Weezy's size and trying to fight off the inevitable, the least I would do is make it difficult for the would-be rapist. Even better yet, (since you cant do a year long jail stint without showering), is this: "Hold ya head kid." This makes sense because by holding your head up you're more alert and less likely to get it bashed in.


And now for some more helpful jail advice....


For Gucci aka Gangstalicious (pause...Boondocks Reference):








--Wear a wife beater. You have enough tattoos to look tough, but if your shirt is off , your 12 year old boy chest and portly pot belly only make you look weak...or like a pedophiles dream. Watch out for Pleasure P (of Pretty Ricky)..he'll be joining you shortly.



--Be careful that you do not run into an drug dealer with whom you've had a previous altercation. You've been here before, you know the system.



--Stay away from the Crips. You shot and killed one of Young Jeezy's homeboys and he's heavily affiliated with that both Crips and BMF. As a matter of fact, you might as well try and align yourself with some bloods.


--Bring a blanket. It will be cold. Burrrrrrr!!! LOL.

--Do not tell everyone your best friend's name is O.J. They may confuse "da juiceman" with the original "Juice", aka Mr. "If I did it" Orenthal James. This may set off white prisoners and create a frenzy.



For Weezy aka Thugnificent (2nd Boondocks reference...get with it):





--Dont go to jail with your hair looking like this. Someone will fu*k your little tattooed ass right in the poop shoot.


--Kick the habit.



You definitely don't wanna be walking around the bing (jail) in a codeine induced haze. There will be no sweet dreaming, only "not so beautiful" nightmares. LOL.



--Start hanging out with real bloods and have Birdman call out every favor he's ever been owed so that you get butt raped as little as possible...playboy....



--Offer everyone record deals just so long as they protect you. As most of these people are better rappers than half of the numb skulls on your label, this gesture will seem both genuine and plausible.


--Fuck it. Tell evrybody that if they leave you alone you'll bring Nikki Minaj to the visiting room once a week. Sheeeiiiiiit. You'll be good with that one kid.






I know we make light of nearly any situation that doesnt involve ourselves being deprived of titties or sent to jail, but we here at Nappyheadedbros would like to acknowledge the seriousness of the situation at hand.


Two very small dudes are about to go to jail and be placed in very compromising situations. Not only will we pray for yall and wish you the best, we will also send you an Xmas time care package complete with the Bros #1 and #2 jailhouse X-mas gifts for people under 150 lbs. Soap Knuckles and Razor blade soap....cause soap on a rope is soooooooo
last year. :)










Live, Love, Freedom & Sheyla Hershey




--The Blogness Monsta

1 comment:

MW said...

I have to call "what the fuck?"-sies on the two white dudes pictured here.


Image 1: "Tool Academy 3 Audition Tape Still"

This is jail? The standards seem to be pretty lax. Hell, this is better furnished than some dorm rooms I've passed out it.

And who is "Lazar" (c.f. his inscrutable Cthulhuan tattoo), and why does he have those disgusting tupperware dishes filled with what looks like poorly-refrigerated leftovers? ...Again, step up from some dorm rooms I've woken up in next to strangers (...this year).

Finally, if Lazar (or, Lazarus, if his tattooist was a poor speller or ran out of room) is so built, why is his bottom bunk bitch such a chubby creampuff? We know who takes it up the rear in this room.

Image 2: "The Biggest Loser: Actual Loser Edition"

What's wrong with this picture? A lot. Let's hold off on too much commentary on this man's physique, but focus on his commitment to martial arts. Thanks to the apparent online instruction of "Snake-Fist Karate", even overweight drunkards can learn to fight like a Chinaman. In fact, the dotcom "sensei" is himself a fat honkey. Fitting!

Oh, and since this is an ancient Asian mystic art, why not crack open a Tsingtao and get to perfecting your body while you're in some hotel room and wanting to drink alone? Useful!

After all, you need to keep in fighting shape to continue slaying... wait, what the fuck are those skulls-and-crossbones tattoos on his arms supposed to be tallying? It seems our man of action has murdered at least nine (possible ten) playboy bunnies? Someone out to keep miscreants like these on a bottom bunk somewhere. ...Hey, Lazar, help this dude out!

In conclusion: Criminals, no matter how stupidly-named, should go to jail, but that still doesn't prevent the non-arrested assholes of the world from brightening up our days with a healthy dose of schadenfreude.