This post is about logging onto Facebook (the only legitimate form of communication other than text messaging) and seeing that "so and so, the neighborhood ho" just got Married!!!!!
Congratulations!! Hope your husband brought a mini toothbrush to the altar. I can still smell the residual frat boy semen in her teeth. Gross. I mean sure, people can turn over a new leaf, but really? A White dress? The only thing virgin about her is the drink she should've ordered instead of the pre-gangbang Jagerbomb.
This following events and post are actually inspired by a true story, which brings me to the following question...
Showrocka Presents: How well do you really know your ex-cum drinking wife?
First off, please don't confuse this as sexual braggadocio or banter. As always, I'm attempting to prove a thinly veiled point and drop a little gem of knowledge. Now, on with the fu*ked up Part.
I met ____ __________ (short 1st name, long last name) in a bar in the spring of _______.
We drank cheap pitchers of Yeungling (regional contextual clue) and danced to an awful blend of outdated hip hop and classic rock bar songs. About an hour and a half later she was getting her hair pulled from behind and demanding that whatever it was that was being done to her (a gentleman never tells... lol) be done harder and faster on a living room futon. Don't worry, the roomates weren't home...until they walked in on round two and asked if we wanted some late night leftovers to fuel our....errr....calorie burning and apparently noisy exercises.
You, I assume, met her under different circumstances and probably did not get to do filthy things to her until well after a month or so. If it makes you feel better, fellatio was not given until day # 2, as she "had to give [me] a reason to come back." And boy did I come back.
C4: Funny shit Rocka, but what is the point of this smut if your intent isnt to piss off a girl or particular guy ?
Show: It's funny you should mention that hater (c4 voice).
People always ask why I only rock with people I've grown up with. This is why. Sure a girl may be a newly changed woman, but the fact that her "cock goblin" alter-ego once existed is enough of a turnoff. Sure there's a huge double standard going on here, as I have done my fair share of disgusting, whoreish things...but guess what bitches...I'm not a girl. Ha !
What, then, is the remedy for this problem of not truly knowing your wife's past? I mean sure, every girl has slobbed a few knobs in college but it's the habitual top polishers that you want to be careful of. Here's 5 ways to spot them.
5. She is not a Doctor or nurse yet knows which antibiotics cure which venereal diseases.
4. She has close ties to a fraternity...not sorority nigga, fraternity. If her picture is on a wall of a fraternity you have bigger problems. Ask any frat boy what an "All Star" is.
3. She gives head with a condom. Extra ho points if it is a lubricated one... if she can roll it on with her mouth, she's an actual prostitute.
2. Her phone rings incessantly during reunion weekend around the same time as the bar closes.
1. She has slept with members of more than 2 college sports teams, or more than 1 member on the same college sports team.
Showrocka: 1, You: Zero.
There you have it. While this may not be a comprehensive list of was to tell if your wifey's college nickname was the village bicycle, you've gotta admit it is a pretty good gauge. Name me one girl who fits any of these descriptions and tell me she isn't a ho. Ha, you can't. Sorry to burst your pre or post marital bubble of bliss, but some things just need to be said. You girls are slick, but I'll be damned if I get caught marrying one who I wouldn't even feel comfortable drinking after. Sorry fellas...and you in particular. If it offers you any consolation, its better to have my sloppy seconds than some other dude who isn't as awesome. Hahahahaha.
Till we meet (no homo for saying meat) again Mr. Sperm drinking husband!! Pause.
Live, Love, Stirring up trouble in the tradition of 50 Cent