Friday, November 13, 2009

The Pieces, Pieces, Pieces of She...

Bethany Hamilton, whose arm was bitten off by a shark at age 13 while she was surfing.

Men are disgusting, dirty creatures with low standards. This is fact. At the end of the day most dudes would have sex with most chicks. The fat, the ugly, the black white brown yellow red pancake tittied no-ass-at-all cross-eyed hairy legged women of the world can clearly attest to this, cuz SOMEONE is dicking down these monsters (hopefully not the ones from last Wednesday though, YUCK!).

Of course, this is granted no one finds about your gross exploit, right? Right. Not cuz you're above these freak show hoes, it's that you're above being clowned about it.

But how far would you go? How bad is still acceptable for a ninja to be able to still look at himself in the mirror without vomiting all over his reflection?

Well the Blog Face Killah has explored this topic, so you don't have to. Me and Lu Deezy sat down and figured out which deformities should, and should not, stop a man from dipping his mozarella stick in the marinara sauce of an otherwise attractive woman.

Let's get the unacceptable ones out of the way first. After much thought, care, and deliberation, Lu and I could only think of three scenarios that would make us go, "no thanks," no matter how sexy she was otherwise.

The following deformities and handicaps are just too much to overcome. For me to bone you.

1. No Nose.
The nose is the part of the body only noteworthy when something's wrong with it. Absence? Very wrong. No nose = No-No. And yes, the Michael Jackson pic was too easy.

2. Hairlip.
I won't even show you the pic on this one. Just looks way too nasty. I mean, unless she's clearly a prostitute you're going to have to kiss her first, right? Yeah. Thought so.

3. One Breast.
Looks cancerous, reminds us of psycho amazon women who are 9ft tall. Just. Canna. Do it. Cap'N.


That's all from the losers. Here are our winners!!!

One Arm:

You wouldn't hit that? Stop LYING, son! Hi, Bethany...

One day back when I was living in Washington Heights I was walking through the hood and saw this baaaaaaaad shorty at the end of the block, talking to somebody. Her body was SO right. Long, black voluminously bouncy hair, frame so slender she was almost too skinny, phat ass, well-proportioned breasts, all wrapped up in this tight f***-me dress that exposed her mofongo-nourished thighs. Something was off though. It appeared her dress, which had long sleeves, had one baggy sleeve. "From back here it looks like she's got one arm," I thought. I moved in closer, because I was walking in that direction anyway so I didn't feel so bad about the mini-stalk. Sure enough, one arm. And you know what? Still. Bad. As hell. I wanted to wife her. Besides, I'm not f***in her arm! It's got nothing to do with anything I want from her physically. What's the drawback? Can't give the best handjob? I'm not 13, I don't want a stupid handjob anyway. For the scopply bobbly she ain't supposed to use her hands anyway. Maybe one to keep steady but I want at least 75% slow neck action, ya dig?!

She swag, she surf, she swag, she surf....

So yeah, one-armed chicks are good to go. All you're missing is a strong hug and a sturdy base for bracing herself when you're waxing dat ass doggystyle, and even that doesn't matter cuz you can counterbalance with a little hair-pull, or just a tight grip on the handlebars....ya dig?

One Leg:

Yes, this is the most controversial of the missing body parts, because it has the most pros and cons. Let's get the cons out of the way. Yes, she's missing a leg. It looks kinda crazy. She can't get into your standard positions the way you're used to maneuvering them. But on the flip side, you can do ALL KINDS of things you could never do with a two-legged girl. Think of the angles you could freak. The easier access to the target. I would get BUSY with a one-legged chick. In fact, I think one-legged chicks be turning dudes out left and right. You know she slutty, bitch gotta compensate for having one leg. Let's go to the pics!

Top 3 One-Legged Chicks I Found On The Internet

3.

2.

1.


One Ear:

You'll barely notice, honestly. Chicks with long hair, you never see their ears anyway. Plus you can probably say more f***d up sh!t around them as long as you know which side you're sitting on when you say it. That's good for your relationship because you get to vent without as many consequences. One-eared woman = healthy relationship.

One Eye:
Especially if she's rocking an eye patch. In fact, ONLY if she's wearing an eye patch. Why? Cuz everybody wants some pirate booty! Just ask my dude from The Lou, and he'll let you know how F***ING INCREDIBLE it was to smash a hot chick with an eye patch. I'm just saying. And oh yeah, if there's no eye patch, and you're just chilling with a socket, ABORT. Because that's careless and gross. She can see how gross it is with that other eye.
But don't believe me, listen to more testimonials demonstrating the power of the patch. The picture below and the following paragraph I lifted from a blog claiming that the above woman is the 4th hottest chick in a horror movie of all time. And horror movies have some sexy women! None of whom can act, but sexy nonetheless.
"4) Christina Lindberg- Thriller: A Cruel Picture Here is one from the exploitation world that thats not quite a hosehold name, so I was extremely happy that several of the people who helped mentioned Christina. I guess thats what happens when you look as dead sexy as she does in Thriller: A Cruel Picture. If you havent seen this movie, I suggest you do so as you will never find a sexier one-eyed, mute chick hellbent on revenge than Christina. It doesnt hurt that her eye patch is the biggest article of clothing she has on sometimes."

Hov approved Rihanna to rock the patch as a means to rectify her sexiness post-beatdown. Case in point....


Live From Hell,

C4 2 Ya Door

1 comment:

Rock said...

As long as the nubs are smooth (i.e. not ashy or reminiscent of Freddy Kruger's face) and the girl has a cute mug, a double amputee can get it. Quadruple is really pushing it though. Could be fun though, and I wouldnt knock it till I tired. That being said, I'm gonna start light and try to get the contact info for the 1 legged hottie in th jean skirt.