Thursday, November 19, 2009

L'eggo My Eggo, N***A!

"Kellogg Co. says there will be a nationwide shortage of its popular Eggo frozen waffles until next summer because of interruptions in production at two of the four plants that make them.

The company's Atlanta plant was shut down for an undisclosed period by a September storm that dumped historic amounts of rain in the area. Meanwhile, several production lines at its largest bakery in Rossville, Tenn., are closed indefinitely for repairs, company spokeswoman Kris Charles said in an e-mail." -Associated Press

Fat N***a-Emergency!!! There is a nationwide shortage of Eggo Waffles right now, and fat people are going crazy! Clashes of Titans have broken out in Walmarts, Sam's Clubs, Costco's and BJ's (no blintz) all over the country, particularly in the Midwest and Deep South.

Several women named "Precious" have been injured at Eggo retail locations in Little Rock, Baton Rouge, and Tallahassee. At the Little Rock Sam's Club, Precious Brown was struck in the back of the head with a pack of short ribs by an unknown assailant, later discovered to be her sister, Special. Charges are still pending because Precious Brown refuses to drop them until "dat b***h break me off with some syrup."Atlanta and Los Angeles residents seem to be coping more healthily, helped in large part by triage and counseling provided by Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles.

Unfortunately for Wisconsin residents, alcoholism and drunk driving incidents have spike 7% in the last 24 hours, as fat people driving Smart (ironic!) Cars have been swerving over icy roads trying to grab that final box of Eggo Waffles.
Seaside residents have fled to the waters to subsist on their stored Eggo waffle rations for the winter, although several boats have already sunken and the Coast Guard is working around the clock to find and rescue these tubbies who are still alive, afloat in several locations along the Gulf Coast.

Dorie Turner of the Associated Press had this to say from her Atlanta outpost (hint: this part is actual news!)

It will take until the middle of 2010 before shelves around the country are stocked at pre-shutdown levels, Charles said.

Already customers are noticing near-empty Eggo shelves on the freezer aisle at many grocery stores.

Stay-at-home mom Joey Resciniti says she bought one of the last two boxes of Eggos at a Walmart in Cranberry Township, Pa., on Monday. The frozen waffles are a favorite of her 4-year-old daughter, Julia.

"We have eight of them, and if we ration those — maybe have half an Eggo in one sitting — then it'll last longer," said Resciniti, who blogs about being a mother. "I told my husband that maybe I need to put them on eBay."

Watch that dumb s**t happen too. Cuz who has more time to sit around at a computer bidding on waffles than fat people?! (Breaking News: 40 people stopped reading this blog and went to the eBay site for waffles five seconds ago.) Then they fat ass don't even need to leave the house, because the waffles are getting DELIVERED!

The existing stock of Eggos will be distributed nationally based on stores' sales histories of the waffles, Charles said.

"We are working around the clock to restore Eggo store inventories to normal levels as quickly as possible," she wrote in the e-mail.

Breaking News: towns in Tennessee and Georgia have tripled in population to accomodate the "Waffle-Walkers."

This week, news of the shortage spread quickly on Twitter as shoppers reported not being able to find the breakfast food. Fans of Eggos lamented their scarcity on the waffle's Facebook page, which has more than 400 members.

I just checked the page, it's now 511 members.

Once mo' 2 ya do' with a waffle iron in tow,


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