Monday, November 9, 2009

How to be a Ho (Pt. 1): Female Edition

" I been in this game for years, it made me an animal...there's rules to this shit, I wrote me a manual." --The Notorious B.I.G.

When everyone's favorite Overweight Lover, (No, not Heavy D), recited that famous line, he probably wasn't talking about hoes. So what. Now that I've postomusly jacked it from his fat ass, I'm making it relevant in regards to the curvacious convoys of corageously cock craving and cum covered, candy coochied cuties.

That's right...this one right here is for the hoes... Not the "I have sex for money" girls affectionately known as whores or prostitutes, but rather for the golddiggers...the cock lovers...the best friend bangers...and the around the way girls that have really , and I mean really, been "around the way." We love yall.

As a matter of fact, we love yall so much that I'm willing to risk my own integrity (LOL) by giving you a set of rules and regulations which will allow you to safely ho yourself around without anyone being the wiser. Thank me later...with the back of your throat. Owwww.

Showrocka Presents: How to Be a Ho (Pt. 1): Female edition.

10. F**k whoever you want, but only date guys from out of town who don't know your history.

I know hoes, and this shit applies. Save your man the trouble of being embarrased when he's in the club with 5 dudes he knows has hit it. If your man is from out of town, however, he doesn't know all the dudes that hit it and its like an inside joke ...on him. lol.

9. Don't live in the same town as your baby's father, and don't bring casual booty calls around your child.

That's just good parenting. Yes, you had your baby young and still deserve a life. Party, get wasted, fu*k dudes. Don't, however, bring all them weed smoking STD harboring thugs and wannabe Porn Stars around your little man. Not only could they be a bad influence on your child, your child may also accidentially snitch on you. Oh yea, and there will come a time when your child learns what a "ho" is, and calls you out on it. lol.

8. Please remove all do-rags, wave grease, timberlands and basketball shorts from plain sight.

Maybe a doobee wrap scarf, but we know yall women don't use wave grease, and we know if you're not a carpet muncher, you dont play ball. Just have the courtsey to straighten up a little. Also, this = telling on yourself in much more detail than simply having the toilet seat up. If we see a container of JAM and a Do-Rag with wave grease we know you're banging a nigga with a low cut and a nigga with dreads!!! You aren't even a ho with a preference. SMH.

7. Assume that all guys you've banged that know each other also know that you're banging them all.

Come on. Guys dont talk as much as girls, but they do talk about crazy sexual exploits and good pu**y. Trust me. We know your history before you know we know keep it 100 and tell the truth.

6. Change your sheets after each mate!!

Not only do we not want to catch ringworm, see skeet, or vagina juice stains...we also don't wanna smell the other niggas Sean John Cologne or Musilum Oil. This also helps you out because if you have a generic name and niggas are trying to decipher if they're boning the same girl, the "oh, did she have red and blue Hilfiger sheets?" line won't apply.

5. Don't catch feelings...duh.

Self explanitory. This will put you on the fast track to make the transition from ho to dumb bitch. Go ahead, cry. No one feels sorry for a hoe. Unless she gets murdered...then white PETA supporters and vegetarians might care.

4. Don't let dudes sleep over. Kicking them out levels the playing field.

Make sure they know they aren't gaming you! You want something just as they do...then it's on to the next one. This also lets him know that you aren't smitten and that if it wasn't good, he can get replaced.

3. Protect yourself.

Yea, yea. Condoms, birth control, yada yada. What I mean is don't get fucked up by getting greedy and scheduling double booty calls within 15 minutes of each other. A man can sense when he's getting rushed out the door, and if he's gangsta, he may want to fight a dude on principal, despite the fact that he can give a rats ass about you. If you don't care about the less gangsta of your booty calls getting fucked up, then fine...maybee you'll care when your landlord evicts you for that hoodrat shit.

2. Only let your current dick donor bring Corona or Hard Liquor to your crib.

We know bitches drink corona and at times Heineken. If we get to the crib and see Sam Adams or Budwieser thats as obvious as us leaving used condom wrappers on the floor. Sure we know you're banging other dudes, but we dont need to think about it right before penetration. Also, if we bring a 12 pack of Guinness and don't finish it...we expect it to be there when we return next week, simply because we know hoes dont drink Guinness!!!! If it's gone a nigga drank it!!! Corona's on the other hand (or hard liquor) we can convince ourselves that you and your girls drank. LOL.

1. Don't fu*k dudes on South Beach or During All Star weekend.

I know the dudes are mad at me for this one, but I'm just keeping it 100.

Niggas know that girls infatuated with the bottle popping, club hopping nightlife and celeb siting at both these places are the worst type of hoes. These hoes are probably there, and at Virginia beach, each year waiting to get drunk and piped. I know a lot of you are thinking, so? Why does it matter if shes a hoe? Listen up junior...peep game.

It matters because a Ho should always be in control of the situation and feel happy with the situation's outcome. The key is to not let dudes know you are a ho. Let them think you are a "freak" and you will be treated with much more may even get a "real" phone number (rather than a boost mobile) and be able to call him next time you need some good di*k or a ticket to south beach. LOL.

Live, Love, Happy Ho-Hunting


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