Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Girl you gon' think I invented Text

EeeeYuuuuuppppppp. (Trey Songz Voice.)

Pause. No homo.

I dropped a heavy post yesterday and am consequently going lighthearted today. I always take lack of feedback as "nigga that post was whack" or "cater to your audience, we're not intelligent enough to understand that shit!" LOL. Nevertheless, just keep reading Ivy educated, semi-literate and state school bitches!!

Welcome to college in the Internet age. If you've been there, you should be all too familiar with the concept of NEVER USING YOUR CELL PHONE TO CALL CHICKS!! That's right, white people (big up to Al gore for stealing the concept of Internet from the military) came up with this brilliant thing called AIM, or AOL Instant messenger.

Now, not only can you avoid long, boring conversations, drown out the obnoxious drone of his or her voice and eliminate awkward silences, you can also "cut and Paste" game...you know? Simultaneously holla at multiple hos with the same dialogue with the click of a button.

What then, becomes of the college educated playboy who's slowly losing his social skills, when he enters into the real world where AIM is not an acceptable form of communication? (Insert ominous music). He makes do. That's right, Gchat and Text messages are the grown up way of avoiding face to face interaction (until it is time for sex) and keeping a harem of technologically savvy hos on deck. Don't feel bad, they're probably texting 5 dudes at a time too.

That being said, "textin is a habit....get like me (Chris Brezy voice)." Just learn how to do it right.

Girl you gon' think I Invented Text: Showrocka's Text Rules

10. If you are doing dirt, put a lock on your phone and DO NOT leave it lying around.

Disclaimer: If you have a lock on your phone be prepared to explain why you have that lock on the phone and how it IS NOT related to you doing dirt.

9. Always send a "hey, what's up" tester text before you say some illegal or kinky shit, as you do not know who he or she is with, or who is borrowing the phone to make a call.

Wouldn't wanna say "it felt soo good with my di*k in the back of your throat" if her moms happens to be borrowing the cell. Trust me, text messages do pop up full screen on an iphone, even when you are having a convo.

8. Don't text stalk.

If you've sent 3 consecutive messages with no reply, wait for one. Do not start getting mad or texting on some "I'm Eminem, I'm obsessed with Mariah Carey shit." Texts sent within 5 minutes of each other, however, count as "1 text instance".

7. Don't interrupt texting with a phone call, unless it is specifically requested.

Most likely the person doesnt like you enough for an actual convo, they are somewhere loud, or just prefer texting.

6. Don't delete all your text messages from the opposite sex...it looks suspicious.

Also, be sure you're texting the right person. True story, I once texted mom when I was trying to text Moni. Yea. Thats what she said.

5. Though I do this all the time, I know its wrong and inherently dangerous. Don't text and drive for obvious reasons.

4. Do not start using text-isms in real life.

It is ok to type LOL or OMG (though its kinda gay), but not OK to say LOL in a real life convo!!

3. Don't date a girl you have only had text conversations with. Bad idea. This is like looking at a menu at Mcdonalds (with all the succulent, juicy burgers aka grade F meat portrayed in the best possible light) and deciding to buy a franchise!

2. Don't send forwards. It's gay and pointless. If you hear a moderately funny joke do you feel the need to immediately call your friends and tell them? Hell no. Have some phone courtesy and stop flooding inboxes with dumb shit. If you have naked pix of yourself, feel free to forward those.

1. Once you've crossed into "textual healing" or "sexting" territory, you may need to admit you have a sex addiction problem. There is, however, a free hotline which will help you with your issues. Just dial 203-60.......LOL. Actually, just hit Showrocka@gmail and we'll handle the situation. Hahaha.

Live, Love, Havin' Fun.....Eeeeyyyyyyup.


Anonymous said...

Good post but I accidentally scrolled down too far and saw that disgusting chimp chick!! I've been trying to erase that image out of my mind since yesterday! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Dear NappyHeadedBro (a la Dear Abby), if you delete ALL text messages on a regular basis, how suspicious is that? not all phones can hold up to a year's worth of texts and sometime's it's just easier to delete them all than to pick and choose. Thank you.
-Concerned reader

Rock said...

Dear concerned reader,
Deleting all text messages is fine. Deleting all texts from the opposite sex only, is not fine.

True Story.

Akira said...

Nothing about pictures/MMS? Shocking.

Akere said...

And another thing, avoid texting ya boy to gloat about what you are about to do a chick that you are simultaneously textin. Every once in a while, you're gonna fold and accidently send a text meant for ya mans to da girl and then you got some 'splainin to do.