Friday, November 20, 2009

Follow The Dress Code: It's For Your Own Good

Yea, we're late. So what. We're on CP Time. Lucky for you all, we have a treat for that ass.

The Blogness Monsta and the Baltimore Blog Killah are back!! Together!!!! Pause.

Now normally I don't peddle racist rhetoric and crackpot conspiracy theories (lol), but this one is too good to pass up. We African Americans (Just kidding, we call ourselves black because we dont throw spears and eat goat balls) tend to believe that club dress codes are racially motivated screening methods for keeping night clubs "separate but equal."

Actually, this is the god honest truth so it really isnt a conspiracy theory at all. Funny thing is, however, that I bet the club owners thought process before arriving at the "OK, this is how we will keep out Niggas" decision is hilarious enough to overshadow the inherent hurtfulness of being judged by the color of ones skin rather than the content of their character, swag and di*k size. Pause.

Lets take a look into the minds of these shady yet comical club owners, shall we...

What it Says: Grown & Sexy

What it Means: Don't look like an asshole who's never been to a business casual function.

Also What it Means: Bitches present unimpressed by Jordans and Throwbacks.

Think of it like this. You can't hunt deer with a BB gun, or even an uzi. If you want the best prize, don't go in the spot wearing your PJs, so you attract nobody, but don't roll up in there with the intention of impressing hoodrats.

Same way chicks are in there trying to snag dudes with loot, you should be in there looking for a shorty with a degree, or at least some cosmetic training! (i kid, i kid...kinda.), and she doesn't come running because of the baby blue Chargers jersey. She doesn't even know who Steve Largent is....and neither do you so stop frontin!

What it Says: No Athletic Footwear

What it Means: I Don't Care How Much You Spent, Your Shiny Sneakers Make You Look Stupid, And They Are Not Welcome Here.

Show: Fuck you C-4. My Shiny Prada's would've cost me 370 if they were real!!!!

This is the cautionary tale for all you guys who think it's cool to pay $300+ for Bapestas or whatever random ass patent leather shoe is hot right now. My dude: it's still PATENT leather, i.e. fake leather. And it's still something you can't wear at business meeting, you shouldn't wear at a wedding, and if I catch yo ass wearing them to a funeral then yours is up next, ass-clown. This is the lesson you must learn for thinking you are Pharrell. You are not, and therefore can't get away with what he does.

No Timberlands Clause:

Show: Timbs are suede and unlike leather sneakers which can be wiped off when someone steps on them, suede must be drycleaned. You niggas like to kill each other over shoes AND probably cannot even spell dryclean. Please, save yourselves the embarrassment

C4:Yeah. And dry clean is two words.

Show:hahaha. Whatever.

Apparently a banana peel can cure a scuffed boot.

Apparently it also looks very gay.

What it Says: No Hats

What it Means: No Hiding

I know, I know, it matches your polo and your kicks (which you shouldn't have on anyway!). But let's keep it 100, here. You wore that hat for one of two reasons. Either you're hiding from the sun, or you're hiding your lack of shape-up.

It's night time right now and there's no sun in the club anyway...not much lighting for that matter. So you should take that cap, and your seismograph hairline on home, sucka. Cuz if you couldn't afford a shape-up, why you paying a cover and buying drinks? That chick ain't gonna f**k you anyway, cuz even if y'all get home you gotta take your hat off eventually.

Exception to the rule: if your hat (NOT a fitted!) is fly. No. No amount of rhinestones will make your hat fly. It's anti-fly. It's never cool to borrow swag from pre-pubescent girls and country western singers. Snap back hats also aren't cool you gay ass hipsters and wanna be Newboyz/ Cool Kids/ Kid Cudi/ Retro backpackers. That is all.

Show: WORSE. my dad bought a bedazzler and has been going bananas....he had a rhinestoned Texas Longhorns hat yesterday talkin bout, "yea, i can sell this on EBAY.”

C-4: yikes

Show:My idea was to embroider ski masks with the word "Goon", and rhinestone "goonette" for the ladies.

C-4: might as well write "Coon" on it, cuz those are the only ppl buying that shit.

Yes, that's a display case for the rhinestone cuff product this coon-targeting company is selling.

An appeal to corporate AmeriKKKa. Please stop the Tomfoolerifical coon-tas-tit-trofic mis-urbinization of all things nonsensical. Thank you. Much Obliged.

No Chains

What they're really thinking:

What they want to say: Look dude. Just because you’re ancestors hung from trees like blackfaced piƱatas at a KKK birthday party doesn’t give you the right to walk around with a 10-kt gold reminder adorned with a gaudy depiction of our white Jesus. God forbid you have a flashback in our establishment and start trying to get revenge in the name of your cousin (or play cousin) Emit till (Google him). Also, half those chains are fake. We wouldn’t want people thinking that green rash on your neck is contagious thereby causing them to leave our club.

Why Katt, Why!!!!!!!!

Actually that’s all racist rhetoric BS. We really don’t want you wearing chains because it reminds us of the lost opportunity Abe Lincoln fu**ed up for everybody. Also, your chain hangs down to you scrotum and therefore has the tendency to bang tables, barstools and low hanging GILF titties…not to mention your diamonds…I mean Cubic Zirconias smell like ball sack.

No White T's

What they're really thinking:

We wouldn't want someone mistaking this for a Hanes commercial. Also, this leads to a slippery slope of white jeans after labor day (think weezy), white hoodies, and eventually...white hoods. Insert ominous music.


There you have it. Please send comments and suggestions to someone who cares. Owwww Owwwwww. Nappy Boyssssssssssss!!! (T-Pain Voice.)

Live, Love, Clubs, Hoes and Dro that gets ya eyes Low.

Show and C-Fo'

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