Friday, November 6, 2009

Desperate Housewives Infantry

Good mooooorning, Viet-naaaaaaam! Brook-nom, Vietnam, that is.
We're from Nepal, thank you. Mess it up again and you feel the blade, AND the bullet.

C4 returns to ya door this morning to tackle a very sensitive issue in an unsensitive manner: basically our daily business here at NappyHeadedBros. Now normally I don't get all political on this site, but with a possible resurgence of troops in Afghanistan (I bet your punk ass didn't know that, cuz you don't read the news. But I bet you know what Rihanna had for breakfast this morning, don'tcha? E! does not count as the news!!!!) there has been a lot of talk about how we can feasibly accomplish that without doing the old George W. "send em back five times until they're certified serial killers and can no longer function in society" move.

Well luckily for America, NappyHeadedBros.com exists. Yeah I said it. America, bitches. C4 The Blog Strategerist has devised a simple, fool-proof system for curing our countries woes of lack of enlistment. Two words, people: Women, Gays. That's it. F*** a punch line. It's just too easy. People who watch Desperate Housewives should be able to serve in the military, in any branch and place on the battlefield. Yes, if you watch Desperate Housewives, you are gay, a woman, or both. Now let's get into the reasoning, ladies first.

Women? Flaming? Coincidence? I think not.

You can put women on the front lines

Yes you can, and yes I know the rational argument against it. Women, by genetics, aren't strong enough to carry the weight (literally) of being on the front lines, in a situation such as having to physically lift a fallen comrade to safety. This is true, on average. But I don't want an average woman doing stuff like that. Save the most brolic, hardcore, testosterone-filled (internally...I mean...inside...I...shut up you know what I mean!!!) chicks fighting alongside men in the infantry.
And to solve the problem for regular-sized women, employ the time-tested prejudiced means of appeasing a disfranchised group of people who for some reason still want to serve the country that abuses them like a rapist molester. Yup, just like with black soldiers back in the day, employ all-female platoons...and watch em whoop ass like a 'roided up school nun. Would you bet against an entire platoon on it's collective period? Those bitches would have NO MERCY! In fact, I'll go ahead and bet that not only would the first successful platoon of this kind come back with all kinds of medals of honor, but it will also be promptly stripped of those same medals for committing some of the most unspeakable war crimes known to man...I mean humankind. Why? Because women have it locked when it comes to disproportionate response. (See: Left-Eye, Andre Rison. Also see: Waiting To Exhale. On second thought, don't do that second thing.)

You have mildly inconvenienced me. I'm going to obliterate your village!

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right? What about a woman whose fellow soldier just got killed? Better yet, what about someone whose lover was just killed in battle. Which brings me to the gays. First off, you're an idiot if you think there aren't gays serving in the military right now, albeit in secret, which is bullshit, due to the U.S.'s uniquely homophobic military system. No I'm not saying other militaries aren't homophobic, I'm just saying that ours is so homophobic it's getting in the way of progress, and that's just ridiculous.

But back to being irresponsible.
I know you ain't just stab my baby!!!

Remember 300? You know, that movie where a small group of good-looking diesel white guys with perfectly CGI-enhanced abs defeated a seemingly infinite number of ugly evil dark people? Yeah that one. That was the gayest thing ever. And it goes to a very good point. Back in the ancient Greek/Roman times, dudes were boning dudes left and right, all out in the open. 300 soldiers? 250 liked to put it in man-butt. There's no way that you fight that hard for someone unless it's your wifey (umm...husbandy?). And you know what? That gets results. So who cares if Private So and So develops a crush on Sergeant This and That. Good. Now he'll go even harder! (No H....nevermind.)

Now for the fun part. I was at picvault.org looking at pics of female soldiers around the world, and I was left with some superlatives:

Most Gangsta: Portugal
Hottest: Tie

Brazil


Finland


And I shit you not, friends. This is what popped up under an image search for "gays in the military." Enjoy.



C4 2 Ya Door,

Ya Dig?!

4 comments:

Show said...

Heavy.

Gavin Simmons McCullum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gavin Simmons McCullum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gavin Simmons McCullum said...

Also, the most gully fighting women on earth are within the ranks of the PKK. Portugal and sh**