Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What If I was Gay...10 Gay Questions.

At the risk of my "no homo" usage getting out of control with this post, I'm going to use a different phrase each time I want to say it. Agreed? Agreed. Ok, now lets get down to business (in a completely heterosexual manner.) See? I told you I could do it.



The other day I was talking to my pops about how my frat brother A.C and I had planned on working out in the gym every day our senior year with the hopes of becoming muscular bartenders at a gay bar, thereby soliciting maaaaaaad tip money. Yes, I know it sounds gay as the first AIDS but at the time it seemed like a good idea. No rainbow.





Show: I'm just saying....Male bartenders don't really make tips anywhere else.


Pop: Ummmm....That's pretty Gay.


Sis: You can't just lead people on! They're gonna test you...and then what if you get followed and gang raped.


Show: Excuse me!!! (No "Twan from Men on Film"). That wouldn't happen. Whatever, you guys are taking this out of context.


Well, I'm sure you can see that convo heading toward a downward, semen covered spiral so lets fast forward to the good stuff....



It sounds kinda crazy, but all this gay convo got me to thinking (southern voice)...


What if I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas Gay? 10 Gay Questions. LMAO.

This has got to be the gay equivalent of that chick with the "dicksucka" tattoo on her chest from the other day. Neither of these humans respect themselves.

10. Is dating someone who looks exactly like me gay, or just vain?
C4: Well if you're already gay, then it's just vain. Actually it's just vain either way. I'm looking at you, Ms. Ra-Ra. That dude you were with all through college could have been your brother. Gross.



9. Would I always date someone my exact size so we could have twice as much fly gear?
C4: In this recession, that's just good for the economy.



8. Would arguments just escalate to fists...and is that OK?
C4: Technically still domestic violence, but since I know you I feel like if you were gay you wouldn't date the kind of guy who would call the cops on you cuz he lost a fair one. And if he did y'all should break up. And you should get a lawyer.



7. Would I still like Titties? Or would C4 and I be writing a four part blog series on D*ck. LOL. I know...uncalled for...but funny. Pause.
C4: Why do WE have to write about d**k just cuz you're gay? It would probably be a back and forth argument about which type of genitals is better, with me penning pro-p***y paragraphs while you go on about d**k like Lil Kim at a computer.



6. Would I tie my football jersey up in a knot while rooting for the Phila Eagles?
C4: Probably. Just to show off your tats.



5. Is it at all gay that I became angered when my gay homie said, and i quote "I've slept with black guys before...definitely some cuter than you!"
C4: A little. But more vain than gay. But still a little gay.



4. Would I date someone with the same taste in porn so that we could simultaneously pop off to the same computer screen to save time?
C4: No comment.



3. Would sword fighting be the new slap boxing?? LMAO
C4: LMAO! Ugh.




2. Could I call my dude a bitch if I catch him watchin Oprah or Lifetime...or would it depend on "who went first" the previous night. LOL. No-brown helmet.
C4 leaves the room.



1. Would we both, gay or not, think that Miss J Alexzander from Top Model looks like a complete and utter Jackass? no wait....a Jack-assed coon spook. Yes, that's a much better term.



Coon-Spook! Lmao again. Brilliant!!!





Anyways, as I'm sure you all can see, I don't believe in any subject being taboo. Sure I could stop using the phrase"no homo" so much, but sheiiiiit....I could also stop saying "Nigga", "Bitch" and "Hogwash Tomfoolery." Let's be honest...no one wants that.


In the end I guess you have to be able to accept the offensive nature of this blog and find the apparent irony or underlying message of every foul mouthed expletive spewed by the one they call Showrocka the Blog-ness Monsta. I didn't even apologize when i accidentally stabbed my boy Boozay (see, you're fine kid...you've almost got feeling back in that hand too), so I damn sure am not gonna apologize for speaking the truth. I keep it 100 and you love me for it.


And if I was gay....I'd keep it 100 too, all the while saying "haaaaaaaaaaay." LOL.



Live, Love, The apparent Irony of it all


Show-Sho (yep. That's it.)



P.S. I guess I can finally admit my guilt, sorry for stabbing you Boozay. Also, no homo for the aforementioned post. Please send me pictures of your titties so that I may cleanse myself. :)

4 comments:

MW said...

Oh, boy! Here we go...

10 answers to the gay questions Showrock has been pondering for longer than you suspect:

10. Is dating someone who looks exactly like me gay, or just vain? Both.

9. Would I always date someone my exact size so we could have twice as much fly gear? You'd actually date men 1.5 times your size, mainly because you like to be cuddled. But, that's OK, since black men like bigger clothing anyway. You'll have a wide array of ridiculously oversized T-shirts. ...But seriously, sharing a wardrobe is a huge benefit.

8. Would arguments just escalate to fists...and is that OK? I don't think fisting usually follows an argument. But sometimes, I guess you might get so angry you just want to hand-spelunk?

7. Would I still like Titties? Drink a few beers and see what happens? At least you'd like them ironically.

6. Would I tie my football jersey up in a knot while rooting for the Phila Eagles? There's gay, and then there's gay. You may have always wanted to be a "Man on Film", but there's a limit. I'd actually like to see you get into a bar fight with some rabid gay Eagles haters! Next time, in Canada?

5. Is it at all gay that I became angered when my gay homie said, and i quote "I've slept with black guys before...definitely some cuter than you!" It's true. Accept it. Move on, and you'll feel better. (See Q10 for "vanity")

4. Would I date someone with the same taste in porn so that we could simultaneously pop off to the same computer screen to save time? You mean, you don't already date someone who likes midgets throwing spaghetti at fat Blatinas' asses as they fuck them? You need a more compatible mate!

3. Would sword fighting be the new slap boxing?? LMAO Keep your dagger in its sheath; it's no match for a broadsword. Or, a katana? (Hey, sometimes they curve)


2. Could I call my dude a bitch if I catch him watchin Oprah or Lifetime...or would it depend on "who went first" the previous night. LOL. No-brown helmet. No, but you can call him a fag.

1. Would we both, gay or not, think that Miss J Alexzander from Top Model looks like a complete and utter Jackass? no wait....a Jack-assed coon spook. Yes, that's a much better term. You watch Top Model? Are you sure you even need to be asking this "what if" questions?

P.S. You could still make some serious tips as a gay bartender, but: a) You'd have to be shirtless; and b) You'd get hit on a lot. ...Actually, that might stroke your ego too much (..."in a completely heterosexual manner").

Rock said...

I don't know who's answers are better, yours or C4's newly inserted Hogwash but Kudos (no homo) to you both. I love my friends....in a completely heterosexual manner. Hahahaha.

MW said...

Does that fact that this was posted at almost 5:30 AM mean that you were wrestling with these questions all night? Or was it just self-reflection after a night of wrestling with one of the boys from gaythugdating.com ? Ha!

P.S. C4 didn't rebuttal on Q1. I guess the term "jack-assed coon spook" was a bit over the top even for the other nappy-headed bro? Though, I suppose the method of combining two slurs to make a new superslur is both tried and true.

khaki said...

#dead#