Monday, October 19, 2009

Nappy Headed Errors & Omissions

Good Morning, Nappy Friends! In case y'all didn't know, your favorite blog reached an important milestone on Friday, as this website officially turned six months old! Over the past six months you've been with us through several conspiracy theories, rankings, lists of things you should try, things that are not okay, general tomfoolery and all-around debauchery. If you're reading right now we haven't completely offended you yet so that's a good thing, and I'd go as far as to say that we stay pretty on-point here.

We ain't perfect, though, and on occasion, we do get things wrong or forget to include everything we wanted to, for various reasons. This is why C4 2 Ya Door & Show Rocka the Blogness Monsta present to you:

Nappy Headed Errors & Omissions: Six-Month Edition

1. Breasts!!!
Everything I said about C-Cups, is actually true for D-cups. D's are the Jordans of Breasts. C's, for being more common and accessible (some would say affordable), are rally more like Air Force Ones. Clean + Brand New = Fresh to Death! Scuffed? Old? Unkempt? Then it's just a run of the mill sneaker. So in short, if you really wanna be like Mike, Throw Some D's on dat b!tc# !!! Oh yeah, I stand by what I said about A's, B's and DD's. Click the hyperlinks to refresh your memory.

2. Flyest White Chicks In Music
Biggest lesson I learned is you can never make people happy with rankings. A lot of you, even my own Nappy Headed Bro, came right at my neck for this whole list, spouting off all these women who had nothing to do with music. Read the whole title before you stare at the pics, people. But I digress. Also, my definition of "Fly" includes personal style and quality of music with how the woman looks. I didn't say "Sexiest" or "Hottest," I said "Flyest." Yes, it's a word cuz I said so. Read the news if you don't like it.

I'll admit right now that Pink should have been #2 over Gwen Stefani, it's just the truth, but Gwen ain't dipping below #3. These young hoes can't see her! They haven't earned what she's earned, pal.

I do have some inner conflict about this list I created though. After a very tough deliberation, I am completely restructuring the middle third of the ranking, and say that Fergie comes in at #6, Lady Gaga is #5, and Katy Perry is #4. All three can sing their asses off. Fergie is the least physically attractive, oldest, and doesn't play instruments. Gaga and Katy both present threesome possibilities, so that's a wash. Style-wise eccentric can be good but there's a fine line Gaga tap-dances all over. Lady Gaga might turn a ninja out, but she's the kind of girl you bone, "once, twice, three times if the devil's in ya," to quote Blanche DuBois (Streetcar!). KP I'll theorize has the good noo-noo, has a cool style AND looks respectable enough to walk around town with and not cause a scene for no reason, so she wins.

And she's got bigger titties.

Sorry, Gaga.

3. No-No-Notorious!

OK, OK, B.I.G. fans. I know the "suck your daddy dick" line was a Richard Pryor reference due to your wild protests and vehement defense of the King of NY. But are you aware that he sometimes used words in raps that he didn't know the meaning of? Namely, "obsolete."

Main Entry: 1ob·so·lete

Pronunciation: \ˌäb-sə-ˈlēt, ˈäb-sə-ˌ\

Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin obsoletus, from past participle of obsolescere to grow old, become disused, perhaps from ob- toward + solēre to be accustomed

Date: 1579
1 a : no longer in use or no longer useful b : of a kind or style no longer current : old-fashioned technology>

Clear? Good. So why did BIG say things like:

"Who shot ya? Separate the weak from the obso-lete, hard to creep these Brooklyn streets."

Eh? might work, right? Well what about this one?

"Needless to speak, the G's obsolete, don't speak. Banged the skins in a week."

Yeah if your game was obsolete then you'd hit no skins at all. But of course, you hippity hoppers don't read books or know SAT words, so you let it slide. NOT US!!!!

Sidenote: There has been a lot said about the pause-worthy quotables from Biggie, but the former NappyHeaded Bro WJA3 reminded about the gayest rhyme of all time not spit by an openly gay rapper. Oddly enough, it was done in a battle rap, by probably the last guy in hip-hop with the balls to go after LL Cool J.
That's right ladies and gents. Canibus. With Mike Tyson in his video for 2nd Round K.O. (and let's not forget about all the public comments from Iron Mike that are only acceptable in jail), Canibus spits, "You might have more cash than me, but you ain't got the skills to eat a nigga's ass like me." Whoa. Has anyone outside the porno industry ever boasted about their ass-eating skills? Ever? I'll wager to guess it's been Canibus, a slew of scandalous scallywags, hookers, and gay dudes. That's it. The whole quote just sounds so gross. For shaaaaaame.

Yes, we all know Canibus had one of the gayest rap lines ever with that nonsense, but that does not excuse B.I.G.'s blatantly homosexual lyrics. Despite the fact that he may have snatched the "suck on you daddy's di*k" reference from richard prior, a few loyal blog followers have pointed out some other gay lines that even a man as astute as I previously missed.
zach: found your father sittin in the room
zach: fucked him with the broom ...slit him down the back and threw salt in the wound

How did we forget that legendary line from "Dead Wrong?" Did Richard Prior say that too?
Or better yet, did he tell Biggie to say " Niggas press they luck and, they get a butt f**king/ straight up the ass, raw dog with the rash"? Yeaaaa. I didn't think so. SMH.

4. C4's Mohawk was better than Diddy's...according to C4. Y'all can agree, disagree, or go kick rocks! You too, Showrocka!!!

Carl-Hawk 2: The Faux

Carl-Hawk 1

6. Auto-Tune has survived the death sentence, as the I Am T-Pain App proves.

All the Girls I met (On Facebook): by Showrocka

Balls :by C4

I'm on a Plane :By Dezo

Bi*ch I got a Hot Tub: By Lefleur

---C4 to ya door

--Showrock on ya block

Church. Even though I aint been in over a year...unless you count funerals or weddings.

1 comment:

Rock said...

Good Job C-4. I got more Boob Talk for tomorrow or wednesday. I agree that D's are like Jordays, but they're a bit more durable. Timberlands perhaps???