Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Letter to the White Half of Mariah Carey


Dear Mariah,

We need to talk. Things aren't looking so good for you right now. This is hard for me to say, so I'm just going to come out and say it. Your black ass is outta control. It's a fact. The Afro-Venezuelan half of you is running amok, and you need to check your rump-shaking, drug-smuggling self before it wrecks your off-beat alcoholic self (Irish!). Look, I know this is hard for you, too. You owe so much to your black side. Your amazing soulful voice, your mouth-watering curves, and of course your core fan base. And believe me, this NappyHeadedBro has stuck with you through good times and bad, since your very first single.

But dis shit gots ta stop!!! (sorry for cussin). Remember the good old days? When you sat on swings wearing a flannel shirt tied up to show a little skin, but not that much cuz your jeans were so high they covered your belly button? I can't even find those photos on the internet anymore.

The best I could find...

I know when it went wrong. I know who did this to you. Tommy Mottola. He abused your Caucasian tendencies to be the good wife who listens to her husband. He controlled you, stifled your sexuality, and I know those Nubian curves weren't going to be held inside those conservative clothes for the whole decade of the 1990s. But I gotta give him credit. He held them back up until 1997, that's a good majority of the decade. But boy did yo black ass make up for lost time! Mmmmmmm! Sorry I digress. Mmmm, mmmmmmm!!! Whew, OK that's the last one (though I make no promises).

The bastard scarred your snowy soul so bad that the sCrong black woman in you was forced to take over. She shed her clothes, she did all the hip-hop collabos that Show mentioned yesterday, all that. And I gotta admit, the new look was poppin' for the end of the '90s, it was good times with fun singles. I know your white half wasn't happy though. I know you cringed in fear at the LOX. I know why Jay-Z wasn't even in your Heartbreaker video despite being on the song. You were scared of being so up close with these thug ass dudes. It's understandable. Black people are scary! (Isn't that what y'all be thinking deep down? It's C4 here, y'all can admit it)

The inner conflict is what caused that infamours TRL breakdown that took the both of you out the game for a good 4-5 years. It's been an intense inner struggle ever since. A delicate balance of appeasing both sides of you in order to maintain some modicum of sanity, and also relevance in the music industry, almost a full 20 years in the game. Let's look at the evidence shall we?

1. The Derek Jeter Era


A good rehabilitation phase for you. He, also being mulatto, appealed to both sides of you. Plays baseball for the Yankees, straight hair, no facial hair, didn't make your white ass nervous. I know his black half was puttin' it on you too, cuz since the breakup he's smashed off several Hollywood actresses. Only problem is, he was running around giving them the Herp. So props to you for getting out of that situation before getting stuck with the "gift" that keeps on giving. I'm sure that's not what you want for Christmas.

2. The Emancipation of Mimi


The comeback!!! Praise White Jesus!!! Praise Black Jesus!!! Because both had a strong hand in that album. You finally seemed to have figured out the balance. Just stand there and sing your fine mulatto ass off without all the neck-rolling and running around in your draws (at least on the money-making single, We Belong Together. That song was so thorough, hard niggas from the hood would all be chillin in the same SUV, stop talking, and not only let that song play the whole way through but also jam to it to the point of reciting the lyrics! Now that's street cred and artistic respect combined if I've ever seen it). But you didn't forget to get the good beats from black producers. Yes! Mariah was back like babies with pacifiers.

3. Eminem Beef

For real tho stop playin'....

This is where things go horribly awry. Somewhere along the line your white ass thought it was a good idea to f*** with Eminem. However brief the encounter may have been, it's just f***in' the game all up for you right now. Remember the whole Durst-Aguilera business? It never ends pretty. And look at you now. You got a diss record out (albeit a pretty catchy tune, I ain't gonna lie I f****s wit Obsessed) like one of these rapper hoodlums, and worst of all, you brought your man into a fight that he can't win. That is VERY black of you. It's so black in fact, it's ghetto. How many sisters out there done popped off at the mouth and got their man stomped the F out cuz she had an issue with some gangsta muddasucka, and he HAD to defend her honor so she couldn't call him a beeyotch every time they had an argument. "You wasn't so tough when Debo stepped to you, was ya nigga?!" Poking him all in the side of the head like Rihanna was doing shortly before she got Chris Browned.


And here is where I disagree with Show. Cuz self-respecting white chicks who like black guys f*** with the thugs and the bad boys, but if their Jungle Fever is incurable they usually marry some "safe" Wayne Brady type like Christopher Darden (OJ!) or Seal. And corny ass Nick Cannon fits right in with that mold. Cuz he's kinda cool, but not really. People watch his MTV show, but they don't really like it that much, you know. He's Nick Cannon. He's got that goofy grin. And hey, props for trying, son. The giant MARIAH tattoo, good attempt. But you still look like you're on Nickolodeon. And your woman, (talking to you both now) is trying to get you stomped the f*** out. Mariah! You know who Eminem's boys are? 50 Cent. G-Unit. Slaughterhouse. Dr. Dre. The boy is only Nick Cannon!!! Please. Be a good white woman and shelter your man from harm. Just ignore Eminem like Christina did. Let it go. Treat Nick like you treated Tommy Mottola, because he won't abuse you the Tommy did, or the way you are abusing him right now. Reign in that ignant sista inside you. She's become too powerful! And it's going to destroy you.


I only say this out of love.

C4 2 Ya Door, with a Vision of Love that was all that you've given to me.
Ya Dig?!

3 comments:

Maino said...

C4, Nick Cannon is soooo Nickelodeon they have him running their teen nick channel. Who better to teach white american teenagers about fitting in and looking cool than innocent little Nick?

http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2009/09/25/nickelodeon_names_nick_cannon_chairman_o_1#

Anonymous said...

Hilarious

Scop Bobble Rock (Pause) said...

I'm glad you held white girl week down my friend. Kudos on the post, hopefully you get a congratulatory hummer (white word of the day) from a melanin-challenged snowbunny. And the weatherman says? Heavy chance of flurries! Sidenote: You'd probably pull more white girls if you were darkskinned with a bald head and very white teeth (Tyreese, Omar Epps, Mekhi Phifer.) I digress....