Thursday, October 8, 2009

I'm Just Playin'...I'm Sayin'!

My man Show is getting reckless again, and I gotta put it on hold. First and most indecent, he called Biggie overrated. Naaaaaah, son!

Secondly... well I really got nothing for the "suck on your daddy dick" line. I'll chalk that up to a n***a talking reckless to impress a lady, and winding up in a very awkward faux pas. I mean, we've all had that happen to us at least once, right? Well, not the EXACT same thing...YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, DAMMIT!!! Even Bishop Don Magic Juan had to have had some type of awkward interaction with a woman. I mean, what else on earth could possibly inspire a grown ass man to dress like this?

So let me get this right. Women have sex with men on his behalf, then give HIM the money, so he can buy more of THIS $H!T??!?!

But I digress. Today C4 comes to your door to explore one of the great songs in the catalog of the Notorious B.I.G., not only to disspell the myth that he was Notoriously G.A.Y., but to expound upon it's themes, update the characters where necessary, see what has changed, and (maybe more importantly) what has remained the same.

"Da f*** you talkin' 'bout, yo?" Simmer down, hater with ADHD. Heeeeeere we go!

C4 Presents: Dreams of Fu&kin' an R&B B!t&h 2009

As I sit back, relax, steam a blunt, sip a Beck's (maybe the first and only ever reference to this brand of beer in all of hip-hop. Correct me if I'm wrong), think of all the sexy singers that I wanna sex....

"I'll probably go to jail for f***ing Patti LaBelle"

More true than ever! But I might still risk it. Don't judge me. You know you've wondered, somewhere in the bowels of your dispicable soul, what it would be like to make her go "gichee gichee ya ya yaaa yaaa!" all up close and personal. You know you love and need and want her, baby [pause]. And however disgusting that may be, you know wanna do it. You make me sick, C4. Wait. I mean, ummm....

"Ooh Regina Belle, she'd probably do me swell..."

Well maybe not. I mean, does anyone even remember what Regina Belle looks like? This one is dated. Maybe Chrisette Michele. It still rhymes. She's pretty but not the hottest body in the world. Basically looks like a classed up hood chick who's into neo-soul and whatnot. She'd probably do me swell.

"Jasmine Guy was fly, Mariah Carey's kinda scary. But wait a minute what about my honey Mary. The jeans, they fitting like a glove. I had a crush on you since Reeeaalll Love!"

Almost nothing in that line has changed AT ALL in 16 years (yes yes y'all. Kids born in '93 are taking SAT's right now. I know. It's disgusting). Brilliant. We all know the state of Mariah after that poignant (if I do say so myself) letter to her white half we wrote last week. And now it's official. She is getting ready to bring forth seed of Cannon. Lord help us all.

Mary J on the other hand is STILL the Queen of Hip-Hop Soul, and CAN GET IT! No words said. Except of course, "I'm going dooooooooown..."

Only thing I'll amend is change the first part to "Lauryn Hill was ill." 1. Fact. 2. Can't leave out maybe the most talented woman in the genre to grip the mic

"Even groups like SWV and TLC, can't see B.I.G. with telepathy!"

I can barely do anything with that line. For one, it's pure hot fiyah, and changing it might be blasphemy (but clearly we're not averse to that on this site, now are we?) More importantly though, I can't really think of any female R&B groups that I could insert here that have been recording within the last 5-7 years. Only Destiny's Child comes to mind, and they disbanded in '04-'05. Like who else is there? 702? When was their last hit? 3LW? Can't name one song of theirs. WHERE HAVE ALL THE R&B GROUPS GONE?!?!?!?! Sounds like a mystery for another day. I promise to actually post on this one, not just foreshadow and then abandon it.

"I'll put Chante Moore p***y in stitches..."

Let's say Keyshia Cole for now. Light-skinned, frizzy hair, a good (and hood!) replacement for today. That pum-pum is probably "sent from heaven."

"I'll fuck Rupaul... "
(Dammit, Big! I'm trying to make you sound heterosexual, here...)

"....before I fuck those ugly ass X-scape bitches!"
Maybe he had a point...
"Sucka ass T.I. HAHAHAHA!"

On second thought, nah. Tastes like Kandi! (Cameo voice)

"Make Raven Symone call date rape"

Pedophilia? Rape? Not cool ever. Doing Raven Symone as an adult, knowing how legal and voluptuous she is? Priceless.

"Only cuz I'm paid, I'm f***in all of Jade. Gave my DJ Zhane, he like it when they say, "Everybody, move ya body." Got Whitney Houston boosted from Bobby"

The last part is sad but true. We covered that topic a couple of weeks ago. In case you missed it, click here. I'll fill in the rest at the bottom, it's better to show than tell (pause).

"As I bust a cherry of Ciara and Keri..."

"Backshots to Shak(ir)a, you know dat p***y hairy,"

"Alicia Keys, ooooooh, p***y tight enough for Swizz..."

"Back-Smack Rihanna give her flashbacks of Chris!"

"Goin' wild on Destiny's Child, the original four of them

Jimmy hats for Patra, I'm using all of them.
(Jamaican pum-pum is forever. Seen?!)

Show: What About about Toni Braxton?

C4: If that b!t&h give me action, guaranteed satisfaction.

Ya Dig?!

PS: Just in case you don't know the song, listen to it after slapping yourself repeatedly.


Anonymous said...

Ayo Patra looks like a retarded midget. Good post though.

Anonymous said...

Post was definately on point! -LeFleur-