Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The convo you should probably have with your daughter but never will

Congratulations!! You just had a baby girl.

I think it would behoove you to know that she'll probably be slobbing knobs well before her sweet 16.

Oh word son? Now You wanna fight me? Don't shoot the messenger. Shoot the little snot nose punk with his ding-dong in your little ho-ho .

Sure it sucks to think about your little munchkin's eyes rolling in the back of her head as she gobbles some adolescent boys veiny, throbbing third leg like the last Popsicle at a summer camp in August, but wouldn't you rather be the one to tell her to use a condom or at the very least bless her with some fatherly advice: "Honey, at least don't swallow... you'll get fat and no one will want you but black guys collecting unemployment."

LOL. I'm just kidding, I would never advocate telling girls not to swallow.

What I would advocate, however, is a nice, explicit heart to heart with your daughter which may keep her off the pole for a few more years. Think about it. You invest a lot of time and money in your kids and wouldn't want all of it to go to waste. Real Talk.


You spend "X" amount of dollars on braces and the Orthodontist says "don't suck your thumb...it'll cause buck teeth." How would you feel if you found out little suzie was out sucking in more black snakes than a Virginia swamp...

Yes thats's right. Playing the skin flute is like suckin on 4 thumbs simultaneously!!! Worse still, all this could've been avoided by simply having a heart to heart with your child and telling her to just suck balls, give hand jobs...or to simply lick the pole like Ralphie's friend from Christmas story!!! It sounds foul, but it will save you some money and her a life of Michael Strahan-gapped rabbit teeth!!! Sometimes you gotta just keep it 100.

Ok, maybe that example was a bit extreme. Lets take it down a notch. All girls like to get their hair done (or did) right? Now....assuming your little horn ball of a daughter isn't quite as experienced as her whore mother 16 years her senior, she probably doesn't know the "3 rules of sex for girls who aren't white."

1.) Always wrap it up. The hair that is.

2.) You do not want to sweat out an expensive do, nor do you want to get skeet in your hair. It will get hard and it will suck.

3.) Also, if you aren't white, you probably have a booty and will be getting smashed from the back. You probably don't want your hair pulled if you just got it done. If you are a white girl with a fattie, however, you should ignore this advice. You'r hair won't get messed up, and I am convinced you all like getting it pulled...must be a result of left over genes from the caveman age.

Scholastic Achievements

There comes a point in time in every parents life when he or she realizes what type of fate their child has sealed for them self. Case in point, if your daughter is a mediocre student and does not have an amazing voice or wicked jump shot, she better start thinking of a back up plan. College? Fuck no.

In encouraging her mediocrity you are only being a horrible parent, shielding her from an all too present reality. Ditch the sugar coated fairy tales and tell her, "look honey. I'm not telling you what to do with your life...but in school D's will get you suspended. In porn they will make you rich."

If this is not the route you want to take, I strongly advise you to invest in a webcam and tell your cupcake she is forbidden to have sex under your roof. When she inevitably defies your wishes, as all children do, her punishment will be not receiving any of the monetary compensation you've been receiving from subscriptions to the live, barely legal streaming of each steamy session.

Damn. Have I taken it too far? Good. At this point I have nothing to lose so I might as well keep offending everyone with children.


Male children take pride in their ability to whip each others asses in sports. Females...eh...not so much. They usually play sports because they are

a.) 6 foot amazons,

b.) Dykes,

c.) Ugly

or D.) Fat...beach volleyball players excluded.

This being said, there comes a point where you must make your daughter aware of this fact. "Look honey. We didn't buy you the softball mitt because you were overly athletic. We just knew you weren't going to get by on your good looks or 'beautiful mind.'

It will hurt to tell her, but its better she learn to be ugly early so that she doesnt develop self esteem issues. Hell, telling her sooner rather than later may even be for the best...at least she'll have time to learn tongue tricks, achieve the flexibility to pull off DP or do something to make her teen wolf looking ass attractive. If she is a white girl with a fat ass ignore the previous five sentences. They are nullified as everyone loves a snow bunny with a nice cotton tail.

Work ethic

No one wants a lazy hoe. Therefore you must teach your daughter the value of hard work. Now...I am not suggesting you tell your daughter to up her "dicks sucked per minute" ratio. What I am saying, however, is that you quit disillusioning yourself into believing you can convince old magnet lips not to gravitate towards those balls of steel.

Like it or not (and believe me, someone will like it), your daughter will inevitably have some guys pubic hairs stuck in her teeth while her taste buds get accustomed to that lukewarm cauliflower soup. All you can do is tell her that sex, like everything, is a job. No one wants to see a resume which details you hopping from job to job...nor do they look fondly upon early termination. In today's world baby, its all about stability. Work hard and you will be compensated accordingly...remember...closed mouths don't get fed. LOL.

Everyone with a daughter is now boycotting the blog (and may have even stopped reading by now), but in the end they can take solace in the fact that they have at least 15 years before they have to worry about this nonsense. As you know, all this shit is tongue and cheek (no homo) but always carries an underlying message.

Yes your daughter will be blowing cum bubbles by her quinceanera, but there is something you can do about it. Make sure its another 15 year old, and make sure he knows that you know he's givin her that good old Mclovin' and putting babies in her mouth like shes part stork..

Hey...It sounds fuc*ed up, but at least that way he'll have the respect to make her brush her teeth and gargle before coming home. Take it as a small victory my friend because nobody...and I mean nobody...wants to smell their teenage daughter's sperm breath. LMAO.

Live, Love, F**kin with yall...


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