Ladies and Gentlemen, a Guinness Book Of World Record has been broken by Oprah Winfrey. We Nappy-Headed Bros would like to congratulate Oprah for performing the longest ever recorded, uninterrupted act of cunnilingus; for two straight days, on the dried, wrinkled, crack-cocaine-chapped vagina of Whitney Houston during their two-part interview Monday and Tuesday. Ulxh! (Pusha!)
WTF, y'all? I just couldn't believe the pure lopsided nonsense being spewed by these chickenheads. Yeeeeaaah I said it. Oprah wouldn't like this blog anyway, f*** her. Look man, C4 the Blog Killah is as happy as everybody else that Whitney is making a comeback and is making music again. Since I was a small child living in the motherland (Ghana stand up!), Whitney has made me wanna dance with somebody who loves me.
But I refuuuuse to stand by idly while Whitney and Oprah attempt to resurrect Whitney's career and public image by playing all innocent and throwing Bobby Brown under the bus. "Oh no, it wasn't ME, Ossifer, it was Big Bad Bobby Brown! That's why I smoked all that crack! Big Bad Bobby Bade I Do his Bidding, or else!" (complete with innocent pouty face) Yeah the f*** right! And don't hate on me now for defying Oprah, all you bandwagoneers. If I choose to defend the honor of the man once described by his ex-wife as the "King of R&B," then well dammit that's my prerogative. I can do what I wanna do....
Why Oprah was all on Whitney nuts? I get it. She's a Whitney Houston fan too, whatever. But why did Oprah keep trying to frame the marriage to Bobby as a rebellion? ("how was Bobby described as " a man so jealous of her fame?" Biiiiiiitch, Bobby Brown has sold tens of millions of records on his own...why he gotta be jealous? It's not like he's Stedman and she's Oprah. Ooh! Touched a nerve didn't I? Yeah suck on dat!) Why did she ask questions and provide her own answers, sometimes only allowing Whitney a one word agreement cosign? Funny you should ask that, concerned reader.
It is because Bobby Brown at his peak was the quintessential symbol and sound of the hip-hop generation's male voices. And as we should all know by now, when it comes to hip-hop Oprah is a hater of Kanye-Hitler proportions! Just ask Ice Cube, 50 Cent, our good friend (hahahaha) Ludacris, and countless other rappers who she has hated on. Yeah I know he's a singer, but recall the time. This is the New Jack Swing R&B, aka the dividing line between music listeners of our parents' generation and our own.
Oprah old ass doesn't like the hippity hop, nor its influence on "The Voice," who definitely used to be America's sweetheart. And by the way, there was just something a little creepy about how Oprah was sprinkling all the little nicknames on Whitney: the voice, America's first black princess, a national treasure, a gift to the world. Not that Whitney (in her prime) wasn't arguably all of those things, it's just that Oprah would say these things the way a child molester whispers positive reinforcements to a little kid while simultaneously beating off. It's not the words, it's the motive.
I digress. Every chance she gets (in between self-indulging of course) Oprah rips into hip-hop like an obese kid on Speed biting into a pulled pork sandwich. Or Oprah biting into a pulled pork sandwich, same image.
Now here's the part where I give Whitney some props, so as to not belittle the entire post by being a hater on these two fine upstanding black women (hahahahaha!) Whitney did insist, despite Oprah's guidance, that her marriage to Bobby Brown was out of love. That's real talk. Her junkie ass meant that shit... And I support that, that's cool. And this is why, America...
The Whitney Houston in '80s music videos, who sang that G.O.A.T. national anthem during Superbowl XXV (during first Gulf War for those who forgot), is the SAME Whitney who ran off with Bobby Brown and spun down into a world of drugs and uber-niggerish behavior (y'all remember "Being Bobby Brown"). America needs to admit to itself that Whitney has always been mad ghetto, but was just really well-marketed (think pre-adult Monica on a much larger scale) . Remember? That bi*ch was dating C-Murder. Hello!!!? He has the word Murder in his name. If that's not hood, I don't know what is!!!
Whitney kept it 100 with America by marrying Bobby Brown, man. That's who she is. Only Bobby could never hide his ghetto, so white people and black people of the Oprah generation never approved. But seriously, Whitney would have drove Babyface CRAZY. I mean, look what she did to Bobby Brown. Oooooh! Yeah, tell ya mama I said dat $h!t.
It was Whitney who introduced Bobby to the drugs, not the other way around. She admitted to dipping into the use prior to Bodyguard, and also said Bobby was more of a drinker. And that makes sense if you think about it. Bobby didn't have that "dope fiend mouth twisted off to the side when he talk" thing before Whitney. Bobby was just humping fans on stage and going to jail for it, occasionally punching somebody...you know, like a drunk person. Then along comes Whitney with her coke and weed to add to his boozing, and you end up with a loving, train-wreck couple.
And yeah, I believe some of the things she said about what he did to her: emotional abuse, drawing evil eyes on her pictures (this is just funny, sorry), smashing things around the house, spitting on her that one time. But I can relate. I be drunk. I might spit on a b---h if she pissed me off in that state (although I plead the 5th on it ever happening in real life. Hi Vicki!)
But cmon, Whitney. You were locked in your room with your bible while he smashed things? To quote Showrocka, "yeah, her bible full of crack."
Yall heard her, sitting there saying, "you sprinkle the base in with the weed." Damn Whitney, that's gangsta (and degenerate). Equally gangsta is leaving your spouse like a man from the '50s, straight saying you going out for milk and just never coming home. Then she sold all the cars and furniture and put the house up. Daaaaamn.
Then bringing Bobbi Christina into it? Just tacky. How you gonna ask a teenage girl to come on tv and talk about her parents divorce, with Oprah no less, and let her daddy catch a PR ass-whooping? I'll tell you how they got away with it. It's because he's Bobby Brown, and he'll always have a bad image, so f--- it who cares. Throw him under the bus, he can take it. He wasn't running for office any time soon. He was surprisingly introspective about it. "I think we corrupted each other. I don't think she hurt me or I hurt her. We just had a 14-year marriage that had its ups and downs and not many people understood it." Hey, the man loves her enough to pull doo-doo out her butt. It is what it is. He then went on to say "cocaine is a powerful drug," which sounds a little too close to Rick James.
Then the whole things wraps up with Whitney singing a new song well enough but looking flabby and sick like Larry Holmes, which is still better than looking skinny and sick like Amy Winehouse.
Then Oprah brought her face out the p---y, for air, and the show ended.
C4 2 Ya Door bumping "Don't Be Cruel,"