Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Rap Lies (Pt.3): "Its hard out there for a pimp"

I've been hearing that my posts are getting too long. Excuse me for being diligent, but I'll try to keep them witty, concise and full of references to D-Cup Titties. Also, C4 and I both now have Auto Tune machines for our iphones and we are now working on a joint R & B album. Seriously. Like 100% serious. Like Cancer and Non-Magic Johnson AIDS serious.



Anyways...I'm feelin it today so be prepared for "Random Thought Association Rocka"at his best!! On with the blog my Ninjas and Ninjettes!!!




Many people find prostitution one of the deplorable acts within society which can only be eclipsed by the behavior of the seemingly inhuman being willing to make a profit off said prostitutes body. Yes, that's right. A lot of muthaf**kas hate pimps...but in the word's of the Late Great Easy E...Pimpin aint easy. Or is it?


I just want to start by saying that I know Hustle and Flow was a fictional movie. Nevertheless, if a one dimensional mulatto actor with a fu*ked up "Just for Me" relaxer (don't front like you dont remember the commercial and song!) can somehow play a convincing role as a pimp, this just goes to show that no one REALLY knows anything about pimps, pimpin or the provocative profession of peddling post pubescent pu-nanni. True story. Sure there are the "Pimpin Ken's" and "Bishop Don Magic Juan's " of the world (google them)... BTW, pimpin ken is the one in the tan, as the one in the white is not a pimp, but rather a rapper named "Pimp C". SMH.

Anyway, back to the point. Most pimps are just regular nig*as in hoodies and timbs who have no qualms sharing their own personal cesspool of stripper vag slurpie with the world and making it as readily open and available as a 7-11 store run by Osama Bin Hajje....

or Jerome Jenkins...or Robert Goldstein. LOL. See, I'm not racist....or at least I hide it well.


This being said, the hardest part about pimpin is indubitably the act of sharing your woman with the world. Problem with this, however, is that pimps, by definition, "don't love them hoes," so sharing them for monetary profit should not be too hard. Case in point, IT IS NOT HARD OUT THERE FOR A PIMP. Learn to get over the fact that slapping bitches is wrong as is the practice of freely peddling potential diseases and pimpin is actually as easy as stealing candy from a retarded diabetic baby! It may, however, be "hard out there for a prostitute," but who gives a shit, we don't love them hoes.



Showrocka presents: Why Pimpin is actually easy



5. Kat Williams has shown that even without a stylist, a store bought relaxer or perm (dark and Lovely or Soft & Beautiful) can keep your straightened hair silky smooth and strong...and everyone knows "the longer the hair, the stronger the pimp hand." Its a wonder more puertoricans or Indians (Thanksgiving or 7-11) aren't pimps. What? I figured saying Dot or feather would be rude!


4. Pus*y is a commodity that sells itself. Duh.



Yeah, I'm sure she wants a "ride."


Even hideously jack-o-lanterned teethed honeys with triple chins and more guts than a Nickelodeon TV show are having babies. Someone is f**king them. Sheeeeeeit, even crack whores find johns to support their habits, and trust me...no one is fu*king them or getting dome because they "feel bad for them." Some men are filthy individuals and the promise or a warm orifice, albeit an AIDS infected or strung out one, seems better than the possibility of fu*king a girl you can't spit on and kick to the curb. Sounds f**ked up, but thats the way of the world.



3. Terrence Howard was a pimp. How hard could it be? Nuff said.



2. Unless you are pimping Venus, Serena or Rebecca Lobo, you have a size advantage. This being said, you should be able to intimidate your hoes into submission....or you can just chris brown them until they secretly come running back like Rihana. Ella-ella-ella-Eyyyyyyy.



1. Law enforcement has never seen a white pimp. Go ahead, name one?? This being said, if you are white, or know white people (which is most likely true if you're reading this blog), you can easily evade authorities by hiding being the quintessential Caucasian curtain of racial identity. LOL. You may think I'm bull shitting, but I shit you not.




All white pimps and pseudo pimps are glamorized as "celebrities" rather than criminals...how hard is being a celebrity? Hugh Heifner, Heidy Fliess, Larry Flynt, Ron Jeremy...the list goes on. One way or another, all of the aforementioned individuals make their fortunes off womens' bodies. Do I think its wrong? Hells bells no! Do I think a "brotha" could get away with it? Not in a million years. We'd have a better chance of getting white people to aquit OJ... AGAIN!! We can't blame "the man" for this one though. I'm sure the flashy Cadillacs, gold jewelry and penchant for flashy mink coats and hats have just a litttttttttttttle bit to do with the fact that we get single-handedly pegged as pimps.



No worries, even this is avoidable, as by following the rules, one could definitely make an easy living off pimpin. Its pretty much like being a landlord...sure there's wear and tear on the property and you have to rectify a shitload of small problems, but in the end...you take care of your cash cow property and it will reward you handsomely (no homo.) Hard out there my ass (pause)!!! The only thing hard about pimpin is trying to stop! Don't agree? F**k you, you are wrong and can go can swallow a laudry-bag full of period panties from sweaty special Olympic athletes for all I care. Freaking pervert.

Pimpin is the oldest profession and guess what...? Its also the easiest.

Go Merlin...It's ya Birthday. Owwwww


May the Lord Guide my Pimp hand and make it strong.


Live, Love, Pimp-Life


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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

FYI... Hiedi fliess is marrying the owner of the famed brothel, "the bunny ranch" where the HBO show, "the cathouse" is filmed... This the a beautiful and momentous union of two uber-pimps...more importantly then the marriage is the soon to be convieceved messiah of pimphood...I look forward to the day that his pimp hand reins supreme and concensual unpaid for sex is a thing of the past... A world where everything is covered in semen. That's a world I want to live in... So to quote AC/DC "lock up your daughter and lock up your wife"