Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Rap Lies (Pt. 2): "Either you slangin Crack Rock or You Got a Wicked Jump Shot"

(Biggie Voice.)

Where Brooklyn at?? What, What!!

Let me stop playing. I am not from BK and have no interest in screaming that hogwash tomfoolery out like one of the corn ball Caribbean DJ's from Bed Stuy. Where Brooklyn at? It's in New York, Duh. One thing's for sure though...B.I.G and I have a lot in common. He's the second best lyricist of all time and I'm the second best blogger. What? I don't give a shit if you think he was the best...get off his nuts. Don't like it? Go suck the sweat ouf of a fat bi**hes vagina folds you coon! LOL.

Now that that's settled, lets get back to me. Why am I the second best Blogger, might you ask? Because I have to wholeheartedly admit that I can't really f**k with Tucker Max right now. Im commin for that alabaster ass tho (no homo)!!

Anyways, today I am going to do something King Max cannot. I'm gonna take you on a grimy ride through the bowels of Americas lowliest segments of society, the formative trenches which not only created Hip Hop music, but which also served as the cinematographic background upon which a discourse on poverty, crime and hood politics played itself out. Dramatic I know.

Funny thing is, even with Hip Hop artists serving as impromptu newscasters, describing the undescribed , and setting a precedent that the violence and crime in our streets would no longer go undocumented and ignored, we somehow managed to misinterpret their intent.

Yes, an important cultural shift was taking place as Ralph Ellison's Invisible man was stepping out of the shadows and into the light, but apparently we didn't get the memo. All we saw was the results of the aforementioned transformation which we quickly, and intuitively, simplified into a basic math equation:

Me + Rap = Me + Drug Dealing = Me in the NBA= Diamonds and Fancy Cars.
I don't care if you're Asian or Paul Wall's best bud. TV Johnny you are STILL A COON!!

Yes boys and girls, you can have fancy things by simply selling drugs, playing ball or rapping your way out the hood. An entire societal movement and transformation is taking place....we have a black president...a Latina woman has been named to the supreme court....but fu*k all that. Its all quite trivial.

When it comes time to formulate our game plan for life no one remembers all that shit. All we remember is this :
"Either you slangin Crack Rock or you Got a Wicked Jump Shot." Thanks B.I.G.

Showrocka Presents: Rap Lies (Pt.2)

"Either You Slangin Crack Rock or you got a wicked Jump Shot"

Hmmm. Let me see....about one half of 1% of people make it to the NBA, and about 5% are actually able to live their lives as successful drug dealers. Sidenote: Successful does not mean buying Jordans and a Jesus Piece. 5% + .05% = 5.5%. This leaves 94.5% of people without a wicked jumpshot or propper whip game in the cocaine kitchen. What the fu*k are they doing??? Living on Mars?!!! How on earth can they survive without the ability to mix baking soda and cocaine in the proper ratio or shoot a J that's sweeter than Sara? (Google Sara Jay...but not from work. ) Oh yea thats right, they GOT REGULAR JOBS LIKE REGULAR ASS PEOPLE DO!!!

Oh my God I hate the rampant ignorance being spewed by these foul mouthed stick up kids and punks turned rappers. Just because YOUUUUUUUUUU were a pill pushing degenerate stealing from your mama's purse before you were saved by hiphop does not mean that everyone else was. As a matter of fact, I was a good kid until hip hop. By the time I was old enough to get my Snoop Dogg Doggystyle CD thrown out the window by my mom, however, he had already taught me how to order my first cocktail at the bar at aged 16.

Show: "Ummmm....I'll have a gin and juice"

Bartender: "What kind of juice?"

Show: "Ummm . Any kind."

I ended up drinking gin and peach juice. SMH (Shaking my Head.) I do not think that was Snoops intent. No homo.

Nevertheless, I digress.....

Moral of this story is, don't listen to these rappers spitting blatant balderdash and hogwash tom-coonery. There are plenty of jobs out there...jobs which these same rappers would be working at had we not decided to place them high upon the pedestal of successful entertaining niggas. Trash men, Accountants, Correctional Officers (cough, cough Ricky Ross). All these are legitimate, money making jobs. Shit, Coolio was a firefighter before rapping and Ice T was a pimp. Dame Dash went to Harvard and the Ignorant sounding ass "Throw some D's" Nigga, Rich Boy, has a degree in engineering from Tuskegee. Lil Wayne was an honor student...he went to my boy Boozay's school back in Louisana.

Don't let the facades of ignorance fool you into believing we only have two options. Sorry Biggie but we cannot take your advice, 1.) because its recklessly foolish and irresponsible and 2.) because I dont take advice from fat bastards. Kidding.

In his defense I think Biggie didnt mean for this rap line to be taken as "advice" or any other sort of "gospel." I think he was just making a statement about what he saw in his environment, and consequently succeeded in unintentionally reinforcing the stereotype he was trying to bring to light. Ok enough pseudo-intellectual shit. Lets talk about other bullshit I've been hearing in rap, which perpetuates this "Rap Lie" and the coonish culprits who should be shot, stabbed and raped by Meth head midgets as punishment.

Gucci Mayne aka Mr. I'm Named after a Woman's bag:

"If I wasn't Rapping then I'd be Robbing..."

Oh really? Looks like you'd be modeling ridiculous jewelry for Coons R Us. Lock him up on conspiracy boys. Conspiracy to commit larceny and be a coon.

Black Rob

"Actin like I can't get through that Sloman's Shield."

Actually, I'ma leave this one alone. Black Rob actually was a burglar so I guess he wasn't really perpetuating any stereotype.


"I'd probably still be trappin if I wasn't rappin right now."

Word? Even though you married that pitbull looking chick from Xscape who's still spending that So So Def Money? You'd really be selling drugs? Not operating your clothing line or acting in movies like ATL and American Gangsta? Get the f**k outa here. This guy even started to believe his own gangsta hype and got a dose of his own medicine. See ya when you get outta the big house T.I.P. Stupid muttah Scudddah.

Moral of this brief digression from my oh so eloquent prose is that a lot of niggas are out here glorifying rap lies. Keep it 100. Matter fact, we don't need people like C-murder keeping it 100. Keep it responsible. Ironically, one of my least favorite rappers ever is the prototype for handling this situation as it should be.

The great, big lipped prophet Jay Z himself once said:

"Like I told you sell drugs...No. Hov did that...so hopefully you dont have to go through that."

Beautifully written Mr. Camel....I mean Carter.

In the end I feel comfortable in knowing that I have exposed this rap lie for what it is...a frickin lie. Go to any hood in American and youll see plenty of niggas with regular jobs...workin at Mickey D's, Strippin...shit, C4 is a park ranger and an actor!!! Say what you will. We are some regular niggas getting regular nigga money. I may not have a bentley....but I got rims bitch! AND...I never sold drugs...well, I never sold crack...and my jump shot is uglier than Shabba ranks wearing Master P sneakers.

Make em say Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. LMAO.

Live, Love, Correcting Rap fueled misconceptions. Oww.


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