Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Racist things that are sometimes OK

C4 2 Ya Door, No Beef (Patties) No More! (until tomorrow)

Big-up all ghetto yout and Brooklyn massive who came to represent yesterday at the West Indian Day Parade in Crown Heights, literally five blocks down the road from the new crib. Aside from the bangin Bajan fish cakes (Who's gonna run this town tonight?! Eeeeyyyyyyy [Rihanna voice]), the contact high, and Spragga Benz performing atop a moving truck, the West Indian Day Parade was brautiful because it displayed just how much genuine pride black people have in their culture when they know what their culture is (message! foreshadowing a future post!).

So what it's waaaay over-crowded and fat chicks think it's cool to wear damn near nothing but feathers so they look like ethnic ostriches and emu? There were plenty of baaaaad chicks too, and the Haitians and Jamaicans didn't even fight this year. I was left with the overall feeling that black is indeed beautiful. As I stood there taking in the blaring beats, blueberry blunts and bootylicious babes baskin in the background (the Bros LOVE alliteration), I recalled the last parade I attended, May 9, 2008.

Victory Day in Moscow, nothing but military vehicles from Red Square to all through the center of downtown...and silence. No flags, no screaming, no music, almost no talking whatsoever. A stark contrast to say the least. The polar opposite? Just about. Guess that's The schism between black and white.

But it's not always bad to separate the races, folks. Racism, believe it or not, is sometimes okay. Mostly in philosophical terms and only when applied to specific situations of course. Not like refusing to hire Nigerians just because you don't trust them (although you might have a point [just kidding!!! {kinda}]) So today boys and girls,

C4 and Showrocka Present: Racist Things That Are Sometimes OK

Separate But Equal: Eyebrows

Best believe the NappyHeaded Actor subscribes to this belief religiously. It's hard enough finding work in show business without a unibrow holding me back. There's like three guys with a unibrow working in entertainment with unibrows, and one of them just goes by Bert. By the way 3 might be overshooting it, the only non-puppet I can think of with one is on 30-Rock. Even Show Rock drew in a unibrow once to see what it looked like back when we were roommates at Penn. It looked so crazy hilarious (like midgets shooting chihuauas with sawed off shotguns hilarious), I really hope there's still photo evidence of it. Needless to say it was washed off within minutes.

So until I get cast as Arab (notice lack of hyphen, Ron Browz {how fitting} Guy #3, I'll keep plucking out that middle portion of my Rons (brows, get it? Sigh. Yeah I know, it's late at night, ok douche bag?!) Please note that this is all I do with my eyebrows. I don't get them arched, as I have been accused of plenty of times. I was really born that way, I'm 40% Lebanese. Drink some Haterade to wash down all the dick you can eat, hater.

Seriously though, it's a red flag seeing a person with his/her eyebrows all integrated, miscegenated, pretending to live in harmony while bastardizing their face. Ulgch! (Pusha!) Long story short, keep Brown v. Board of Ed OFF YOUR FACE!!! You look retarded.

If It Aint White, It Aint Right: teeth

Yellow Teeth? Bad hygiene. Red teeth? Your mouth is bloody. Brown teeth? You probably have coffee and cigarettes together five times daily as if you're praying towards the east. Black teeth? In five minutes they're falling out, don't even bite into a Snickers bar or it'll be 30 seconds.

Kinda reminds me of a stripper friend of ours who has those fucked up meth head erroded bulemia baby chiclet teeth. Yea, we call her George Washington teeth aka Jack-o-Lantern mouth. Lol. Yeeeeeeea boi. Teeth: of it ain't white, it ain't right.

Whites Only!!!

Now I know the bros usually preach integration and all that shit, but f**k that. Clothes cost too much money this day and age for me to be mixing my premium Egyptian cotton white V-neck T's with the darkies...ahem, I mean"dark clothes." Didnt your mother ever teach you the fundamentals of laundry ettiquite? Or was she too busy selling her body to the highest bidder and forcing you to waddle around in your pissy spiderman briefs like a walking bilboard for 'things Michael Jackson wouldve liked.' OK, over the line... I know. Whatever. The moral of the story is, keep your darks and lights as seperate as hooker legs around money and free heroin. Nobody wants a mixed breed puppy if you know what I mean, and i damn sure don't want no Mulatto jeans! Sounds ridiculous now huh? That's because the quintisential vision of America as a melting pot is better represented by the microcasm of my Mandingo man shlong in a white womans vagina like a chocolate vanilla swirl in a Mcdonalds 50 cent cone... And NOT in the washing machine!! Bitches!!! Mixing is for Deejays, hot Blasian girs and martial artists. Not clothes!!! Black power, white pride!!! Lol.

The Paper Bag Test

I know some of you are thinking 'what the fuck is that?' For those of you who are unaware, a paper bag was previously used as the gauge of whether or not a black or mixed woman's skin was light enough to "pass" as only a partial black and therefore receive certain benefits as a result. Now tha this has been explained, I'm sure you're really thinking "when the fuck, is this ever OK!!!?"

Easy there tiger...
Just as fat women shouldn't wear hot pants or daisy duke booty shorts, women (or men) the color of shoe polish shouldn't be wearing certain shit! True story.

If you don't pass the paper bag test, you probably should not be wearing bright red, lime green, hot pink or non earth tone forms or orange.

Also, all hairdressers and stylists!!!! Please post the following above the archways of your respective salons. If you are darker than this bag, we will not dye your hair blonde, bleach blonde, hulk hogan blonde, or any color that matches your listick. Sorry to burst your bubbles cuties... But you look like assholes.

People think we're pricks because we're far from being modest..... And we swear that it ain't racist cause we're only being honest!

Show & C-Fo'

-- Posted from 2 iPhones (that's two more than you have!!!)

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