I used to insert all types of vile, foulmouthed obscenities into her "All I want for Christmas"lyrics until I all but sprained my wrist from pounding my meat harder than one of those "whack-a mole" games. Don't get me started about the "Honey Video."
Sure she said multiple times that she was mixed and her dad was half black, but who believed that crock of sh*t. At the time, I pretty much lived the word's of my boy Buck-Dinero who said "If yo mama was white...bi*ch you white!" Plus, Mariah was fooling around with eminem...and we all know white girls love white guys who act black (its like having your cake and not having to make conjugal visits with your bastard child!) Lol.
That's ok baby. It's OK to be a little confused...I whispered softly into her ear...well, into the ear of the TV. I'm just keeping it 100. Oprah had the same identity crisis...she still thinks we think she's black. LOL.
Then, as I got older I began to see the error of my ways. Mariah got older too (the bitch is almost 40 now) and began to get more and more hood as the battle between good and black began to look more like a solar eclipse. Doing songs with Bone Thugs in Harmony, Old Dirty Bastard, Cam'ron and Gucci Mane!!!! This hoe really is black! You don't get more hood than that collection of artists she was out galavanting with!
Then, she had the nerve to say the following:
"I'm not a White girl trying to sing Black, my father is Black and Venezuelan, my mother is Irish. That makes me a combination of all those things. I am a human being, a person. What I am not is a White girl trying to sing Black."
Oh Boy. Apparently, just when her black half was getting carried away...Bam!! (Tommy Davidson from In Living Color Voice)... she went and married NICK FUCKIN CANNON! No self respecting white girl who likes black guys would marry that herb. I was wrong, she was right. Mariah is black. She's still fine, but now must compete for the title of my favorite minority woman (good luck winning that one Milfy-Mc-Plastic surgery.)
Luckily for us, their are plenty of whitefish in the sea, some of which are still on the cusp of making an important decision, saying "do I want to be Black like the old Black eyed peas, or white like the new ones?" This being said, I offer a desperate plea to my new favorite white girl and can only hope my prayers are heard.
A Message to the White Half of Alicia Keys
Come on Alicia...if you were really black you would've spelled your name Aleeshya. We know you're a smart sensible young woman who would choose good credit, a life without perms (relaxers) and the ability to have children in wedlock over the alternative. You know you don't want to waste your money buying washcloths and Jordans...come to the light.
We get it...You can be black when you want to.
Hell...you can even be puertorican (just don't stab me).
The important thing, however, is that you remember that it is only by being white, that you can gain white jesus's favor and a ticket to "white heaven" (Uncle Ruckus Voice.) LOL.
I'm just kidding. Unless you gon' do it...
Why do I care so much that she accept herself as white? Am I a Racist? Do I hate black women?
No and no. I love all women. I just think white women give better scop bobble wop, have bigger boobs and are altogether easier. LMAO. JK. Kinda. Maybe I just associate my mother and grandmother as being black and its a lot easier to imagine "doing the grown up" (Shout outs to Steph lova-edwards for being the first person to use that term like 1o years ago) with someone who does not conjure up any images of them!
Whatever the reason....Mrs. White half, please hear me out.
You are smart. You play the piano not the African Coon-drum. You have not yet converted to "N-word"-dom. You have no songs with Rick Ross, Plies or DJ Khaled. You choose classy singles like those with Angie stone, Usher, Eve, Jay-Z & even Nas. You know whats up. I've even heard you say "Gangsta rap is a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. " You are a brave white soul. Fifty cent already hates you as much as Oprah, why not have Bill O'reilly and other prominent white advocates back you instead of that slick talking nigga with the relaxer, Al sharpton.
Live your life...let your hair down...go to Cancun...audition for Girls Gone Wild...Give head until your hearts content and remember, just because you were born a zebra does not mean you have to hang with the animals! LMAO. I'm just kidding...
Oh wait? what was that? You're convinced!!
Hallellujah!! Now show us those white titties and make me a sandwich!
UPDATE (3:45 am): As I sit here reading internet hood news I have just seen an article about Swizz beats's Wife Mashonda, who has just written a 4 page letter to Alicia Keys and posted it on the internet. What a coincidnce that this happens as I'm writing this post!!! In the letter she claims Alicia stole her man and esentially broke up her and Swizz's happy marriage. Congratulations Alicia, you are oficially a white woman. I'm going back to bed. Church.
Anyone interested in that pop culture tomfoolery can see the entire letter at http://www.hiphopdx.com/