Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I Love You But I Wish I Could Quit You Pt 4: Fergie

What you gon' do with all this blog, all this blog up on your screen?! Ima make make make, make you read, make you read, make you reeeeaaaaddddd!!!!!

Before I continue I'd like to applaud my Nappy Headed Bro, Show Rock for coming forth with his Miley Cyrus addiction. It has finally inspired me, the Infamous Blog Killah, to reveal my own dark (or should I say Caucasian) temptation. Her name is Fergie, and she's one of the flyest chicks in the game, f*** what you heard and how you hatin'. And I will defend her and her lovely lady lumps at the risk of my future credibility, dammit. What can I say? She made me love her. She snuck up on me like the meth she once did herself. I'm serious. This was the original case that inspired the series, just couldn't pull the trigger...until now.

Can you blame me, readers? Fergie has superpowers. There's no denying it. Don't believe me? Let me count the ways.

1. She's Sexy
"Fergalicious: My body stay vicious; I be up in the gym, just workin' on my fitness, he's my witness. I got your boy on rock-rock, and he be lining down the block just to watch what I got."

It's true. Despite the hard plastic face, despite the former meth use, despite occasionally peeing herself on stage, Fergie the Dutchess is a sexy bitch. Hell, maybe because of it. I like a woman with some flaws. I think we all like our celebrities a little flawed. It makes them real, brings them down to earth. She's 34 years old, her body is banging, and her face has clearly had work. Note the evidence from this side by side from her days as a member of an ill-fated group called Wild Orchid. Look at her back then. She's young, smooth, and smoking f***in hot, like to the point that one might consider her unattainable.

Not anymore, buddy. Is she still in shape? Damn right.Fergie makes me wanna lick the side of that hard plastic face like I'm making out with a mannequin while feeling up the body of real lovely lady lumps. She's got that older woman gym firmness that Madonna's perfected, with a certain girlish charm and spunk I can't get enough of. I love how kinda hot she is. She is my suburban crack. Which brings me to my next point...

Speaking of Suburban Crack...

2. She's got SWAG

"I like that boom boom poooow, them chickens jockin' my style, they try to copy my swagger, I'm on that next shit now! I'm so 3000 and 8, you so 2000 and late! I got that boom boom boom, that future boom boom boom..."

You almost picture a sassy fat black nine year-old, rolling her neck and taunting her classmates when listening to those lines, don't you? Delightful! Ever actually listen to her lyrics? The chick has the swagger and clever coyness that we hip hop lovers yearn to get from our female rappers, without all the extra gross STD references (Lil Kim) or trying to be more gangsta than Tookie Williams (Remy Ma, you dumbass). It's kinda throw-back to the Salt-N-Pepa, "I'll Take Yo Man" kind of vibe. The nostalgic feeling is definitely a big part of her charm. Fergie keeps it sexy enough with a playful, suggestive style that allows her to retain some lady-like decorum, or at least that of a chick you don't wanna think too many times about boning.

3. She's a cash cow

"We flyin' first class up in the sky We flyin' first class, livin' the life In the fast lane and I won't change By the glamorous, ooh, the flossy, flossy"

I'll put a million dollars down that Will.i.am wrote that line, and that he wasn't thinking about Fergie at all. He was thinking about himself, and his two nut ass homeboys, and what they're white lady friend did for their lives. Fergie did for the Black Eyed Peas what every black man secretly wants from his beloved white woman: she took them to the Promised Land. There's no denying that the addition of Fergie to the group turned them from half-rappin' ass west coast backpackers with marginal soul, to a multi-platinum international supergroup. Gotta respect a woman who can influence the pop world so profoundly, for better or for worse. And how did she do it, you ask? See #4.



4. She's soooooooo catchy!

"You got me trippin'(oh), stumblin'(oh), flippin'(oh), fumblin'(so)
Clumsy 'cause I'm fallin' iiiin looove(in love)"

And here's where the crystal meth analogy really comes true. I'll be casually listening to the radio, minding my own business, wandering away from my local "Blazin' Hip-Hop and R&B" (i.e. the hood) to the Top 40 Station(the suburbs) and get blindsided by some potent tooth-rotting, hair-graying, TV-stealing musical methodone.

C4's Brain: "Damn that shit is kinda hot. Ignorant, but fly."

I was listening to "My Humps" for the first time. But it's okay, I'm just experimenting. I'm expanding my horizons.

C4's Brain:"Oh man, this is heartfelt, catchy, a little cheesy, but I can't help but rock out to it like a schoolgirl."

"Big Girls Don't Cry" was on my airplane headphones. More Fergie, huh? Seems like a trend. I was feeling her other joints too. This is becoming a bit of a habit. Naaaah. I mean, I keeps it thorough though, I listen to the Clipse. I can stop listening to this whenever I feel like it. Right now I just don't feel like it.

C4's Brain: "Oooh this shit is kinda funky. I wonder which hot new young black chick is singing this."
It was "Clumsy."

In all three occasions, I was listening to and loving me some Fergie Ferg, and I didn't even know it! By the last one, I was panicking. I knew enough of her stuff that I should recognize her style, or at least her voice. But why do I even know so much Fergie? Why is it she can still sneak up on me this way, rocking me to sleep with her voice then pouncing upon my sub-conscious?

I've got a problem. I need rehab. Where's that Blueprint 3? The Ecstatic? The Drake mixtape even!

I guess there's only one thing left for me to say.

I hope you know, I hope you knoooooow, that this has nothing to do with you!
It's personal, myself and IIIIIII, we've got some straightening out to dooooo!
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a Blog Killaaaah

And C4 Don't Cry.....


Rocka Ray-Cyrus said...

Your next post better be about Plies, Tupac or "How to Rob."

Fergie? You are losing more hood points than Prodigy did when he brought Lindsay Lohan to the G-Unit House. Normal I support tomfoolery, but Fergie? Come on Dog.

I'd have rather you had an addiction to frankie & Neffie!! At least then you can make a case that by making out with them you actually got addicted to crack via osmosis.


You need to ween yourself of Iceberg ferg with some Methodone Miley.

mandy ;) said...

seriously your so right about her face, i mean that is the biggest problem i have with her well one of them, her body is incredible but she has this evil look because of her crazy ass joker brows. i fucking hate that boom boom song my six yr old kid hates it! hot mess! stick to doing soundtracks for cartoon orange cats!!!! stop it!!!!