Monday, September 28, 2009

I love you but I wish I could Quit You Pt. 3 : Miley Cyrus

Fat people like buffets and white people like like drinking wine. This is fact.

Despite my own tendency to form conspiracy theories from the smallest bit of evidence, I am convinced that these people "like" these things out of genuine desire to indulge in them. There is no status to be gained by being the fattest man at the buffet or having the rosiest cheeks and most slurred speech at a cocktail party. This being said, these things fall into the category of things people actually like.

Other things, however, are things which people pretend to like because it makes them seem "cool" or "different." Ironically, there was a whole early 2000's wierdo movement where people thought they were being "different" by dressing exactly like Pharrel. No, you didn't look different looked like a carbon copy of a Gay. Sorry. I digress...

Remember when grown men and women were rocking sponge bob T-shirts and Pajama pants outside the house? Oh...maybe that was just a New Haven Thing. Nevertheless, many things fall into this category as well. Think of how many times you've heard a black person say they like Nickelback, Limp Biscuit or Linkin Park yet couldn't name one damn song off their album. (This, is the same phenomenon often representative of 'Fair weather fans' who couldn't name one person on their "favorite team's" roster besides Randy Moss or Derrick Jeter.) I despise these people, yet at one time questioned whether or not I had indeed become one.

Did I really like Miley Cyrus or was it just a fad....just a phase? Was I a secret pedophile or did I actually like the music and acting ability of a teenage white girl?

I thought long and hard about...then my pondering was interrupted by Kiss 95.7 playing that New Miley joint, "Party in the USA." I shit you not, I was nodding my head like I was at a Nas concert in 96. Tranquility had been reached. I liked her, and quite like her too (Weezy voice.)

I love you but I wish I could quit you (Pt. 3): Miley Cyrus

It started off like drugs. You sniff it, light it or take your first hit. The important thing is , you do it once. It is an experiment. Such was my first encounter with miley.

For those of you who are unaware (or live under a rock,) Miley Cyrus is a white Pop Culture princess and I am a black guy who raps (i refuse to type ""rapper" because I dont get paid to do it.) This being said It was a natural progression that in my attempt to rap and keep up on current events (aka appeal to the TMZ crowd) I made a reference in which I talked about being thugged out and still watching Hannah Montana. I thought it was funny. Problem was, however, that I had never watched the show or listened to Destiny Hope Cyrus...ahem....Miley's music. I am Mr. keep it 100, I said to myself. How can I sit and tell the public a bold faced lie? I couldn't. The decision was made. I had to take my first hit of Miley...and it was sooooooo sweet.

At this point I know some of you are thinking "is this a thinly veiled reference to trying drugs, underage women or actually an ode to a teenage singer?" To that I say, draw your own conclusions. Sure I think miley is cute, but nothing about her screams Jennifer Lopez, or Jenna Jameson. Miley is cute in that she appears to act her age. Her show is pretty funny and the girl can blow (sing...get your mind out the gutter.) Do I think it was OK for "Lil wayne and dem" to say "In about three years, holler at me Miley Cyrus" in their song "Every Girl?" Nope. It wan't and Billy Ray shouldve kicked his five foot ass for co-signing that nonsense. On the other had, Billy Ray has to know everyone wants to give his daughter the business. What? I'm just keeping it 100.

So, what happened next in this dangerous downward spiral towards drinking Heineken and watching the Disney channel, might you ask? Well, you see...I wake up early. Whether I was waking up early to watch Hannah Montana or if it was a coincidence is irrelevant. The end result was me watching Hannah Montana (although not with the same "I want to beat off" feeling I get when watching other Disney Princess Raven Simone...what? She's legal.) If you think I'm lying, you can ask my girlfriend at the time who would awake to me watching Miley and eating Old Chinese food at 8:00 am. Don't judge me.

I was hooked. Downloading songs and Tivo'ing episodes...Breaking out into cold Miley Sweats. I had a problem though I would seldom admit it. That's the first step...denial. I DO NOT, LIKE MILEY CYRUS. I DO NOT LIKE MILEY CYRUS.

Friends: Yo what are you doing tonight? Lets hit the strip Club.

Showrock's Mouth (No Homo): Nah fam. I gotta chill with wifey.

Showrock's Brain (Extra no homo): Must watch Miley re-runs.

I ignored the urges and made the decision not to try and "bring my Little cousins" to the grand premiere of the Miley concert in 3-D movie. I was going to fight this cold turkey. Then it happened...

I was riding in the rimmed up tinted out whip with the ipod on shuffle. A few minutes before I hit the hood, windows down, Timbs and hoody crisp and it happened... my Iphone re-introduced me to the greatest musical paradox I have ever witnessed and it was my fault. My stereo went from bumping "Catalina" off of Raekwon's Only built for Cuban Link's Pt 2. to Miley Cyrus's Party in the USA. Our relationship had been exposed, and thus, I had to call it quits. It was getting out of hand and before I began missing work or sneaking an ipod into the bathroom stalls I intervened on myself. No, I didn't need A&E for this intervention as I, myself, had taken the first step towards independence.

I know there's a long, difficult road ahead ...but wish me luck.

Live, Love, "when the Brittney song is on....I said the Brittney Song is onnnnnnnnnnn!"



MW said...

There's a great catchphrase some of us may know from The Boondocks's Riley to describe exactly what this post means, Showrocka.


I'm glad that you finally choose to expose a part of yourself (yes, fine: "no homo") that isn't just drunken shenanigans or hating on women in your cell phone roster who can easily decode their PINs. ...Well, maybe not all of them have the, um, "detective skills" to figure out the tricky math behind your cryptographic genius.

Just don't over-share. I'm sure that there's a lot of vile things marinating in your cranium that no sensible and decent person should ever be served on a plate. That being said, I for one am all ears! (Or, eyes [it's a blog]).

mandy ;) said...

miley, well i watch her show but atleast i got a kid lol, not but seriously there is nothing wrong with being in touch with your inner child (no homo).

kristina said...

I hate that little slut but god damn that song is the sh*t!