Thursday, September 3, 2009

Hoodrat Report Card Pt 3. (Family Edition)


Yesterday's Blog viewership numbers were low. Therefore you all do not get a Trey Songz "LOL Smiley Face", but Rather a Sticky Fingaz-Fredro Starr "SMH Madface. (Onyx reference.)" I'll have to assume that since Today's the first day of school, you were all busy getting your kids ready, OR out chasing pre-pubescent jail bait booty. I'm praying for the former. LOL, Smiley face. No homo.

It's kinda ironic that today, as I already had my mind prepped to talk about hood and hoodrat shit, that I run into some dude downtown screaming "New-Port, Loos-ies....New-Port, Loo-sies!!" at the top of his lungs like he was the peanut guy at a baseball game. For those of you unaware, Loosies are loose cigarettes which used to be sold for 25 cents but which have somehow made there way upwards to 50 cent or a dollar. Blame Bin Laden and that 9-11 shit. Can't beat off on a plane, can't get a cheap cigarette. LOL. (Hangover reference...Duh.)

For those of you familiar with my "Hoodrat Report Card" series, you know that I make a clear distinction between hood and hoodrat shit. Lefleur, for instance, called me "hood" last night because I had 1 mug full of grape kool-aid in the fridge. Lefleur, being as astute as he is, asked the question: "you didnt make the Kool-aid in that mug, did you?" Showrock, being the indubitable hood nig*a that I am, responded with an emphatic yes! Apparently, making 1 glass of a powdered drink so that everyone won't drink the whole pitcher full is hood. Who knew!!?? Sidenote: Making 1 glass of a powdered drink in a restaurant is beyond hood....it's hoodrat-ish. Now that the distinction has been made...Let's get it (G-dep voice). Who? LOL.

People think I go too hard on the females (especially the black ones.) Maybe this is just because white girls and all men have a better sense of humor. Kidding. See, you can laugh...it's OK.
Anyways, today I want to give an extra big shout out to my girl Tea-Capone. Gangsta name, Gangsta chick. I know you all are thinking, Show's promoting something other than himself?? Milestone??? Nope. I just like other people who keep it 100 in the Internet blogsphere and yes, she has a website. Get this, her website is called www.Ihatehoodrats.com . See, how could I not co-sign that. Anyways check her out for videos and pics of the chronicled behavior of miscellaneous hoodrats as I am off to complete a special mission.

That's right, I'm giving hoodrat report cards out to MY OWN FAMILY!!! SMH.

Showrocka Presents: Hoodrat Report card Pt. 3 (Family Edition)

Names and identities have been changed so that I can still attend Holiday functions.


Exercise
Now, I'm going to start with the tame shit as sort of a warm up, and since Lefleur is like family, I'm including he and his relatives in this post. In an effort to not be disrespectful to my elders, I will say that not all Hoodrat behavior is chickenhead-ish. Some of it is just plain funny. Read on playa, read on...

Lefleur: A ni**a been in the gym like everyday this week.

Buck-Dinero: Don't nobody care. You still a pudgy bastard.

Lefleur: Hate, hate, hate.

Undisclosed Family Member #1: Damn Lefleur. You slimming down. How you lose all that weight? I need to get on that diet.

Lefleur: I just been doin a lot of Cardio.

Undisclosed Family Member #1: You mean all I gotta do is drink Bacardi O ?? Oooooooh. This gonna be easy.

Lefleur, Buk-Dinero & Show: SOH (Shaking our heads).

Hoodrat Grade: B+ (This was more funny than bad, however...associating everything with Yak (liquor) is undeniably hoodrat-ish. Fuck it. If we knew better, we'd do better. Right?)

Frugality (aka being cheap)
Hoodrats are usually know for their ability to spend someone else's money with the quickness, basically acting like a ghetto kid in a ghetto candy store with a free tab. When it comes to spending their own money, however, they often tend to let the full spectrum of ghetto price saver mentality out for all to see. Now I don't mean discretely sipping nips (small bottles of liquor) in a club bathroom. This is worse.

Waiter: And what would you being having to drink.

Show: 24 ounce Guinness please.

Undisclosed Family Member #2: I'll just have a water with lemon.

Show: I see my Guinness coming. That was too quick, they didn't pour it right.

Undisclosed Family Member #2: Pass me that sugar. (Proceeds to squeeze lemon and add sugar).

Show: You are not making lemonade? SMH.

Undisclosed Family Member #2: Sheeeeit. I aint payin 3 dollars for THEIR Lemonade. It'd probably be too sweet anyway.

Hoodrat Grade: C (This, again, is not the worst case scenario, although it is embarrassing. No harm, no foul....I guess. If she would've brought a Tea Bag and asked for hot water, however, that'd be worthy of a "D". LOL.)

Just as a sidenote, I was playing bouncer at my hometown bar the other day, and these white, preppy, Yale sophomore chicks were definitely displaying hoodrat tendencies by sneaking beer into the bar in their purses! To make matters worse, they were sneaking in Natural Ice Cans and trying to sit at the bar and drink them! Privileged Hoodrat hoes!! See...It's not a race or class thing.

Blind Dating
I distinctly remember a family member...(cough, cough...Mom) going on blind dates when I was young. My pops wasn't really around so it was all good. Excuse me, let me rephrase that...It was all good UNTIL THE HOOD CAME OUT! If you don't know what this means, keep reading.

Waiter: OK sir, you'll be having the Baby Back Ribs...and you , miss?

Undisclosed Family Member #3: I'll have the fried seafood platter, and the baked stuffed sole.

Blind Date: (Makes surprised face) You sure aren't shy.

Undisclosed Family Member #3: I couldn't decide. If I dont eat it all, Ill bring it home for lunch tomorrow.

Skeerrrrrrrrrrrt. Pause (not the no homo type, but an actual pause.) Ordering two entrees in and of itself is C-/D+ hood. The final grade is much lower, however, and I will tell you why.

Hoodrat Grade: D- (As a reward for nt burning down the house or calling DCF when my mom went on a blind date, I would always be brought home a doggy bag which consisted of, yep...you guessed it, an entire, untouched fried seafood platter. Suckers!!! Also, Family member # Mom...you know you weren't right! Hahahahaha. That's why I don't take chicks out to eat.

Movie Night!
Now everyone knows snacks at the movies are overpriced. Luckily for us, there is a discount supermarket directly across from the theatre which makes for an easy decision to buy giant bags of candy (for the same price) and sneak them in. A few times, me and my boys Big head Ted and the bunch would even dare to sneak in 40 ounces of Olde English in his giant JNCO jean pockets. Yes, thats hoodrat-ish, but no, we aren't talking about me today.

Undisclosed Family Member #4: I brought my big purse today and stopped and picked us up some munchies.

Show: Good lookin out. I aint trying to go broke eatin stale popcorn speckled with rat feces. they don't clean that shit out every night!!

Entrance into the theatre is completed and we all sit down in the back row. Something starts to smell funny, and just when I'm about to gasp for air, I see undisclosed family members #5 and #6 reach for a bottle of hot sauce. undisclosed family member #4 had snuck freshly fried fish into the theatre. I SHIT YOU NOT!!!! THE WHOLE THEATRE SMELLED LIKE A FISH FRY. I was so embarrassed.

Hoodrat Grade: F (What type of shit is that? You couldn't just eat it first? In the parking lot? This, my friends, is "F" worthy aka the embarrassment trumps the overall hilarity of the situation. I will no go in the corner and cry tears of shame. LOL. No homo. )

I don't even know what to say after this post man. Reminiscing about the hoodrat shit which has been done in my prescence is draining. Oh well, somebodys gotta do it. By the way, I'm upgrading to the new Iphone 3gs so soon I will have video (though I do this for the literary form and will never be a bitch ass video blogger). That doesn't mean I won't get your hoodrat behavior on tape!!! beyatchhhhhhhes.

Live, Love, Go to www.Ihatehoodrats.com and keep the party going!

Show

2 comments:

MW said...

First a death threat, and now getting served disownment papers from the mother who went on bad dates to feed her ungrateful bastard of a son!

And I'll raise you an F- on the final tale of hoodratishness if UFMs #4-6 yelled things at the screen, inadvertently spewing fried fish and hot sauce on the people in front of them.
_____________

Your next family reunion is going to suck.

Rock said...

Haha. F**k what you heard. We were eating good!!! She used our real "food money" to put us both through college. Smart woman she is!