Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Flyest White Chicks In Music...Ya Dig?

It's Official, boys and girls! After bearing our souls and exposing the pale-skinned skeletons in our musical closets over the past two days, the Bros have decided to go ahead and just make this White Girl Week here on, and Hump Day features plenty of variety for you muddasuckas out there. We got pale princesses of all ages, types, shapes, sizes, and levels of drug addiction, cuz to quote the late great Pimp C, "Bitch you know you like daaaaaaaat!"

The title up top speaks for itself, so without further to-do (Boriqua voice)....

C4 Presents: The Flyest White Chicks In Music (in order of flyness)

OK, so I lied about the whole "further to-do" thing. First I'd like to qualify this list by who is the flyest right now, not of all time or of ten years ago. It's damn near 2010 people, 1999 was a long time ago. Kids born that year are about to be in middle school, so stop bitchin' you old dirty bastard. So with that in mind, don't expect to find Jessica Simpson (even though she's thick now), Christina Aguilera (take a shower!) or Britney Spears (I support your long road back to relative normalcy). "Who will I find then C4? You've disqualified the darlings of my teenage years!" Have no fear, fat loser guy. Yours answers are directly below.

9. Kelly Clarkson

Oh my baby, Kelly. Girl you just be sangin' your heart out! She's got that attainable girl next door charm that America agrees is just unmatched. America believes this so much, they made her the very first American Idol, and after all these years she's still the most successful, and arguably the most talented from the Simon Cowell Kennel. Kelly's the kind of girl you wife up, cheat on, then are sorry you did it because she's such a great girl, but keep doing it anyway.

What's not to love about these hazel eyes

But not to be overlooked, which dropped her to the bottom of this list (f*** it I'm shallow), is that my baby is putting on some serious weight! And not that good Jessica Simpson weight.
Since you've been gone! I hit the buffet for the first time! The chicken was good, yeeeeeaah, yeah!

This is bad weight, but f*** it. She's my birthday buddy (April 24th), and I have faith in her come-back-ability body-wise. Musically though, hasn't missed a beat. I could never turn my back on you, baby. My life would suck without you.

8. Joss Stone

I almost feel like she should be disqualified for being overly black. First, she's 20 and sings like a 45 y/o obese black woman from Mississippi. Second, she's British, and the sexy accent alone is grounds for dismissal (of knuckle children!). On top of all that, the b**** is f***ing Raphael Saadiq!!! Fell in love with a boy? No, fell in love with a legend. That's baller. I don't even know if she knows how ballerific that is. Have y'all heard his last album? With her on it? Her swag is crazy right now. And peep the lezzie kiss from her new movie. Foreboding further down the list? I think so.

7. Miley Cyrus

All I'll say about our Monday Crush is that this little girl has maaaad stage presence (Rihanna take notes!), and did her thing at VH1 Divas Live (no Kanye). I only worry that like Christina Aguilera and Lindsay Lohan before her, she'll never be as hot as she is right now, as dirty old and young men try with all their might to keep their hands away from their johnsons for fear of retribution while patiently awaiting 2011. Hopefully she'll at least Britney it up and not burn out til 23. But this pic is just wrong.
Feel dirty? You should, you pervert! (Yeah, me neither)

6. Katy Perry

If I kiss this girl, I will like it!

Gotta give it up for the first chick to actually sing about the young lady curiosity that seems to be a right passage nowadays into young adulthood. And guys love it! The whole Girls Gone Wild franchise was created in her spirit (albeit before her fame). And she's got hella spunk, son! Attitude off the charts. Big-Ups to the pop star gully (relatively) enough to call say to her dude in a song, "you're so gay, and you don't even like boys." Way to stick it (pause) to all these p***y ass girly men who need to be told about themselves. I ain't mad atcha Katy. Your image is a lil too well organized, but I think it's genuine at heart, and I dig it.

5. Fergie

See yesterday!!!

4. Lady Gaga

I love this chick! I can't get enough of her. I wanna p-p-p-poker her face, p-p-poke her faaaace! Her whole style, her whole swag, her crazy, everything! And this is why. The bitch is obviously a little off, mentally. And she hides none of it! And I love her for it. She makes out with chicks in her videos (third girl-kisser on this list), her wardrobe game is other-worldly (for better or worse) her music is catchy AND good, and she wants to take a ride on my disco stick! (hey I personalize these songs) She sings about getting f***'d up in the club like none other either (sorry J-Foxx). Oh, and shorty used to be a stripper. She might have the best pum-pum on this list. Or at least one that will Erykah Badu a ninja.

You know who she is? She's Christina Aguilera who bathes, and who's image isn't just a marketing construct. That's really her. She can sing her ass off live on piano, she can rock the stage and the video. Props baby. Respect. My number is 410-.....

3. Pink

Lil Miss I Don't Give a F*** is still the baddest white bitch in the music biz, almost a decade in the game. Made the successful transition out of faux R&B thug chick life to the punk rocker she really is, and even inspired our very own Wha Gwan Anwar to choose the UPenn, in Philly, partly on her behalf. And he's a smart ass dude (whether or not he's using those smarts for good or evil). The tattoo game is sexy as hell, the nose ring, the music is straight from the heart, and she might stab you if you piss her off. Is she Puerto Rican???

2. Gwen Stefani

Inexplicably Sexy since 1996. No body? No problem. Face is alright, f*** it. Still inspires knuckle children the world over even in motherhood. Embrace the MILF status, Gwen. You've earned it. No Doubt.

1. Madonna

OK so I kinda lied about the whole Lifetime Achievement portion of this, but I can't hate on a chick who was a sex symbol when I was born, and still is one. Plus she got a new album out so there. And if any of these young hoes wanna step to her, they will feel the wrath worse than a sexy midget getting busy with Kobe Bryant.

Now to borrow Show's sign-off,

Live, Love, La White Girl,

C4 2 Ya Door


Dezo said...

pink should be number 2 c-4 but its cool i can live with top 3 lol

Notorious S.H.O.W said...

Boooooooo nigga booooooooo. This list was as false as Wja3's best albums of the new Millenium. No Denise Richards? No Lindsey Lohan? No Jennifer Aniston or Jennifer Lopez (That bi*ch is white!)?

To top it off, the white girl lifetime achievement award goes to Madonna and not Oprah??? OK, maybe Madonna's sexier, so ill let that slide.

What about the Transformers hoe? megan what's her name?

And how'd you forget Coko?


C-Fo-2-Ya-Show said...

"White Chicks IN MUSIC," read the title playboy. Not one of the chicks you mention qualify.

Nappy Headed Show said...

OK, point taken. I forget Miley is a singer sometimes. You still forgot vanessa hudgens and half of Alicia Keys. LMAO.

beezy the snowman said...

I love white hoes. I would like a phone the next time someone decides to put together a list like this.

Beezy the Snowman said...

What happened to the great Celine Dion? Or what about Brooke Hogan? These are quality white hoes that deserved to be mentioned.

MW said...

What I got out of today's blog: "dismissal of knuckle children". I'm adding that one to the repertoire. But before your knuckle child grows up, he's just another animation baby*.

*This definition applies also to computer screens, so wipe off your sticky keyboard and get back to posting!

Anonymous said...

I am appalled by this list

What about shakira and every single country singer?

Anonymous said...

These chicks you chose are ugly...most of them anyways. I mean lady gaga, pink, kelly clarkson, madonna. haha

Black men are retarded,lol