Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Families That Can Get It (Pt. 2)

"The middle-aged housewife is situated in the worst case scenario in terms of the "families that can get it" spectrum. You are 36 years old and Hot. You had your daughter at 18 and your mom had you at 20. What this means is that people can theoretically be jerking off to visions of you, your daughter and your milf mom simultaneously."

Just don't do it to this pic because I'm in it. God forbid you get skeet on your computer, or even worse, on an image of me on your computer!!!!

As most of my viewership is in their early to late twenties I feel safe in referencing the opening quotation. Please keep it in mind as it is important, and we will revisit it at the end of the post.

Depending on when you first started reading the blog, you may or may not be familiar with our post series "families that can get it." Yea that's right, ladies. Every time you and your family walk by, we men (as programmed by nature) are conditioned to check out you, your sisters, your daughters, your mamas and even your mama's mama. LOL. Don't get mad, just consider yourself fortunate to have been born into a family with good genes. Just don't go to the bar for "mother-daughter let's get trashed night" because niggas will try to run a train on you.

All these things being said...."let's take it back to the old school" (Greg Nice voice...Google him.)

Back in the days I wanted to fu*k the mismatched converse off of Punky Brewster's big titted ass. (I think it is OK to say that, because I was little back then too.) Sidenote: Punky Brewster somehow ended up dating Al B. Sure...Now google that shit!

Say what you will, Solei Moon Frye (aka Punky) is hot.

I also had a thing for Whitley from a Different World, Topenga from boy meets world and Peggy Bundy (don't ask.)

The point of me saying this is, "TV chicks that we want to bone" come a dime a dozen. What then is the allure of the seemingly unattainably gorgeous celebrity if you can pick one from any television channel at any given time? What then, is the penultimate goal of beating off to sitcoms while home from school on a snow day? I'll tell you what the goal is.

Finding that one show, that one true gem in a sea of cubic zirconias and cheap Mall jewelry...that one show where every single woman in the family is a suitable fantasy for popping off your bastard knuckle children into a napkin (or Kotex light days panty liner...hahaha...shout out to #4104. LOL.) Do these families even exist on TV? Hell fu*king yes. They also exist in real life, but I wont name any names. You know if your mom is hot...you may not like it...but you know.

Showrocka Presents: Families that can get it (Pt. 2).

2.) The Winslows


Ok, maybe we are starting off slow. Give me a break, the post is titled "Families that can get it" not "families that are models." On a dark night (or a lonely one) you'd give her the business. Don't front. She's got that freaky, Cheryl underwood from Comic view face. Ok, lets keep it moving.

Aunt Rachel (Oww Owww). (Please ignore Laura's creepy smile and adolescent Rabbit teeth.)

"Ridin on them chrome rims, smokin on that sticky/ riding with a girl same color as a Hicky." Get it? She's a Red bone. Lol.

Maybe I just have a thing for older women, but I would've beat that high yellow punanni up until it looked like it had a run in with chris brown (before the bowtie.) LOL.

You never saw her with dates on the show, despite her being cute...hmmm....RED FLAG!! Either she likes girls (+1), is upstairs with the Jackrabbit getting it in (+2) or is waiting for a viewer like you to suggest she go into the adult film industry (+100)like young judy below...damn, you didn't know that? Guess I ruined the surprise.

Daughter Judy (Jetson voice & cadence. lol)

Remember she kinda disappeared from the show? Yea. No one really knows why, but we do know it was the catalyst to her downward spiral of sexy craziness. That's right, soon after turning 18 she got herself hooked on drugs and, yep, you guessed it, began "acting in adult films." While at the time she was on the show she was just a young'n, she is proof that good things come to those who wait. LOL. It'd only really be gross if the porn director was the same one who directed her as a child actress. Creepy.


Maaaaaaaaan, you know Stephon Ur-kel was hittin that right!! (wait, did he even hit it?) Anyways, thats neither here nor there. Shawty is a 10...and this is coming from Mr. "everybody thinks I only date Latinas"!! Fuck the conclusive evidence, I dont discriminate. I'd wax laura Winslow's booty like Mr. Miagi, then snap her with Urkel's suspenders and Carl Winslow's lubed up night stick. Remember? the dad? (No homo).

Now here comes the part where I make everyone who's mother isn't ugly feel bad.

Actually, the middle-aged housewife is situated in the worst case scenario in terms of the "families that can get it" spectrum. You are 36 years old and Hot. You had your daughter at 18 and your mom had you at 20. She is 54 (yea boiii, my math's improving.)What this means is that people can theoretically be jerking off to visions of you, your daughter and your milf mom simultaneously. Why do you think people like Jennifer Lopez and Halle Berry wait until they're way into their thirties to have kids and attempt to bypass this scenario ever happening.

Just think...some guy's knuckle hairs are encrusted with stale semen he produced while salivating at your freshly ripe young daughter. Maybe I'm taking it too far. Maybe he got his juices flowing thinking of the condomless sex with your hot milfy menopausal mother. Owww Owwwwww. (Drops mic).

There are plenty of families that can get it...just hope yours isn't one...unless you're into that. And if you are....hit me up at #2035. LOL.

Stay tuned for the number one family.

Live, Love, Comedy for comedy's sake.



MW said...

You are forgetting the fake Hariette Winslow who appeared late in the series to replace the original actress. How does she rank in this hierarchy?

And God forfend that anyone, ever beat off to Steve's Southern bell cousin, Myrtle Urkel. (shivers)

Rock said...

Anyone who popped off to Myrtle Urkel likes Boys...and probably has a crush on Jaleel White. Also, MV, I wasnt aware of the fake Harriette. Well done.

mandy ;) said...

ummmm this is rather biased cause from a chicks point of view this is not the hottest family unless you with the chick on chick thing nothin wrong with that ;) but if you are straight this would not be the t.v family that will make u diddle ur self to sleep.

Show said...

Well, Ms. Mandy...there are two families tied for #1, and you are probably thinking of one of them as you rock yourself to sleep. That is....if you like girls. lol.