Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things That Are Not OK (Revisited, but New!)

C4 the Blog Killah returns now that I have left Fort Greene for Crown Heights, not too far from the intersection of Jews and Jamaicans. Guess which side I live on, bredren? True story, the divide is as real as getting off the 3 at Kingston and looking South towards the Jews or North towards the Jamaicans. The Bank of America is on the Jamaican side. I think someone was trying to be funny.

I mention my move not just to excuse my absence from you guys, but to also draw upon the things I've been observing here in the self-proclaimed thoroughest borough of New York City. Many of the things I've seen have been, you guessed it, NOT OK!!!

Let the exposé begin!

Drinking beer through a straw is NOT OK!

This is the most bitch-made looking way to look while drinking alcohol of any kind. If you're a man and doing this, your head is in the closet but your ass is peeking out like the former capital of China (Peking. No homo). If you're a woman doing this (which was indeed the case the other day in Clinton Hill), two things are wrong.

1. You are disrespecting your boyfriend, who is in turn disrespecting himself by loving and being with you (pimp hard!)

2. Who are you fooling? Have some soda if you're gonna sip from a straw, or at least a cocktail. Pass the Alize over to you, classless bitch (shoutout to Lydia, lol to The Poet).

The s*** just don't look right. It's awkward. It's not sexy, and it's not cool, and therefore my fly ass canNOT condone it.

Cursing at your children is NOT OK!

Even less cool if she was 7.

I'm not talking about loud-mouth teenagers and pre-teens who might have the bad-ass mind to curse right back at you, and will continue to run amok without an intervening ass-whooping. I'm talking about borderline toddlers you s***ty unfit mothers. You've seen these uncouth chickenheads at your local bodega or random trifling location in the hood. "Shut the fuck up! What the fuck I just tell you?! The fuck you think you doing?! Shut yo ass up!!"

Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What is wrong with YOU?! This is a developing young human absorbing and slowly piecing together his/her relationship with the universe, which mainly consists of Mommy. All that negativity just produces the emotional problems that turn them into future purse-snatchers, strippers, crack fiends and stick-up kids later on down the line.

Cmon ghetto moms, your kids got enough holding them back, your attitude towards them need not be one of them. Your situation may or may not be your fault, but what's certain is that it's not theirs either. (Message!)

Saying 'a-rab' is NOT OK, no matter what Ron Browz and Busta Rhymes tell you about their money. Look. It takes less time to just say Arab. Why add the hyphen, except to sound ignorant, racist, and uneducated. Why marginalize the Arabs, especially if you're black. These people have taken the nigger torch from us for almost ten years now since 9/11 happened and it became ok to profile them everywhere, and display open prejudice against them at airports, gas stations, libraries, offices, titty bars, basically everywhere.
Yeah I know, they still give us a hard time tryin to get a cab, but we should be used to that. It's cab driver asshole disease, or CDAD.

She definitely doesn't drive in Brooklyn. If she does, call me.

This is just hilarious. Australian cheese, they really did this.

Saying 'chinky' is NOT OK! Yes, even when trying to flatter some woman's eyes. It's also dumb racist, B! After all they've done for us. Who makes fried chicken wings like the Chinese? Who does manicures for you black women better than Koreans? Who understands our plight better than the Vietnamese and Cambodians? Whose broads listen to hip-hop and f&@k with black guys like the Filipinas?Whose happy ending is happier than the Thai, the Japanese? That's what I thought. So stop it, you ungrateful bastards.

Listen man. You don't get to be racist just because you're black.

Read that sentence again, memorize it, take it to heart. Just because we (rightly or wrongly doesn't matter, just stating the fact) call each other nigger all the time in conversation and rap songs doesn't mean we have license over ALL the racial slurs. Those races you are slurring hold that copyright, and you are infringing.

Therefore if someone of whichever group you're referring to feels obliged to whoop yo ass for talking that $h!t, they are well within their rights; just as you would be if you caught some cracker popping the N-word. Yes, that's the exception. White people.

Sorry white people, you can still be slurred. You get away with everything else, minorities get to say whatever they want about you. To quote Chris Rock, "sometimes people with the most $h!t get to say the least $h!t, and people the least $h!t get to say the moat $h!t. Wanna say some more $h!t, get rid of some of your $h!t."

The prize is in the front. The easy target is top left.

Bachelorette Tiaras are NOT OK
(depending on your persepctive)

This is like having a giant colorful blinking light on your head silently screaming, "Jizz On My Face, FREE! One Night Only!" Wait, that's EXACTLY what you're doing? Yeah that's what I thought.

Brides to be, you are dropping bloody chum in shark-infested waters when you subject yourself and particularly your homegirls to the male attention that comes along with a rowdy group of women, one of whom is wearing a pathetic little crown that may or not have lights on it.

Every man in the room starts circling your group like Jaws, and at least one of your drunk friends with marriage on her mind, lust in her drooping eyes and mojito in her hand, is getting clipped. Right off the back of the herd.

And that's all good. Just as long ad the one with the tiara doesn't catch a case of Distant Dick, and some non-fiancé smashes her days before her wedding.

Hmmm, forget what I said. I'm a man, so this is a good thing because it can only lead to a cool story for your boys. But you won't catch my eventual wife rocking a tiara for her bachelorette party. Maaaaan, FUNK DAT!

C4 2 Ya Door with pre-newlywed whores.

Ya Dig?!


MW said...

Peking was NOT the former capital of China: it IS the capital of China. We Occidentals just adjusted the pronunciation to fit the way those Chinkies actually say it.

Oh, "chinky"? Are you fucking serious? I had no idea anyone used this who wasn't born before 1950. "Almond-shaped eyes" sounds so much more flattering. (I love Asians).

As far as beer-strawing goes, how about those beer hats? It's redneck, and low-class, but it sure isn't bitch-worthy, right?

And yes, the parent-child verbal abuse is just that: abuse. It's disgusting that awful people recapitulate their own awfulness in their offspring. I can't help but laugh, though, to see the opposite: adults attempting to deal rationally with toddlers (mostly a white thing):


MOM: "No, Tanner. I have repeatedly asked you to stop tugging on Mommy's dress. Please behave more appropriately in public, or you'll get a time out when we get home, young man!"

CHILD: "Ooh! Puppy!"


(Bitter morning coffee begets this deep-seated festering antisocial venom)

Much love, everyone!

Meemz said...

I would like to advise anyone too lazy to actually pick up a beer, hold their arm up in the air for several seconds and actually drink out of a beer can or bottle to invest in a yak-pak aka a camelbak. you get the benefits of a straw and the beer hats without the ridiculous appearance and disappointing shake of the head from onlookers. Plus, it's great for places where you shouldn't have alcohol in public, like parades. take a look folks, they have them in different colors and sizes to accomodate the little lady and her burly, beer consuming hubby: http://www.camelbak.com/sports-recreation/hydration-packs/classic.aspx

Tucker Max-B. Owwwww said...

I feel you on the dumb ass tiaras C-Rich, and definitely dont think its OK for young chickenheadmothers (Or old ones for that matter) to be cursing at infants and toddlers, but the rest...? Is it really not OK to say A-rab? Its just like saying "Moooslum", "I-talian" or "Mu-Latto." Wait? We arent supposed to say that either? Whoops. Insert foot in mouth. No homo