Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Hoodrat Reportcard

Show--Show--Show--Show--torious!!!! (He is....he is - Diddy voice) Show-torious! (Uh, uh, Take that).

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa boi. The Blog Monster is back from hiatus, and I've even got some new theme music. I know yall like it, and if not...go sniff the sweaty nut sack of Usain Bolt after he runs the 200 (no homo), you bumpy faced hater who your mom should've aborted (or swallowed.) LOL.

Now that all the nicities have been taken care of, we can get down to some serious blogging business.

Showrocka Presents...The Hoodrat Report Card

Now I know each and every one of you...male or female...have dealt with someone who had some indubitably hood tendencies. Smoking Newports and black and Milds = Hood tendencies. Putting hot sauce on everything and pouring water in the ketchup to make it last longer = hood tendencies. This being said, hood tendencies ARE OK. Hoodrat tendencies, however, identify you as one of the basest most vile street urchins of the Chickenhead spectrum.

That's right ladies and gentleman, Hoodrats are the worst type of chickenheads...they are the ones who embarrass the shit out of your ass despite the fact that they seemingly have no shame. They pop gum, chew loud, use words like "dookie" (which is no OK unless referring to a dookie rope chain) and spew a plethora of other unintelligent hogwash from the lip glossed semen spigots they call mouths.

Examples to follow.

Fine Dining:

My homie Buck-Dinero meets a girl for the first time (on some blind date shit) and trys to put the Trey Songs-Issac Hayes smooth ni**a mack on.

Buck Dinero: Yea you know, we can go out to a fancy restaurant where it's not to loud so we can eat like kings and get to know each other a little. What's you favorite restaurant?

Hoodrat: Oooooh. You know that Pizza Restaurant on Whalley av? Their pizza is Blazin'.

Hoodrat Grade: C- (you are not the worst type of the worst type of Chicken head, but citing a hood pizza joint as your favorite fancy restaurant gains you "Below Average" Hoodrat Status.)

Ordering Out:

Now I'm an asshole and sometimes like to pronounce the word Bordeaux as Boar-Ducks just for comedic value around friends, but this type of behavior becomes a problem when the person pronuncing the word thinks they are doing so correctly. Dre-Drizzle, an associate of mine, was witness to some hoodrat chickenhead tomfoolery as he brought a girl out to dinner (at a bowling alley..LOL) and she displayed this exact type of hoodrant pronunciation predicament.

Drizzle: What do you want to order? Should we start with some appetizers?

Hoodrat: Oooooh. I want some of those Ja-Lop-a-no poppers.

Hoodrat Grade: D+ (Yes. She pronounced jalepeno by saying Ja-Lap-A-No. This is as not as bad as saying Tar-jay {Target} and identifying yourself as a bougie chickenhead, but it is still godawfully Hoodrat-ish nonetheless.)

Lefleur, another victim of taking a hood rat out to eat, was able to avoid the pronunciation problem alltogether. The problem with this method, however, is that the general rule of thumb which states that "if a Hoodrat can pronounce it correctly, its probably mega-hood" always applies. See below.

Lefleur: I'll have a Blue Moon 24 ounce please.

Waiter: And for the Lady?

Hoodrat: Ummmmm. What's the name of that black beer I like?

Waiter & Lefleur: Guiness?

Hoodrat: No, No. Not that. Hold on on right quick. (Gets on Phone)

Lefleur: Did you find out?

Hoodrat: Yea, yea. Can I get a Molson XXX?

Hoodrat Grade: D (Molson Triple X is a malt liquor, and while ordering St. Ides or Olde English would have secured her a lower grade, this is pretty fuckin bad. Shame on you girl!)


I cannot tell you how many times I've heard this conversation. Actually, it's gotten to the point where I swear I saw this discourse back in forth on someones facebook wall. SMH (Shaking my Head. )

Potiental Hoodrat: My eye is swollen

Hoodrat Friend: Hope u hit him back.

Potiental Hoodrat now Turned Definite Hoodrat: Hell yeah. I'll fight him like a nig*a.

Hoodrat Grade: D- (Domestic violence damn sure isn't cool, and is never acceptible, even if your girl is bigger than you. Ladies acting like this shit is cute or "just business as usual" are the reason that a lot of non-hoodrat bi**ches are out getting their asses whooped!! Your ex boyfriends are running around thinking the Ike turner Treatment is OK! It's Not! If this class were pass'd fail!!

In moving to the next relationship story, I'm gonna take it to the bing...Jail...the slammer...the clink...the Bighouse. I know a few C.O.'s (correctional officers) and ladies, don't worry, you are not being 100% put on blast cause jail ni**as don't get the internet. This being said, I can verify that many-a-babymomma-chickenhead has been seen entering Big Cheshire (a jail where everybodyyyyyyy from the hood is locked up) with sweatpants, a baggy shirt and doobie wrapped in a headscarf. Are they doing this because they're filthy chickenheads who like to look disheveled? Nope. Because they're trying to sneak things into the jail via their baggy clothes? Nope. They do it just to show their man they are holding him down on th outside, saving the na-na and sexy shit for when he finishes his bid. Aww how sweet.

C.O. - Jones : Aight miss. See yall next week when you come back to visit this deadbeat ni**a.

Hoodrat: Stop playin, that aint funny. Ill see you next time though.

15 minutes elapse and the girl and her 2 chickenhead friends (also visiting their Bf's) are still inside the car.

C.O - Jones: What the fu*k is going on over there. (Walks toward car.)

Hoodrats (plural): What you trying to take a peek? God...we about to leave.

C.O. - Jones : Did yall really just change. Really? Mini-skirts, fresh hair-do's and stripper heels?

Hoodrats: Don't play yourself ni**a these are from DSW...these aint no payless heels.

C.O - Jones: you know yall aint right.

Hoodrats: Sheeeeit. We goin to the club. Just cause them ni**as gotta be stuck in jail on a saturday nite. We're still young. Holla.

Hoodrat Grade: F (I don't know why this seems so wrong, but it does. Its one thing to keep it 100 with a dude in jail and say "look. I'll take care of the kids, send you money and hold you down....but ni**a, I'm gonna be going out!", but its a completely different thing to pull some sh*t like this. Buyin new outfits with his leftover drug money. SMH (Shaking my Head.)

Honorable Mentions (also known as 'Incompletes') on the Hoodrat report card go out to anyone who ever, when asked "what flavor they would like" responds with "Red." Red is a color, and despite what countless years of hood conditioning and super sugary quarter water / basehead juices have told you, red is not a flavor. Blue, however, is. What? I'm from the hood too. Blue is ALWAYS blue rasberry....there's no Blueberry juice....therefore its a flavor. Red can be tropical punch, strawberry or even cherry. Come on son, you know better....

Other incompletes include saying "I had to get my hair, toes or feet 'did'", drinking any color Cisco and repeating the phrase "I only drink good beer like Heinekens and Coronas." Also, I dont care who you are, or where you are from, but smoking blunts or black and milds make you a does drinking Paul Mason Brandy or E & J.

Hope the report cards dont spoil your summer vacation.

See you when School Starts.

Live, Love, the School System

Superintendant Showrock


MW said...

But don't you enjoy drinking hugs? That "punch" flavor is clearly just "red".

And kudos to you on "lip glossed semen spigots".

And finally, wow. Three friends each have a boyfriend/babbydaddy in jail? And then they slut it up after leaving said jail? Is this like some hoodrat version of a B-grade black-themed chick flick about "learning to breathe again"?

Up next on BET: How Stella Got Her Nails Did.

Noodle Leggged Rocka said...

LMAO at "How Stella Got Her Nails Did".

Anonymous said...

wait a fuckin minute. I got u a big ass bottle of e&j for ur bday nigga. u a hootrat cause u liked it. lmfao