Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Heterosexual Gay Sh*t & Homosexual Thuggery (Part 1 of 2)

Anyone who knows me can tell you that there's nothing that turns me on more than a Double D'd Latina, Smirnoff White Grape Vodka Mixed with Codeine Cough Syrup, or ingeniously clever usage of the English language. This being said, my love affair with metaphors, alliteration and the double entendre are only to be eclipsed by one other thing (which doesn't have titt*es or hallucinogenic properties)...the concept of irony.

In thinking about this concept the other day, I was prompted to recall many times when things which seemed completely crazy and out of line, were ironically glossed over and accepted as completely cool...OK...permissible. Actually, let me stop bullshitting yall. What actually amazed me was the fact that I've been able to get away with saying so much foul shit simply because I write good [sic]...ahem....because I write well.

In the same way that those pretty boys Maxwell and Genuine could get away with singing " I want to stick a finger in your butt and fu*k your face until you're covered in my Milk of Man-nesia" just because of their sultry, hypnotic crooning expertise (pause), I have used the power of the blog in nearly the same fashion.

I have told single mothers to shut the f**k up, encouraged men to taste their own skeet, and set the black race back hundreds of years by bringing back the word "coon", all the while escaping into the blogesphere unscathed and leaving viewers saying "well....he has a point."

As clever as I am (shameless self promotion aside), I have realized that I myself have almost been tricked by the media and popular culture who use this same type of logic... (replace "good writing or prose" with "BET and Chickenhead Water Cooler Conversations" and the analogy is identical.)

Certain things have gone unquestioned all too long, and been generally accepted as Heterosexual when in fact they are GAY AS F**K. The same goes for things which people generally write off as "GAY"...a lot of those things are actually quite heterosexual. Don't be fooled people. Check it out, as Mr. Bi-Latto (no homo) breaks it down for you....pause....

Mr Bi-Latto Presents: Heterosexual Gay Sh*t &
Homosexual Thuggery (Pt. 1)

"I Do It Cause Chicks Dig It"

5. Cuddling

After sex, cuddling is not has never been cool, nor will it ever be cool. Think about it? How on earth could it be more comfortable to sleep all scrunched up rather than maximizing the available bed space. Also, after sex (or good sex at least), you are both sticky sweaty and gross. I'm usually like 'trick get off me'!! Nobody likes sleeping in the wet spot, so why would I want to sleep all boo-boo-ed up to a hot, wet you?

Cuddling (or spooning) is for rubbing you erect man-bone up against your jawn's plump little booty BEFORE YOU GET SOME. That's right bi**hes, it's a precursor to fooling around. Any girl who demands you cuddle afterwards has low self esteem and wants to not feel like a whore, or have you get up and bounce. Fellas...Chris brown the pu**y, skeet-skeet-skeet, then roll to your side of the bed....or you're a fag.

4. Small Tattoos

Tattoo's are awesome, just like a BMW. Think about it, telling a girl (or at least one concerned with aesthetics) that you have a Bimer is an instant panty dropper. Problem is, she is imagining a 745 with rims, and when you show up in an old ass 3 series or 1 series hatchback you have not only built up her expectations and let her down, you've also made yourself look gay.

The same goes for small tattoos (or trampstamps. LMAO). If she looks and uses the word "Cute" or "I'd like that for myself", then you've crossed into the territory of heterosexual gay shit.

3. Small Luxury SUV's (X3, Rav4 , Aviator, freelander)

Excuse me....Is that an SUV for Little Kids and Midgets? Thats what I think when I see miniature sized luxury SUVS. Newsflash jackass, they were created for women who didnt want to or couldn't drive the larger versions, not wanna be ballers who COULD NOT AFFORD the bigger version. The Rav 4 has no bigger version so anyone driving one (sorry WJA3) isn't cheap, but may actually be gay. Either way, you lose baller points, stunting currency and earn yourself a homosexual demerit for this one....Just get a Jeep or Ford Explorer and and call it a day. Sheesh.

2. Baths

Oh my bad son (no homo)...I didnt realize you were recovering from a sports related injury and have to soak in your own filth as part of recovery. Oh're not? So you're taking a bath why? Exactly. Because you're gay. LOL.

Now I know most men take showers but think its ok to take a bath with your girlie-girlie honey bun-boo piece. Yes, this is OK...but its still gay. Two grown ass people in a little ass tub! Sure you do it because you think she likes it, and she tolerates it because she knows you're trying to be romantic, but in the end its uncomfortable, no one really gets clean and you both get so horny that you immediately go bang and then TAKE SEPARATE SHOWERS! GAY! Why not just quit trying to cater to what you think she wants and give her the one thing that women actually need us men for...D*CK!!!!

Bring her to the get to pretend to be romantic, she doesn't end up sexually frustrated (unless you're a minute man), and in the end, you can get clean. Sidenote, put condom on first....skeet and water and spermicidal lube don't mix. I bet you didn't know that. I bet you do, however, know what they all taste like when mixed together, you bath taking heterosexual Gay!!! Ladies, next time your man says "lets take a bath" tell him to go eat a genital wart salad with a period blood vinaigrette dressing.

1. R&B

Yes, I know ni**as are gonna hate me for this one but who cares! I'm just keeping it 100 and speaking the truth. No woman wants a man whos sensitive all the time! Even worst, no woman wants a sensitive thug (I'm looking at you Game).

What this translates to is a woman wants you to tolerate the things she likes, not actually like them. Ladies, would you want to see the Sex and The City movie with your man? F**k no! Thats woman sh*t. The same goes for R & B (R-Kelly and Ray J Excluded.) If the R & B has no curse words, it is inherently gay.

I can hear my boy Peez-Dingo (Pause) gettin upset right now, saying "what's wrong with a brother throwin on that smooth shit A-Pizzle ?" It's funny you should say that, Brotha. Here's the key. Your girl wants you to have the new Maxwell CD readily availible so that she can hear it if necessary...she does not want you to suggest it. LMAO.

Live, Love, Crossing the line (Pause)


slim said...

last I checked you have a bunch of R&B cd's in your car AP....

Rock said...

Last I checked the Cds were Ray J, R-Kelly's 12-Play and R-Kellys Gospel Album!! Ha!

a soul following Yahshua said...

Boss, a what fuckry dis is nah man? Ye skunt ass says cuddling is faggot terriroty. skunt, you want fe dead eh?

a soul following Yahshua said...

Correct: 'territory', for ya academic skunt self. Stop bewitch black woman; nah dis mother earth, ye hear me?

a soul following Yahshua said...

and nah bother erase me post, seen? you know me, trust, but you nah know me, seen?

a soul following Yahshua said...

Allow me to begin by simply stating, I am sorry.

The threats I made were made under the ill effects of a psychological condition I suffer from. The threats were absurd, ridiculous, outrageous and completely empty. Anyone who knows me personally can attest that I would be the last person to ever follow through on any such threats.

I realize that the grievances I did have with your opinions should have been addressed in a diplomatic manner. Unfortunately, as I was in the throws of the illness I suffer from, I was tactless and simply stupid in my approach.

For the fact that you seriously felt your life threatened, I sincerely apologize. Again, it is not within my character to make such threats, and further, it is not in my character to follow through on such threats.

In closing, I hope that this humble, and sincere letter of apology remedies the harm I brought to you and your blog.

A disgraced fellow alumni