Thursday, August 13, 2009

Heterosexual Gay Sh*t and Homosexual Thuggery (Part 2/2)

In an attempt to validate my non-homophobicness (I know, thats probably not a word), I would like to preface this blog by saying that I often use the words "homo", "homosexual" and "gay" as a catch all. Pause. No homo. What I mean by this is that oftentimes it is easier to say "gay" than it is to offer the more accurately descriptive adjective which can range from anywhere from "corny" to "foolishly flashy." This, however, is not one of those cases.

The things I'm finna (down south word of the day) describe are things that muthafuc*as actually think are gay...homosexual...di*k in the ass-ish, despite their being completely hetero. I'm not used to doing this, but I'm making a concerted effort to be fair to all the gays (LMAO at me actually saying "the gays") and "the straights (see i'm equal opportunity. No homo.) Ok, It seems I'm digging myself into a homosexual hole (GEEEZ. PAUSE), so I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead. On with the post my coon!!!!

Heterosexual Gay Sh*t and Homosexual Thuggery (Part 2/2)

"Yo That's Wild Homo Son"

See above. Yep. That's what ni**as in the hood say upon hearing of any of the acts listed below. Honestly though....people need to stop being so homophobic (Pot calling the Kettle a book). Nevertheless, have no fear for I am here to dispel myths and tell the world that the following 5 acts are only gay when a gay man is doing them. If you are gay, by the way, I simply say "do your thing patna... to each is own"...but we aint sharin a toothbrush buddy. LOL. Sorry C4, I know you told me to cool it, but its all in jest...and if they dont like it, they can eat a hoagie roll full of used jail condoms from the AIDS ward. Sheeeesh, That boy goes hard. :)

5. Fraternities

Chicks who arent frat groupies think that fraternity guys are immature, sexually promiscuous and nasty. Guys who arent in fraternities think they are gay. I will not make a judgement call as to the validity of either claim except to say that the females are right and the males are frat-reject haters. Do I smell Bias? I'm sure thats what you all are thinking right now, but let me explain the premise of non-gayness evident within fraternity life. Other than schoolwork and attending mandatory Nationals functions, 75% of frat life is looking cool for girls and trying to smash their uterus into tiny llittle woman bits.

Sure there are a bunch of guys living in a house straddling the borders of bromance with pinpoint accuracy. There are also enough people with the same morally questionable ideas to convene for a virtual meeting of the hormone crazed minds, devising deviant schemes to pull know? Get ass. Female ass. Don't you think there's a reason why people continue to join our all male organizations year after year? You don't see anyone intentionally doing that with the other famous all male institution, jail. LOL.

4. The "Tailored fit" outfit.

I'ma keep it 100 and say most of the people that read this blog are at least 18, meaning they are GROWN UPS. For those of you that aren't, my bad, I'm about to hate on yall.

At this age, or stage, in our lives when should be able to differentiate between nice clothing and clothing which is good only for comedic value. Think of the cross colors short sets from back in the 1990's (white people think of rat tails and mullets). As we get older and tastes mature, most of us have realized that oversized baggy clothing looks ridiculous and it is time to slim it down. Just as this transition was about to occur, however, Kanye West, Pharrel and Lil Codine-ezy all decided that punk rock skinny jeans were going to be the new "It" thing. A bunch of grown, eccentric men wearing womens big deal (shit, we let andre 3000 wear a turban and kilt.) Then, however, the thugs and entire population under age 18 ran with the trend.

Now, we grown up men are so afraid of looking adolescently gay, that we are afraid to wear regular sized clothes. SLIM FIT AND SKINNY JEANS are not the same. Wearing tailored clothes or anything that is the right size isnt gay at all! Skinny jeans, despite what I have previously said, are very gay. I've realized the error of my ways. I know, even with a gun in them they don't look tough. Forgive my indiscretion.

3. Ponytails

Let me first say that ponytails and pigtails are NOT THE SAME THING!!! Unless you have long-ass "I look like I'm indian" hair in two long Gangsta Loc-Pocahontas braids like snoop or Nipsey Hussle, pigtails are gay. Ponytails, contrarily and ironically, are quite thug. Say what you want...chicks love nig*as with long hair, be it dreds, braids and on the West Coast , perms! Sure it sounds gay to say, "yea son, I gotta get my ends clipped" or "yea, hold up fam, let me fix my ponytail," but so what. You all remember what is was like growing up. White people remember the Outsiders and the Bad boys have long hair mantra. Black folks also remember movies like South Central that reminded us that thugs have braids. Well, times have now changed and both these styles have merged to form the gender neutral, thugged out ponytail. It aint just for Ponyboy anymore. LOL.

2. Dancing with your boys (Whaaaaaat?)

Doint the Booty Dew with your boys? Gay. Doing the "Lean with it, rock with it"? Questionably Juvenile. Doing the Solja boy with them? Kinda silly but cool if coordinated correctly. Doing the Wop together? Old-School Gangsta. Harlem shake or Chicken noodle soup? Cause for an all out dance-dance revolution battle. True story. Niggas be serious about their Chicken Noodle Soup-ing.

All these things being said, I think that it is evident that dancing with your boys is only gay if you guys are doing gay shit like booty shaking in unison or actually grinding on each other like 8th grade co-eds at a dimly lit dance with no chaperone. Dancing with your boys, in actuality, is the best way to attract women. Chicks see you not hounding them (i.e you aren't a stalker), drinking with your boys (i.e. not cheap and have a job) and basically having a good time (you are a fun guy.) This is the female equivalent of seeing two groups of women, one holding Bibles and the other group all licking Peanut Butter off Bananas. We know who to pick, and so do you! No disrespect to church or GOD. You know I luvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv you my ni**a. Im just saying.

1.Thug-Hugs (Slap, grip, pat)

If you described it as a thug hug it would be wild homo (extremely gay sounding), which is why we call it giving Dap (not to be confused with giving dome aka fellatio. lol). For those of you still unaware of what this is, it is when two Urban males graze each others hands for a brief, fleeting skin to skin contact, let their hands become one as they grip each other with the ferociousness of a pitbulls locked jaw and then pull each other close for the purpose of a short, sensuously loving embrace all to be ended by the crescendo of a pat on the back as if to say "thank you for this moment." See, if you describe it like that I can entirely see why people think its gay. It's really not that deep though (no homo). It's just what you do. You give dap. You slap hands, shake, and offer a little "pull-in shoulder bump, pat on the back."

It is what it is...and it's not gay. I'll put my bromance on it. lol.

Live, Love, Part 2's



MW said...

Ponytails have never been gay. They are, and always have been, disgusting and trashy.

You will not catch one self-respecting man, gay or straight (especially gay), wearing a ponytail.

You're more apt to find gay men with pigtails (drag?), or the occasional straight guy* with them.

*Country troubadur Willie Nelson, FYI

And if fraternities don't want to be viewed as gay, why did they sponsor (If you really need to confirm the content of this site, you're at least bi-curious).

Heteroflexible Thanks to Showrocka's Blogging?

Showrock Show said...

And the illustrious MW-Wizzy makes his triumphant return to the blog comments section. You've been missed. Figures it'd take pictures of the Show Rock Show looking ridiculous to bring ya back. Points well contended. Owwwww.

Kim said...

So what about calling yourself the Cock Monster? Is that Homosexual Thuggery or Heterosexual Gay Shit? "Look out here comes the Cock Monster! He's gonna gobble up all the cocks he can fit into his mouth!!!" Just wondering.

S-Rocka the C-Monsta!! said...

The Cock Monster is a reference to being a Monster of Cock. Not a Monster who eats cock. We've been over this many times Kimmy!!