Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Darwinian Evolution of the Chickenhead

I don't believe in dinosaurs, however, i do believe in Chickenheads.

Do I smell a conspiracy theory a-brewin'? Nope. Just some good old fashioned straight talk about the process of Darwinian Natural selection, the Dinosaur Myth and...yep, you guessed it....Chickenheads. Enjoy.

The Darwinian Evolution of the Chickenhead

Darwins theory, in its simplest form, states that the strong Will survive and the weak will adapt. Ok, that's cool. it makes sense. If this is the case, however, how the f*ck is it that the gigantic, ravenous mammals with huge fangs like Dinosaurs, woolly mammoths and sabre toothed tigers became extinct only to leave behind their bitch ass cousins the "tiger" and "elephant."

Sounds to me like some bullshit. The theory is inherently flawed. I am smarter than Darwin (at least once I combine forces with the power of the Internet.)

Why then, even mention the Darwinian theory if it is flawed? Well, you's not completely flawed and if viewed a little more closely, the theory eludes to what Darwin most likely intended it to prove. Yes the strong survive, but strength is not to be determined merely by physical strength or ferociousness. Strength lies in ones ability to adapt.

Not having knowledge of this particular theory but possessing a womanly, mother's intuition women began to raise their daughers according to this method. Yes thats right chicas, your intentions were good, except that it was not well adapted super-women which you succeeded in creating. You all f**ked up and created infant chickenheads which you have been subconsciously nurturing ever since. Chickenheads (despite the urban definition of "a girl who sucks d**k"), are not merely defined by their fellatious tendencies. Think about it, how can a baby who doesn't suck d**k yet still be considered a chickenhead? Just conjure up an image of a "pacifier" and let me explain.

Chickenhead-ness is reached through various stages in the same way that adolescent children go through puberty, and it is not until one is well into her 50's or 60's that she will become cognisant of and renounce her chickenhead ways. What makes chickenhead-ness so difficult to detect is that it metamorphoses as one grows and matures. Few would doubt that two 17 year olds fighting in the street over a boy are acting chickenhead-ish, but what about the 38 year old woman inviting friends over just to show off her new Louis Vuitton Purse, and look down upon her girlfriend's Gucci bag from last season? Call it what you want, but it reeks or chickenhead-dom to me. Funny thing is, not only are you ignorant of the fact that you smell like KFC, but you also refuse to realize you're creating little Chicken McNuggets in training. LOL.

Here's how it all began...

You began thinking it was cute to walk around 8-9 months pregnant in little moo-moos, maternity dresses and small tents, only to have other non-pregnant chickenheads reinforce your belief. In all honesty, they only thought it was cute because you were pregnant rather than them, but that's another story for another day. LOL. People begin to rub your belly and feel baby's first kicks.

Baby was actually letting you know that she liked the "massage" and was kicking whenever it stopped. Baby's first temper tantrum. Little did you know you would be initiating a 90 dollar a week sweedish massage habit which your daughter would not be able to afford...we forgive you, for you knew not what you were doing.

Soon you pop that baby out like a loose filling and the attention starts to pour down upon you both (this, in the case of mothers, is often what causes postpartum depression). You dress your baby in cute little outfits and get her addicted to the smiles, hugs and kisses to the point where's she's sucking on that attention like it was a giant di*k and she was auditioning for porn. Call it foul if you like, but you created this chickenheaded monster! I'm just the bringer of bad news also known as the truth. Don't shoot the messenger.

In the same way little boys begin vying for attention via scholastic and athletic achievements, mothers unknowingly prime their daughters under the premise that a woman should always look her best. What then becomes important, in the child's eyes, is not looking her best, but looking better than all the other girls. Sure your daughter may be smart, athletic or multi-talented, but it is the chickenhead sickness which all but consumes her mentality and causes her to focus on all things aesthetic. Sure some girls don't care about these things, but they are chickenheads in other ways. Vying for attention in the classroom, at the spelling bee and later on in the corporate boardroom. Sure all chickenheads suck di*k...but here's the important part. That di*k can be "attention", "fame", "fortune" or the worst of all..."Love." Let that be a lesson to you all...if you suck in anything for the feeling of achievement and self worth (be it "glory", "affection" or "semen") you fall somewhere on the chickenhead spectrum. Sorry.

Once girls reach puberty and discover sex, the Chickenhead tendencies emerge full force as oral acrobatics and skin flute practice take the place of saxophone solos and ballet recitals. Yes, I am afraid to say it, but by age 18, your baby probably had her tongue on more poles that Ralphie's friend from Christmas story. Sure you didn't triple dog dare her to do it, but your subconscious actions were what brought this about. Have no fear, however, because by the time she is able to drink, the Oral chicken head phase is over as women realize the most effective way to suck all they want out of life. By the mid to late 2o's women realize that sex is what truly bestows upon women the unparalleled power to shape their own relationship destiny, and by ages 30 and 40 they realize that replacing sex with marriage is an even better alternative...more lucrative and less energy consuming.

By the time a woman reaches her 50's, (Kiesha Cole's people not included), she begins to realize something important about the sport of Chicken-heading. The true pleasure lies not in how much attention and worldly pleasures you can suck in, but rather how you can enjoy life and be happy without hurting your "metaphorical jaws." Stroke the ego of others for a chance and quit sucking the nutrients out of life's finite resources... quit talking about what others can do for your mouth some trouble and give life a hand job. LOL.

Don't worry, I don't just hate on women...I hate on everybody!

The Darwinian Evolution of The Dickhead (Pause)coming Soon!!

Live, Love, Laughs


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