Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I'm Talking to you...COON!!!!

There's a thin like between being gangsta and being a coon.

Flavor Flav is a Coon.
My Ni**a Montana Blak is Gangsta. Pause.

And Now, onto our regularly scheduled post...and it's a good one.

I'm Talking to you...COON!!

What up Ni**as and Ni**etttes. Oh, shit...I'm supposed to be killing the N-Word.

Anyways, Its about that time for the Nappyheadedbros to rant and rave about the raunchiest, most riveting racial rhetoric, respectfully refusing to renig, renounce or recant for our recklessly rabid rodomontade. Owwwwwwwwww. Take it from there C4....

What up fam? The BK in BK(Blog Killah in Brooklyn) is bzack in B-More for a couple nights this week where he just finished perusing his NappyHeadedBro's poignantly penned post about attempting to quit the N-word, and it made him ponder the vernacular of the hood that raised him on Baltimore's West Side back in the day. And now that I'm done talking about myself in the third person via run-on alliterative sentences, I feel it necessary to intervene to assist my esteemed colleague through this, his latest conundrum (I got nothing for you on the fattie porn though, you gotta shoulder that wide load on your own, lol).

First off, I agree with and support Show's stance on Nigga pretty much all the way. Only difference is I don't think we need to necessarily quit Nigga altogether. Instead I propose that we as a nation rejuvenate another word from racist antiquity in order to clarify and differentiate between the positive and the negative; to alleviate some social tensions and help to take some stigma out of Nigga.

That's right kids. I'm calling people coons again.

Sidenote: I urged this nigga not to do it. BTW, I will be posting in know? the color of a dead fetus stuffed with crack cocaine rock.


Read it. Say it aloud. Think about it.

How does it feel? Uneasy? Embarrassing? Shameful? Hurtful?

Then good. The desired effect has been achieved and my work here is moving in the right direction, ahead of schedule.

For you see ladies, gentlemen, bitches and niggas, the term Coon had a healthy circulation of usage in the City of Baltimore when I was growing up, and unlike her equally ignorant but more respected and presentable cousin Nigga (relatively speaking), Coon never enjoyed any positive connotations. It means what it meant as well as what it means today.

Contrarily, the word Coon, in New Haven, used to get us ass whoopins with a switch from Grandma who thought that the Jim Crow era was all too recent for us to be throwing around the term. Old ass geriatric haters.

Let me explain, Rev. Sharpton. Amongst we black Baltimoreans (also known as a 65% majority), anyone displaying some combination of the characteristics of those we'd otherwise label clowns, herbs, assholes, stans, and losers, is also subject to being defined as something far more stigmatic and damaging: a Coon.

This person might be the neighborhood cornball constantly playing himself in public. It might be a hood rat behaving badly enough to embarrass her own hood rat friends. Or maybe it's just a plain old dumb nigga doing dumb nigga shit, sorry for cussing.

In any and all of cases, you can say, "that nigga's a coon!" and everyone would know what you meant.

Coon has always been an embarrassment; from it's source, baracoon, the box where slave were kept before being sold, to the exploitive portrayals of African-Americans from Jim Crow to today(I'm looking at YOU, Ying Yang Twins), it's never been cool to take pride in coonery (no matter what BET wants you to believe).

And the best thing about Coon? White people wouldn't DARE start saying it. You can play off Nigga with the "I listen to lots of rap" excuse, or "I hang out with lots of black people" or "I grew up in the hood" or "I don't mean it that way," etc, and talk your way at least out of an ass-whoopin. Let a white boy start sliding Coon around like a hockey puck and see if an NHL-style ass-whoopin does not ensue. Mmmmm, I'm loving this word more with every word I type!

I remember one time I was in high school and this fat cornball African kid was acting like the uber-ass-clown he was on his way out of the cafeteria, and momentarily unaware of my white friend standing next to me, I said out loud, "He's such a coon," in utter disgust. A-Rom (white kid who contacted me on facebook about this to protect his anonymity) replies, "Did you just call ****** a coon?" Yes, I did. "Can you even say that???" I can (long stare). He knew what time it was.

***Sidenote: The Story of ShowRocka's Coon Gang ***

Though this reckless montage is all C4's doing, (this time), I cannot help but interject with my own fond memories of the word coon. Back in the days, Me , Scoochie Man Lefleur, Jon-Jon and my boy Nino B. aka Dot (Who is a dope rapper down in ATL now) all had a little gang called the Coons. Yes, I know how recklessly irresponsible and niggerish this sounds, but f**k it. I keep it 100. We were called the Coons. Though we naievely picked the monkier "coon" as a reference to raccoons (which we, at 10 years old, thought were gangsta) we ironically went around using a coon call of "coon-coon", kinda linke an owl says "who-who", despite the fact that racoons dont even make sounds. What? We were fu*king little and didnt know any better.

Also, to make matters worse, our little gang UNDOUBETEDLY ran around engaging in Coon activity. For instance I remember walking around Yales Campus everyday with a walkman plugged into a giant house speaker (one would carry the speaker and one of us would carry the walkman) bumping the new Junior Mafia CD. I also remember sucking on Tea-Bags (PAUSE. No Homo.) with the string hanging out cause we thought it looked cool.

Soon we got a stern talking to abut the meaning and origins of the word coon and were told never to use it again. I filed it back in the perifials of my mind only to have to dust it off for the reemergence of Flavor Flav. It is now in regular rotation thanks to BET, Hot 97, Hot 93.7 and other platforms for niggerish tomfoolery driven nonsencical cooning. That is all.

So, who exactly is a coon? Funny you should say that, you slur-happy friend of mine. I think we all know who the coons are in the public eye, but let's just recap a few to be sure we're all on the page, yes?

I'm goin' iiiiiiin, I'm goin' iiiiiiin, I'm goin' iiiiiin, I'm going iiiiin... (PAUSE.)

Put your money away, stupid.

Plies. You are a fucking coon. I hate you. Nope, I didn't say Goon, I said Coon. There is nothing redeeming about you, and those who like your music should be ashamed of themselves. (And I'ma go hard!) Yeeeeah I said it. What. This nigger (yeah I said it again!) is the worst. WORST! Remember Bust It Baby? Do you? Remember how hard Ne-Yo tried to make that song good? And Plies just kept dragging the song back on down like it was Whitney and he was Bobby. His own song, mind you. I almost remotely feel bad for ether-ing this cat so bad right now, only because I think he may be legitimately retarded but no one peeped it, because "retarded" and "southern rapper" are frighteningly close in appearance these days. It's like a warped version of Charlize Theron in Arrested Development (if you don't get that reference, you've missed out on great TV). Plies, you are a coon.

"And then we fry up the hogmaws..."

Michael Steele, you're such a coon, and you don't even know it. That just makes you an even bigger coon, because you think you're doing good in the world. How? I'm not sure, because you're the Chairman of the Republican National Convention, and apparently missed the the memo that YOU ARE BLACK!!! Asshole. Sitting there throwing in inappropriate slang references to cookouts and watermelons, IN FRONT OF REPUBLICANS! Why? Why must you do this? Why the uncomfortable-for-everybody half-assed attempts at indicating blackness you're obviously insecure about? You're not at the BET Awards, you nut! You are in front of Congress. This, this, my enemy, makes you worse than Plies, because you do it in front of the lawmakers of the United States of America, instead of 12 year olds. Or maybe you can argue which is worse. What you can't argue? That Michael Steele is a coon.

"50, UH! I mean Dre, um, nah. Uh.....WEST COAST!"

The Game is a silly ass coon, yo. Let me count the ways. 1. Used to be a stripper. 2. Got left by his girl on national TV when he went on Change of Heart, and HE wanted to stay together, sucka for love ass mark ass trick ass buster. 3. Got a butterfly tattooed on his face, AFTER making a name as a gangsta-rapper. You can't be hard and have a butterfly on your face! He had "pause" his own face and tattoo "LA" on it afterwards, but now look at your face. You look stupid. I hope you're happy you coon ass nigga. 4. Constantly finds a way to backpedal off the reckless ish he talks just enough so you are always questioning his gangsta. 5. Can't rap 15 seconds without saying "Dre," "lowrider," or "west coast." OK so that last one is just a pet peeve of mine, but yall get the point. Dude has no rap credibility. He's a coon. [sidenote: Game just got sued by his cousin for snuffing him, at the cousin's sister's funeral. That's not coonish, that's just niggatastic, and worth mentioning]

Nick Cannon is a harmless coon who married Mariah Carey and tattooed her name on his back. He'll regret that shortly. Coon. I ain't mad at him though honestly. He's just corny and he thinks he's cool. Get money.

Fuck that C4, aside from being a coon, Nick Cannon is a Mark ass buster if he doesnt kick Eminems ass for making that diss song which is now geting HEAVY (ewww) radioplay, where he talks about boning Nick's wife and skeeting on her leg. He may not be able to match him lyrically, but this deserves a COON on WHITE COON Ass whoopin!! See the following link for the most offensve diss song in history (Tupac's 'Hit em up' Excluded.)

Other coons who don't deserve a full paragraph include but are not limited to:

Shawty Lo, aka Diet Jeezy
Real and Chance, of VH1 fame
Wendy Williams
Max B (formerly of Dipset. Gotta really be a winner to be stand out in that crowd)
Ron Christie (another black Republican)
Everyone to star in a BET reality show

Ahem... Flavor Flav

Rocafella Rapper Tru Life (for eating Fruity Pebbles Cereal mixed with Cristol champagne and wiping his mouth with 100 dollar bills.)

N.O.R.E (for having an iced out Newport box on his chain)

T-Pain (for obvious reasons)

Gucci Mane (I mean shit, look at HIS NAME!!)

Whew, good thing we ain't famous yet. NAACP would be on my ass. But what do I care? Them coons had a publicized funeral for the N-word. You know how much scholarship money that wasted? Idiots.

Once More 2 Ya Door (and baracading my own),

Live, Love, Laughing at these Lames



Anonymous said...

Classic post but take my nigga Gucci off that List. --B.Money Via Text

Nick said...

Good post.

As a white guy can a black person ever become head of the RNC w/o being characterized as the word you discussed in today's post?

Or will it always be an oxymoron to say a black republican?

Carl said...

As long as that black guy pretends he's doing something good for black people then yes, for at least another decade or two. If he's straight up like yo i'm rich and protecting my rich interests, then I can't be mad at him.

riceroni said...

This is one Jew who's down with 'yo crew! When I saw the biggest step'n fetchit coon of them all Ron Christie on your list I had to subscribe to this blog! Keep up the great work!