Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Bros Present Dezo's Way: How not to throw a party

What up people? Summer has officially been kicked off and the weather is niiiiiiiiiice (Dezo Voice) . Chickens are out with their watermelons on display, in a fashion that only a true nigga could appreciate...(get it? Chicken...Watermelons?) Wait....you seriously didn't get that? Man, fu*k yall...read a book on slavery and Jim crow. Meanwhile, I'm gonna sip a brew and tell you about DEZO's WAY , the first official Nappyheadedbros party.

At the risk of scaring away all the respectable chicks and having the chickenheads flock in abundance, we have decided against the Red Carpet and stripper pole. Yea I know. Boo nigga, boo. What we will have, however, is food, yak and brew. What more could you ask for (other than a Baby daddy who didn't bounce on yo ass, or a shorty with a fatty and no gut ?)

This being said, bring your white, black and pepperican asses (owwwww) down to 215 Henry St. at 4:00 Pm this Saturday. Bring a bottle (or a gift)....no we ain't cheap, but IT IS A BIRTHDAY PARTY!! Damn....If you come empty handed, you better be sexy as hell. Anyways, I digress...We'll be rockin until DEZO eats enough to gain some weight. LOL. Dresscode is "anything which won't get you laughed at, put on blast and possibly clowned on the Internet." Ladies...that means no fucked up toes, and fellas...get a shape-up. LOL. Let me stop talkin shit like a punk ass DJ or bouncer at a club. I ain't shit....but my swagger is impeccable. In case you've never met me I'm as arrogant and asshole-ish in person...come find me. I'll be the dude with the shades darker than slaves whose parents weren't raped, rockin the nappy dreads and body full tattoos :)

Ok, enough shameless self promotion. Why should you come out and fu*k with us this saturday, might you ask? Because we know how to throw a party. More importantly, we know how not to throw a party...Just ask anyone at the University of Penn about Sigma Shorty or Kappa Carl. We got it in. No homo.

Sigma Showrocka and Kappa Karl (with a C) Present:
How Not to throw a party....

F**k what you heard, Frat boys know how to throw a party. Whether white or black, there is something about a group of brothers living in one space that seems to always facilitate social interaction with bi**hes...excuse me...women. What then, is the difference between white and black Fraternity parties? Anyone who's been to both (like Mr. Mulatto), can tell you this is an easy one. Substitute Beerpong for dancing, Kegs for Jungle Juice, Patron for Jager, and there really isn't much difference at all....oh wait, yest there is...YALL BLACK FRATS BE CHARGING NI**AS AT THE DOOR!!!!!

Yea, I said it. Yall know yall aint shit for that, but in C4's defense, he did give us the hook-up, till niggas realized he knew waaaaaaay too many people and pulled him off door duty. LOL (true story!). Anyways, Ill let C4 discuss how to rip ni**as off and steal all the broke niggas girls by twirling his cane (no homo)..C4: (they was mad I was styyylin on em), meanwhile I'ma spit some game on throwing a free party, thereby attracting cheap white girls who've already pre-gamed, are sloshy drunk and are bound to end up like the girl from Black snake Moan.

5 Things Not to Do: Showrocka's Free Parties

5. Seeing as how we had ni**as paying dues (money to the frat) and didn't have to take trips to NAACP sh*t, Leadership conferences or step shows, we had loot to throw parties. Here's the formula...DON"T BUY EXPENSIVE LIQUOR FOR STRANGERS!!! Save all your empty bottles of Grey Goose (with 45 Frat members, this is a lot of bottles.) Re-fill them with cheap shit and use them for MIXED DRINKS ONLY. Know one will know until they have a headache in the A.M, and best of all, it was free so they can't complain.

C4: (yeah we did that too. Freshman chicks don't merit the good stuff, no sense in wasting it on a chick who can't tell the difference)

4. Make Jungle Juice, but Don't make the punch so strong that you have to care for sick people or stop predators from trying to bring home passed out chicks(we accept no responsibility for your stupid drunk friend overestimating her drinking abilities. It is your problem, more sober friend. But we will intervene and put her ass on the first shuttle back to her dorm so the shady Jamaicans {who know who they are} can't tiptoe the line of consent with her on our property.

The only thing we pretty boys hate more than not being the flyest brothers on the block with the flyest parties and baddest b***es, is going to jail.)That's a no-no.

Also, don't let the homeless people in (we did this once and it scared all the chicks away)...you should, however, give them a brew. Don't let them in the house though, we've found them asleep there in the morning. LOL.

3. Also, Don't let the non-descript local niggas in, unless they know someone. We've seen it happen and not only did niggas pull the fire alarm to empty out the house an burglarize it, but they shanked the shit out of the apartment owner who refused to leave!!! Yea....that was a rough night.
C4: (some coon threatened to shoot us. That's when "must show college i.d." became a policy)

2. Don't Allow people to turn on the TV, Play Madden or Halo!!! Beerpong serves as the entertainment and since there are no fancy steps or dances to mesmerize women into believing our own hype, we substitute with braggadocio and displays of fratboy-dom aka Funnels (we once had a 3 story one), Ice luges and Hot dog water drinking contests. Don't Judge us.

1. Don't chastise girls for being "free-loaders". LOL. Soon she will find herself well aware of what these term means in Frat Land. Once ladies feel comfortable that they won't be spending any money, the objectives are always met as a packed house usually ensues. Free parties with free spirits attract free-spirited girls (aka whores), willing to free willy and exercise their mouths in the tradition of freedom of speech. LMAO. Take it away C4.
C4's Parties for Profit: A Study in Economics

Carl's here, Nupe Nupe ...posting in Crimson, Ye dig? (Yo! Yo! to everybody who made it to Conclave {I, alas, had to work})

Yeah we charge n***as for parties so what. Hate us now, you hated us then too ya broke no-toto-gettin bastards. Like Show alluded to, since our money was already spent on giving out scholarships and mentoring youngstas, we couldn't just spend money on alcohol for random n***as. And unlike white frats whose parties consist mainly of their friends, our parties are open to half the college age kids in PA, NJ, DE and who knows where else. Besides, black people just wanna dance and be tipsy enough to hook up with somebody when the spirit moves them. So the punch stayed strong but tasty and the dj made sure the drunk broads weren't stepping on his laptop chord (C4: shoutout to Ironmillz! Show: Whatup Uncle K.J.!! {Pause}) and everybody was happy...well most people. The following folks had hurt feelings.

1. Dudes with no clout standing outside in the cold. Show:
We, on the other hand just pissed off all the local rappers standing outside who thought that they could serve a can of freestyle whoop-ass only to find out that Showrocka is the GOAT Frat rapper...well...him and Naledge.

2. Chicks who did their hair that day. Stupid. Why you show up at the aptly nicknamed Sweat Box acting like you ain't know what time it was?

Dudes dancing with those perm-forsaken smutties when the lights turn on at the end of the night

4. Rival frats whose chicks all went to OUR after-party...to THEIR actual party, LOL. Don't hate the player...well fine hate the player all you want, won't bring that p***y back to your crib, sucka. Show: Don't hate C4, when yall ran out of Nupe Juice, the After-After Party (Pause) was at our crib!!!!

5. Guys whose girls were whisked away before their eyes with SWAT team efficiency and matador swag. Yo-yooooo!

Funny story about the punch situation though. The line between serving alcohol to college girls and high school girls is thick and definitive in a way that can take one from run of the mill facilitator to reprehensible sleaze bag. This is why every year when the minority weekend happened for black/Latino kids who got into Penn and we threw a party for them, it was Virgin Nupe Juice that night. Won't see us in jail like we Dick Cheney ya dig? Funniest part is these girls would act drunk anyway!!!! "oh this punch is so strong! I don't know what I'm doing!" No, you're just a whore, and I won't bone you but some morally questionable freshman probably will. Welcome to college!

OK, back to the part where cats get over-charged. It's the same principle all your favorite clubs use.

1.Build buzz around event/venue/host
the rep speaks for itself ya dig...

2. Offer great deal on price for those who arrive early, awarding their promptness and punishing the latecomers with the balancing inflation. Again, stop acting like you don't know what time it is! You know our Ladies Night features more college freaks than barely legal porn, don't front like you cool and show up at 1am. You will be played.

3. Never let ratio of dudes to women get to high. The sausage fest is bad for everyone. Guys are frustrated there's no one to dance with, and become overly aggressive. Girls get turned off and weirded out by all the slimeballs groping them. Now both sexes are bad-mouthing your party

4. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever stop or interrupt the music until it's time kick people out yo house/hall. Booties shaking is the money-maker, because you know the Punch was done off an hour ago, ya dig?!

5. Don't skimp on the ambiance. Saying anymore imparts too much knowledge of the game. Discretion is key.

I hope you learned enough. Watch the mulatto-party lessons in practice at Dezo's in New Haven on Saturday, ya dig?!

C4 2 Ya Door, bottle of 151 in hand.

Live, Love, Ladies on that Liquor (pronounced Le-Yuck-ahhh)


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