Friday, July 24, 2009

You Remind Me of My 1990 Honda Civic...

Hola people.
I try and try again but I cannot help but constantly center the blog around themes involving bi**hes...and women. This being said (copyright), I must tell you about the life changing revelation which has altered my whole perception of the female population. Whereas before I viewed women like drums, "due to their being "loud (and obnoxious), having banging bodies, and possessing the uncanny ability to make every man on the planet say "I wanna tap that", or "Damn I wish she'd let me beat it up" (the pu**y...not domestic violence), I now see the error of my ways. Women aren't like drums at can't hit them with sticks, they don't sound good with guitars and there's no funny movie about them starring Nick Cannon.

WTF! All these years of theorizing (and fantasizing about making rhythmic cadences with the body of my English teacher) seem to have been in vain...unless....possibly woman could be something better than drums...

C4: "You mean like lifelong companions or homie-lover-friends?"

Showrock Obama: I was thinking more like Guitar hero, you know...a one wo-man band or something.

Needless to say, All my comparisons were beginning to fall far short of passing the Showrock reliability test and I was beginning to think that maybe I should just give it up and resign myself to a life of thinking of women merely as human beings. Just then, at that very moment, a female friend (yes ni**a, a FEMALE!), enlightened me by updating her facebook status. See below:

*smashin* anotha definion of sex. In my opinion not everyone should use this word. Not every man out there is actually puttin in work to the point where damage is being done. So, if your one of the many men that uses this word & doesn't live up to it, STOP before u get sued. That is what you call false advertisement.

Damn. I'm reading this like word Kat? I ain't smash? I ain't put it down like that ? Jk. The status was not only true, but also funny as hell. Reading this every dude out there is starting to question his own pipe game (no homo). I'm actually blogging and simultaneously texting the girl who wrote this just to make sure i wasn't wick-wick WHACK! Either way, f**k it. Still love ya Kat, and if you keep talkin sh*t I'll just have to monkey f**k your weave out sometime in life before you get married! KIDDING.

In all seriousness though, the four aforementioned sentences, did change my view of view of females for the better. Women aren't mere sex objects, eye candy or personal assistants...they're like cars! We need them, even though maintenance is a pain in the ass, and life without them would suck as much as catching a bus in a torrential downpour. Thanks Kat for helping me see the light.

Seeing as how women are like cars, it is important that you know how to treat them or you will end up on the side of the road stranded. Sure some cars look better than others, but it's ultimately up to you if you want that dependable old Honda, or the flashy 7 series Bimer which comes with an Lease you may not be able to afford.

Just like when dealing with women, TLC will keep your car from acting up, and while a key in the ignition is guaranteed to get her revved up, you can usually pop start her with a variety of cylindrical household objects. LOL.'s the interesting part, and the part which most applies to us men. Kat was right, bragging about your driving skills and then running off the road is as embarrassing as crippling yourself in a demolition derby. This being said, keep it 100. If you get into a fender bender with the pu**y, you do not have the right to say you smashed, as you merely caused a"dent".

This is similar to a woman claiming to have had a " bumper tap while listening to Snoop's Doggystyle album" when she really had a"rear end collision while eating a salad!!" LMAO. Keep it 100 ladies, none of yall like to admit you've been in a rear end collision and be labeled as a bad girl...I mean driver...but we know the deal. Every driver has a little Danica Patrick in her. Grrrr.

What happens when you total a car beyond repair or decide to drive drunk (or high on, and have an accidental collision? That, my friends, is what insurance is for! If your "vehicle" is inoperable and has to be in the shop for a while, you, my dude, did some serious damage! You truly smashed!!You Geico-ed that pu**y...I mean, automobile.

This, of course is a good thing, only because a.) it was you who smashed your whip rather than someone else, and b.) you had protection (insurance) so no you shouldn't incur any unexpected medical bills at planned parenthood...did I just say that? I meant so you don't incur any unexpected medical bills at the doctors...I'm such a scatter-brain sometimes. LOL.

Love me or hate me I prove a damn good point.

Fellas: treat you're automobile well, wax it and keep it shining or you know what will happen...You might get carjacked. Suckaz.

Ladies: make sure you have adequate coverage and if he can't Geico that p***y, you better tell him to send his little lizard home and find a man that's a little more PROGRESSIVE.

Live, Love, Having a "Smashing Good Time."



Elliott said...

You've gone soft.

Show said...

Damn, thats harsh. It's aiight though, I like it when people keep it 100. You're actually right though, b*tches either hate me or wanna fu*k me anyway so why bother toning down. LOL.

can you write my essay for me said...

After a long day at work your blog lifts up my spirits completely, the dry and sarcatic humour is just my cup of tea and i love the revelation you came to by the end! Thank you kat!