Tuesday, July 7, 2009

When the Bro-mance goes bad: Dude-vorce.

What up folks? As I figure you all are beginning to settle back into your daily work routines, returning from the extra long weekend hiatus, what better way to celebrate than by reading the best blog I've written all day. LOL. All jokes aside, I think it's time I start kicking the 'Blog' (God I hate that word like old folks hate the N-word) into overdrive. F**k the formalities, pictures and fancy graphics. I've got some real sh*t to talk about dunn-dunn...and like Bin-laden in a cave full of hairy snatched virgins...I'm goin in!

I have a serious question for all the fellas out there. When's the last time you banged out with your boy? Whoa. Pause no homo. What I mean to say is "when was the last time you remember getting into a serious physical altercation with one of your boys?" In all honesty you probably don't remember because either it wasn't that serious, or it was and you no longer consider the person one of your boys. Real talk.

Men are not estrogen filled emotional salads best for tossing up and covering in creamy ranch dressing. We are rational human beings blessed with the gift of testosterone which quickly makes problems escalate thereby eliminating long awkward tensions and rifts within your respective bro-mances. Yes, my female friends, it can be that simple. Have a shouting match, throw a couple punches and be glad the alcohol fueled 'therapy session' has come to an end. What then happens in the case of something more serious, such as the breaking of a Man Law (shouts to Rahzy Von P.) like "Bros over Nappyheaded Hoes?" Enter the realm of Dude-vorce, a concept not to be taken lightly and to used only in extreme situations...when the bro-mance is gone...no homo.

Showrocka presents...

Dude-Vorce: How to break up with a non gay man in a totally Straight Way

Let me first begin by saying that like man crushes, and bro-mance, having a dude-vorce is not gay. Anyone who is still debating the validity of the aforesaid claim can eat a d**k because you have probably listened to Drake at some point this month and are inevitably a d**k eater. Don't get upset, as I myself was even chastised for being on the Drake cock express. No homo. (Anyone unfamiliar with this man should google him, turn on any hip hop station or watch Degrassi.)

This being said, dating a man is not as gay as it sounds. LOL. Ok i lied, its gay as sh*t, but who really cares, we aren't actually 'dating our boys' though it may seem that way to the girlfriends we so painstakingly try to avoid only to replace them temporarily with strippers and myspace wh*res. Yep. I said it. I also just broke Man Law # 1. No snitching...ON YOURSELF!!! This, my friends, is a testament to how committed I am to the NHB website. I'm putting myself on the line so that women are educated on the intricacies of bro-mance and men can avoid the embarrassment of being an ex-dude-vorcee.

Causes for Dude-Vorce: You don't treat me like you used to

Dude-vorce can only stem from the breaking of a quintessential Man Law, of which there are not that many. For those of you thinking that there is indeed a myriad of Man Laws I urge you to reconsider the difference between Man Laws and Man Codes. Man Codes are basically things that you just shouldn't do, like ask a friend where he bought his shirt and then go and buy the same one. Another example of a Man Code would be cock blocking, or inhibiting your boys from talking to a particular girl in order to better your own chances.

Man Laws, on the other hand, are not open to interpretation. You DO NOT date your boy's ex girlfriend (or baby's mother), you DO NOT f**k your boys sister, you DO NOT steal from your boys, you DO NOT do actual gay sh*t , you DO NOT lie to your boys and you DO NOT snitch about your boy's whereabouts to the police, his girlfriend, or his mom. That is it. The Magna Carta of manliness...internalize and revel in it.

Repercussions of dude-vorce: Who keeps the kids?

While choosing sides is inherently gay, we as men must do so for the purposes of dude-vorce. Given the fact that causes of dude-vorce are so straight forward, It becomes easy to see who was in the wrong. Other secondary and tertiary cause for ex-bro-munication include indulging in behavior not acceptable by any standards in any country (including those with legalized prostitution and child labor....no, not the Lina Medina type...Google it. ) Example of this include doing drugs (weed, coke, Ecstasy, Sizurp and anything with a prescription excluded), statutory or violent rape, or contracting a contagious and infectious disease...not like crabs, as you shouldn't be sharing towels with your boys anyway (unless you homos are on a tropical beach vacation.)

LOL. The repercussions of all of these things are a flat out ass whopping, deletion from any contacts or buddy lists, and a lifetime of being labeled as a straight up b**ch. Ways to redeem ones self include kicking the asses of all male parties involved, as no one will have the right to call you a b**ch if you just f**ked them up. True story. This is an unfortunate loophole, but c'mon son...it makes sense.

Therapy: Is the Bro-mance worth saving?

Now I have heard some f**ked up stories in my lifetime and been involved in many of them. Others, I was not involved in, thank God, and can therefore laugh about them without being considered a slim fit on a scale of "1 to skinny jeans."

When asking the question, during a drinking game WITH GIRLS, a friend was asked where the oddest place he ever popped one off (oh, that's my trademarked term for masturbation...In case you haven't heard...) Upon answering the question he responded "in the ocean...on an Island..." What made this funny is that everyone knew that this individual and another friend (whom was also present) had just returned from an island trip (no homo.)

The response: "You popped off right next to me son??"

Is this extremely wrong? Yes. Funny? Absolutely. Cause for a dude-vorce? Nope. It does not break a Man Law...though it most definitely crosses the man code line. No wait a minute....I can hear some of you saying why isn't this considered as something actually gay? Insert C-4 (even though he refuses to co-sign this ridiculousness): funny yo should say that, hater. The ironic reason that one dude popping off in an ocean is not considered actually considered gay is because the dude who did it was a homosexual. Huh? WTF? Yes, that is right my friends. When asking this friend if he was attracted to the other he gave an empathetic no. MAN LAW # 5 says you don't lie to your boys, therefore it wasn't actually gay and Man LAW #4 is negated. Sidenote: It is easy to go along with this line of reasoning just so long as I wasn't the one who almost had a skeety salt-water mixture stuck to my leg hairs! LMAO.

The moral of this story is that yes, your boys will do things that make you want to f**k them up. I accidentally clocked my friend in the face with a closed fist this weekend, and have accidentally stabbed another while drunk. I've had friends who accidentally shot each other and had to learn to walk again, but in the end, time heals all superficial flesh wounds. A true bromance is a lasting relationship or brotherhood of sorts that cannot be broken by stories of jealousy, racism or accidental skeet. Don't break a Man Law, and everything is still fixable. Break a Man Law, however, and you're on your own kid. Tis the way of the world.

Live, Love, Marriage Counseling


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