Sunday, July 5, 2009

What's in a Name? (Pt. 1)

As the quintisencial expert on cool names I find it appropriate that I handle this post like zookeepers do sedated gorillas. Don't believe the authenticity of my cool name claim? All through highschool I was called A-Pac (like Tupac ni**a...thug life) and all through college I was called Shorty Rock...Now my actual passport, lisence and birth certificate say showrock. Beat that bi**hes.

All bragging aside, (a female friend told me I'm much funnier when not sounding like a pompus prick), I have come across quite a few characters in my twenty-some years on this wretched earth. Many of these characters, as could be expected, have picked up ridiculous nicknames that serve the dual purpose of showing that someone cared enough to give them an alias, as well as concealing their real identity from police, baby mamas and actual mamas.

What is often funny about these nicknames is not simply how they were obtained, but how f**king stupid they sound to anyone who wasn't there when the ceremonial naming took place. Trust me, if it sounds ridiculous to someone who was there, it most likely sounds unbelievably foolish to someone who was not. This being said, some of you will laugh because you were present at these events and the rest of you will laugh because I'm just a funny muthaf***a with funny ass friends. Pardon my inherant cockiness, what I mean to say is that nicknames are more than that by which we identify each other. Nicknames are the concrete proof that a ni**a has character and enough true friends around to recognize it. Have funny friends and you'll most likely be doing funny sh*t, which will lead to gaining a funny nickname. Go ahead and laugh at our expense...

What's in a name: Funny Nicknames and their Nonsensical Origin

HS and College Nicknames

The Beaten Girl aka Clevland Brown: While it sounds pretty f**ked up, this girl received this name as a result of her facing looking like a poster against domestic violence. The aka, however resulted from a football analogy or parody of the Cleveland Browns...nice uniform, bad helmet.

LSB: This, in my opinion is the worst by far. To be called an LSB in the vernacular of my own circle of friends means you are the worst of the worst. What do the letters LSB stand for, might you ask? Well, lets just say they are a shortened version of what a friend thought this girl looked like...light skinned balls. Ouch.

Boxcar: While I can't get into the minute details of this story, for legal reasons and my own wanting to include it in my book, I can say thatI have a friend who stole a train in New Jersey while drunk. The story is true as I was there. Why not call him 'Train' or 'Subway' you ask? Boxcar sounds a lot cooler.

Coach: The word coach typically describes someone who is so good at something that they are able to teach others. While the 'Coach' being mentioned today does fit in that category, i believe it was the fact that she F**ked the entire football and basketball teams that led to this cheeky little monkier. Sorry coach, had to put you on blast...oh wait, you don't even know who you are. (Enter girls thinking hard about what and who they did in highschool or college). LOL.

Stripper Nicknames

CBT: This one is pretty self explanitory. CBT stands for Chubby Big Tits. Yep. It's that simple. LOL. Funny thing, however,is that that the only reason this woman is spoken of at great lengths is that after banging a brother of mine (most likely for money) she formed an imaginary relationship and even listed him as an emergency contact upon being sent to the hospital. This story ends with him recieving a call from a nurse asking him to pick her up from the hospital after some outpatient procedure. Nedless to say, he did not show up. LOL.

Dances with Pole: I know what you are thinking. Why the f**k do you go to so many strip clubs? Why not. It's like changing the channel on an all Ti**y TV. Now...STFU and let me tell my story. So this girl is hot, sexy and...Native American. BOOM-BOOM-POW! Dances with pole. get it? C'mon that's clever. Besides, strippers don;t use their real names anyway so why not give them a cool one. She doesn't seem to mind it.

The Monster (with the Monster) : I know it sounds crazy but for no reason at all, some friends and I decided that this tall, hideous stripper looked like a monster. Other strippers, be it a result of their hating tendencies or simply their knowledge of the truth, informed us that they believed this stripper was not only aHeroin addict (verified) but that she also had La Sida (google it.) Therefore, she is not so affectionately known as the monster with the monster.

So there you have it: funny people have funny names. I don't feel like writing anymore cuz i'm on vacation.

Live, Love, Nicknames

Sho-Show (no homo)

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