And now...On to the meat (no homo) of the post (pause).
Me and my friends do some crazy, f**ked up shit. Funny thing is, we do these things on such a regular basis that to us it seems mundane, boring and run of the mill. Luckily for us, everyone doesn't live like this so we at least get the pleasure of feeling cool while recanting our often shameless and always hilarious acts. Certain acts, however, cross the line from just plain funny to outright rude, criminal or wrong. These top tier stories of seemingly despicable acts represent the best of the best displays of debauchery and frat boy-dom, and according to Showrock himself (3rd person reference)...these are the things that dreams are made of. LOL.
At the risk of people thinking I'm all about braggadocio, mysogony and self appreciation I am going to go this entire post without telling stories about myself. This will also help me earn some brownie points with all the ladies I've managed to seriously offend. Actually, these chickenheads will probably just hate me even more for allowing my friends to be bigger di*ks than me (no homo) without intervening. Ahh well, I don't care for those vagina monologues from hating A-cupped pizza faced heifers anyway....remember? I'm the Nappyheaded asshole (as some girl with a sucky blog once claimed).
Now, these things being said, the last time I gave you a list of reasons to hate Showrock, it was a response to a girl calling me a d**khead and telling me to eat a di*k. How rude! I mean I did put pics of her on the internet, but whatever....everyone needs to be exposed once in a while. It's healthy. This time, however, a girl who shall not be named said that I was an asshole because I hung with assholes (no anal). Anyone who reads my blog knows how I respond to accusations like this...with verifiying evidence which proves the point of the accuser! That's right, If you think I'm an ass because I hang with pricks, I will prove you right! My friends are Pricks (albeit funny ones), and here's why...
Showrock you're cool...but your friends can eat a d**k (Pt. 1):
5 reasons to Hate My Friends Even More (Take that Hoes!)
10. "Fight Night 2005"
During an extremely drunken night in a club (after which I ended up running a train on some girl) a friend, having not so good luck, ended up in a scuffle with a small petite female. Actually, the scuffle was started by her hideously fat friend, jealous of all the attention her attractive counterpart was receiving, who decided (on behalf of the whole group) that "THEY" were not interested. She then proceed to slap / scratch my freekishly big (no homo), football playing, short tempered friend, drawing blood. Next the attractive girl joined in yelling "can't you see I'm not interested creep!" Next thing you know my friend says something about f**king her up, to which I (not thinking at all) said "yea man, whatever." He proceeded to take a full swing at her face and somehow, I was miraculously able to catch his fist. I was so pissed I didn't talk to him for a few hours, but we nevertheless laughed the next morning after getting chased out the club by a mob of angry, drunken guys who were much bigger than us.
9. Hooking up a robbery
Once, while popping bottles and making it rain in V.I.P. (seriously, we were "those dudes" that night), we end up going home with two delicious looking milfs who said they were looking for some younger guys. After verifying that they weren't hookers (or at least that they weren't hookers unwilling to give freebees) we followed them to their hotel...I know... stupid and dangerous. Needless to say, the story ends with me waking up early and leaving, only to see my buddy 4 hours later, shoe-less and mad that I left him alone in a strange room. He was so mad, (or at least this was his excuse), that he decided to steal 400 from the girls purse on the way out! I had the girl's phone number and thought maybe we should give it back...yea right! We popped a bottle and made it rain in her honor. Add aggrevated robbery to the list of nonsencial crimes comitted in the name of debauchery. Shame on him.
I hate to say this by 90% of girls you meet off the Internet are whores. E-harmony = Lonely Whores. Myspace= Young Whores. Twitter= Technologically savvy whores. Facebook= whores you went to school with. Kidding...but you get the point. This being said, I was not surprised when a random girl showed up at a strange residence at around 10 Pm to bang my boy. I was surprised when I heard a car pulling out at 4:00 Am. I will spare the details but say that it is never OK to send a girl home at that hour of the night extremely drunk. Especially after you just skeet-skeet-skeeted and slimed her on some super sloppy Double Dare sh*t. D**k. This story is really more cruel than funny, but I had to write it just to post this pic. LOL.
7. Piss poor punch and cigarette butts
In order to save us all from being labeled as misogynists, I will talk about f**ked up sh*t my boys have done to each other. Yes it's kinda f**ked up, but I keep it 100 and true is true. During pledge a crazy drunk brother thought'd itd be funny to piss in the pledges' punch. The only actually funny thing is that the pledges found out before the end of pledge and retaliated by sticking every one of his cigarettes up their ass, and under their balls and co*k before sticking them back in the pack. Guess this gives new definition to the term "smoking pole." No homo.
6. Giving the Ms to Ms. MS
This one crosses the line from funny and gross to actually degenerate activity (which is still funny and gross.) A friend of mine, while at a party, began hitting on an extremely skinny girl towards the end of the night. She was not attractive. It was not until she stood up, however, that we realized that in addition to being actually anorexic or bulimic, she had MS!!! Yes ni**a, Multiple Sclerosis! Not to be an extreme di**k but in an effort to describe the extent of her handicap I will only say she walked like she was hula hooping and simultaneously doing a ballet pose. Needless to say we got a call the next morning which made everyone laugh.
Degenerate friend: Aiyo
Frat Boys: You did not...?
Degenerate friend: Maaaaaaaaaan, that sh*t was tight! All women need love. I gave her a MS (money Shot) and a fake number !
Frat Boys: You're going to hell and the devils gonna make you give him brain as punishment.
Insert more silence
Degenerate friend: Probably. F**k.
So there you have it. If you think I'm an ass than you can officially take solace in knowing that the age old adage "birds of a feather flock together" rings true. This I say because I KNOW my friends are jerks. What they say about me, however, is that I'm worse because I'm a jerk who thinks I actually am not. This is true, but sheeeeeeeit....we aren't talking about me right now.
Names and locations have been omitted to protect the not-so innocent. Stay tuned for part two if you weren't thoroughly offended, because it does get better! Also, don't forget we will be monitoring C4's Six Pack Progress (LOL. No homo) week by week. Sucker. Also, tell a friend to tell a friend about the blog as we are trying to get our numbers up and possibly secure a spot working with Hiphop Dx. Also, If you have big boobs send us a pic (no full nudity or faces please...make it sexy yet suitable for work) at Showrocka@gmail.com and we will give you a shirt. We love ti**ies.
Live, Love, The Life We Lead...
Show "me you ti**ies" Rock