Monday, July 27, 2009

"Showrock you're Cool, But Your Friends Can Eat A D**K (Pt. 2)"

Before I begin to guide you all down a slippery slope of ignorance I just want to say that I am posting this at the request of my faithful following, not merely because I revel in being a di**head or like putting my friends on blast. Trust me, this is really just the tip (no homo) of the iceberg, in terms of the type of debauchery, nonsencial displays of fratboy-dom and hogwash tomfoolery that usually goes on in the frat house.

Luckily, for the reputation of the University of Pennsylvania and the sake of common decency, we (well, at least most of us) were only in school for four years, though it seemed like an eternity. Nevertheless, 1,460 days gives you plenty of time to be a complete and utter di**head, as evinced by the fact that even now during my post college, adult life, some bi**hes still won't speak to me on account of some sh*t that happened in college. Bumpy faced slore-bag haters. Grow up and get over it before I tell your new fiancee that you slobbed more knobs than a quadriplegic trying to open a door. I know, I know...oh so wrong, but an adequate description with powerful imagery to match.

This being said, I hope you enjoy the post as I try my best to chronicle the sexually exploitative, morally reprehensible behavior of many years past, with pinpoint accuracy and an attention to detail. That's right baby...Showrock and C4. Nightlife Gurus, Blog Superstars and above average pricks. Painting vivd pictures in tattoo ink & skeet (no homo) since 2001. Enjoy.

"Showrock you're Cool, But Your Friends Can Eat A D**K (Pt. 2)"

Why is it that my friends are so awful and terrible, might you ask? Let's start with this one...

5. Bait & Switch:

Some people feel bad for prostitutes as they have reached a point int their lives where the have become so desolate, that their only means of self sustenance is selling a piece of their body that they can never get back. Being used and abused by creeps and degenerates, treated like a used sperm receptacle and subhuman being as a means to simply put food on the table, heroin in their veins or diapers on their little one is something, which I'm sure we can all agree, most people would consider the bane of our existence and potential catalyst for suicide.

Luckily, for the sake of hilarity itself, we are not most people and don't really entertain these sorts of "sob stories." As I happen to know (personally, not Biblically...that shit is too expensive) a lot of strippers (aka whores) I can tell you that about 85% of them are just Fu**in lazy. I think I remember one saying that "sucking guys off is better than work because you get to set your base salary and, depending on how hard you work, you get to increase your own hourly wage." Needless to say, this was a pretty intelligent hooker. The purpose of this mini introduction, however, is not to solicit sympathy or hurl hatred towards strippers, but rather to set up the following story.

When a friend, who shall not be named, was young and reckless, he and two of his buddies used to frequently pick of hookers in cabs. Not always having the means to rent out a swanky (or skanky hotel room) dark alleys and abandoned buildings often substituted for semi-clean, semen covered motel spreads.To make matters worse, but funnier, sometimes they boys would pick up hookers from jersey, take a cab to a remote location in NYC just across the bridge. When haggling price the fellas would ask the girl to step outside so they could discuss in private...Next thing you know all she's seeing is cab dust and hearing screeching tires as the boys left her high and dry, standing in the middle of nowhere. LMAO. And to think, the only burned rubber shes used to seeing is those chlamydia catchers her Johns like to refer to as condoms. I love my friends, but you probably hate them.

4. Money, Money, Money, Money...Mo--Naaaaaayy

In speaking about hookers and "dancers" I cannot forget to mention my good friend 'Mr. X' who went through a phase in which he only, and i mean ONLY, dated strippers. This got so bad that he was picking up stripper-babies from the baby sitters and once got a call from the hospital because a stripper he was fooling around with's stripper friend had listed him as an emergency contact. LMAO! While some may think that moonlighting as captain save a Ho is a valiant thing, we all know it is not.

Who can take you seriously when they met you while discussing the possibility of head for 50 bucks? More importantly, my boy's whole perception on women changed as a result of this experience as his final (Pre-intervention) statement was "It's so bad now that I don't even feel right meeting a random girl from a bar and banging her. Its like I feel like I'm stealing. As soon as I pop off, I just have to leave money on the dresser to make her feel like a slutbag. Is that wrong?" Yes, brotha, its extremely wrong...(C4: but not as wrong as when showrock said "you have to admit theres something cool about being able to buy a piece of someones body, something they can never get when Michael Jackson bought the Elephant Man's bones (no homo)." OK C4, you win this one. We are both horrible people.

3. I'd like that Comment stricken from record

Now I've heard some inappropriate comments, but none as bad as "I see your daughter blossoming into a fine young woman maam" and "hola mami, I'd love the chance to help your daughter start her quincianera off with a bang. Where's the party?"

Both were said to spanish women in Wal-mart and I hope to god they didn't speak English. The fact that no response was mad other than a confused face means that either they didn't understand, or they could not understand how someone could be so irresponsibly offensive in broad daylight to someone they'd never met. I'm hoping for the former.

2. Puff, Puff Pass

I am a firm believer of the mantra 'Nappyheadedbros before hoes.' More importantly, I believe in Man Codes (shouts to Rahz), Man laws and overall standards of fraternal decency. This being said, it is not OK to sleep with a frat brother or close friends girlfriend unless a.) its a threesome and he's involved (no homo), b.) you were sleep and she started sucking you off (at this point its too late and shes obviously a slore), or c. ) He is about to break up with her, she doesn't know it, and he says its OK.

For these reasons alone, I almost didn't laugh when I found out about this foul shit...key word, "almost." In finding out that a frat bro who was out of town, lent his room to another brother, I thought that this was pretty cool of him, allowing someone else a spot to crash after one of our wild parties. In finding out that the "guest " (who was a brother of the same chapter), got his boy's girlfriend drunk and pimped her to his out of town friends who all Chris Brown'ed her pu**y and Geico'ed her ass hole, my jaw dropped...literally (no homo). To this day brother #1 claims "it wasn't really his girlfriend" and brother # 2 has no comment about the aforementioned anal sex and gangbangs. Hahaha...I mean, LOL.

1. Payback's a bi*ch!!!

This one is a short but funny one. My boy who shall not be named had a roommate who everyone hated freshman year. Does he ask to be transferred? Does he have a verbal altercation or physical confrontation? No and No. This is the Ivy league son...we're waaaaaaay more clever than that. He decided that other than anal rape in Jail, there's no better way to prove a point and diminish someones man hood than by Skeeting (ejaculating) in his roommate's shampoo, milk and toothpaste. HAHA. F**king hilarious and gross.

I cant even imagine what his dental floss would've smelled like (no homo) or if he thought that he just had a lot of extra dandruff when it was actually flakes of dried up skeet in his hair! This however, is still not as bad as my boy Caveman's suggestion of putting Nair in the shampoo of a girl who did our friend wrong. Can you imagine? Thinning hair as a 23 year old female and not knowing the cause until the damage has been done? Hahaha. Ahhhhh college.

Well, there you have it...if there were ever a poster for "Assholes Anonymous," I'd have some nominees for the photo shoot. Hope you enjoyed and continue to enjoy the posts. Nappyheadedbros: champions of educated ignorance.

Live, Love, Friends (no homo)

Show R.


Anonymous said...

I have met this mr.x along my journeys of debouchary.... The way the story was rechanted to me was he was actually asked to baptize the baby which he had drove in his lap Brittany spears style... A true humanitarian.... May your guardian angel be watching your path where ever you are Godffather

Anonymous said...

Mt bad,he was asked to baptize the baby ...

Anonymous said...

Hehehe. They way I remember the story, Mr. X wanted to adopt the baby, but it's hard for people with "alternate Lifestyles" to adopt.

Show-Sho No Homo said...

I know exactly who both you anoynomus posters are! Stop tryin to alter my handy work...Mr. X was the designated babysitter! LMAO. Keep running off at the mouth and I'm gonna tell Mr. X to f**k you guys up, you roid raged pretty boys! Hahahaha

Anonymous said...

Mr. X sure knows how to pick them.

--Drunk in the Orient and Off to Get Drunker