Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Save your Relationship: Don't Ask Don't Tell

Aiyo, I can say that I am 100% sure ni**as and bi**hes alike are going to hate me for this post, but in the words of my boy Philadelphia Freeway, "they love it when I talk that sh*t!!!" Now I know a lot of your are even going as far as questioning the validity of relationship advice coming from someone like myself, and to you all I simply say "skkeeeeerrrrrrt (Jamie Foxx hand to the face)..Talk to the hand, cause the man don't understand. Yes, I F**king just brought it back to 1998.
Now that I have your undivided attention (like a strippers legs before she gets paid), I am going to tell you why you should listen to relationship advice from a self proclaimed misogynist and degenerate. If I am able to keep any Latina woman who READS THIS BLOG DAILY relatively happy (and by that I mean I haven't been stabbed yet), I must be doing something, I do not expect you all to live as I do, but I do expect you to at least shut the f**k up and let me disseminate my advice. Hey, don't click that computer window shut...I'ma learn yall something (Green Mile voice.)

First off, it's OK to call women bi**ches just so long as its used as a universal term for ALL women (don't single people out), it is not done so maliciously or disrespectfully, and so long as no woman hears you. Secondly, relationships are like institutions. Yes, that's right...I have broken down interpersonal interaction, feelings of love, care and companionship to their barest elements, and have discovered that combined, they are just like anything else, an institution to be managed.

This being said, I ask you all to ponder the question of what is the longest standing institution with which we Americans are familiar? Is it marriage? F**k no, don't you see the divorce rates ni**a. Is it organized religion? Hell to the Nah...even before priests were getting jiggy with fresh little alter boys, protestants and Catholics were beefing....not to mention all the other foul stuff going on in the church. I'm just saying...

What then, might you ask, is Showrocka talking about...?

The Army. The Army (or military) is the longest standing institution, simply because it is about taking care of business and achieving an end result, adhering to a strict "don't ask, don't tell" policy along the way. Church.

I now see eyes opening up as people are finally understanding the analogy. Regardless of whether your wifey is a head nurse (LMAO) or a drill Sargent, you must treat your relationship like an episode of M*A*S*H (do the young'ns even know what that is?)

In the end, loose lips sink ships. Tell your woman everything and your relationship is destined for failure. Here's why...

There are certain things which are just plain wrong in a relationship. I am not going to name these things because both women and men universally accept them as not permissible, fu**ed up and outright disrespectful. Other things, however fall into what we shall call grey areas. Grey areas represent those things which you know your woman may not approve of, but which you genuinely believe are OK to do. To fall in this category, an act or thing must be relatively safe, not interfere with your relationship, not involve the process of defrauding anyone and not house the possibility of bringing STDs back to wifey (sorry guys, safe sex still hasn't achieved grey area status and only multiple bottles of Grey Goose will allow you to convince yourself that head with a condom is a "Grey act.")
This being said, you're cheating anyway so you might as well skeet in her mouth. LOL.

At the risk of blowing up every male on earth's spot and compromising the don't ask don't tell policy, I will not offer specific examples of grey acts from my own experience. I will, however, make some up.

Fingering a stripper, getting a handjob while blackout drunk, meeting an Ex Gf for drinks, sharing a bed with another female (and not hooking up), getting numbers you don intend on calling from girls at the club. These are all relatively grey acts, and while MANY women may disagree, they cannot deny that no one will be harmed by them not knowing about the situation. As a matter of fact, if they found out, they'd be mad, so why tell them and risk having the badyear blimp fly over your house! You know as well as I do, women are like elephants...they don't forget sh*t and are illegal to hunt. LOL.

Now...Women. Don't think you gals are off the hook as you have your own grey areas. Going out with male friends, flirting with personal trainers, wearing sh*t to the club that's so tight it screams "I'm loose" (and single). Is that it? Going on vacations with girlfriends, letting herbed out guys buy you drinks and get you in V.I.P., texting your exes and setting up that "in the event of a break-up" booty call. Yall ain't sh*t. Just like us.
In the end, f**k yea we'd get mad if we found out about these things, but in reality, we really don't need to know about them (except the last one). We know who you come home to each night (hopefully) so there is essentially "no harm, no foul." Nothing "grey" is actually going to harm your relationship in the same way that hanging at a strip club is not going to make your man leave you, unless he's an absolute moron. Let's be honest, we are all human beings and human beings are going to engage in questionable behavior until the end of time. All we have to do is respect each other and mind our own fu*kin business!!!!

Stay out my phone and I'll stay outa yours. Keep throwin it at me like Mcnabb and ill keep Geico-ing that pu**y. Keep Washing the dishes and I'll keep cooking the food (or vice versa). Keep going to planned parenthood and I'll keep giving you the $250...KIDDING!!! Obama: "Showrocka, you stupid. I aint f*ckin with you...."

LOL. I know I talk reckless sometimes but this sh*t is the truth. Don't ask don't tell and your relationship will be good money. Just remember, It's harder to see your dirt in a grey area than on a white wall...and if your girl doesn't like that...FTB!!!!!

Live, Love, Viewing things however I want...Owwwwwwww


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