Wednesday, July 15, 2009

NBA Wank-starz

Before C4, the Blog Killer does his thing, I want to P-Diddy the Blog like I used to do back in the day....Take that, take that...Nah, I'm just kidding. I do want to let yall muthaf**kas and muthaf**kettes know that we are on Twitter now (no homo) so you should follow us and our ridiculous threads. Also, we don't really know how to work that sh*t so drop a comment with your twitter name so we can find you. Lastly, ladies...show us your twits. LOL. Aiiight. Church out.

-Show

NBA Wank-Starz (Nappyheaded Edition)

No! I'M the King! I'M the Chosen One. My back says so. You don't get to do that!!! Waaaaaaah!

Real. Talk. LeBron James has been exposed. He is what we in the hood call, "b****-made." Other accurate if not profane descriptions of this "man" are "immature," "spoiled," and "a sore loser."

"C4, what are you talking about? I'm a witness! I bought his shoes! LeBron is COOL!!! You just hating cuz he getting money, b****es, endorsements, mo money and MO b****es! And what you got?!"

Well, mindless groupie, I have my manhood. And LeBron James doesn't.

For those of you who don't know, last week during a pickup game at a summer basketball camp, LeBron James got dunked on by Xavier University college basketball player. Because "King" James was there, of course it was caught on camera. But shortly after the play LeBron calls over a Nike representative and whispers in his ear, and next thing you know ALL THE TAPES GET CONFISCATED.



Wooooooooow. Really, Bron-Bron? Was it that bad? Was dude's nuts all on your forehead? Did he dunk on you while pissing on a picture of ya mama? Did he make you hold his pocket while he hung from the rim? Cuz if none of the above things occurred, MAN THE F*** UP, HO! Jeeeez, pull ya skirt down, Bronny. You're LeBron F***in James. You dunk on everybody! At least 50% of the league and you've only played like five seasons. So what you got dunked on. You're still the best basketball player on the planet (unless the game is on the line then you give it to Kobe. Real talk.)

OK, so you got caught slippin. Even Hov has been caught slippin (Exhibit A: "Renegade," featuring Eminem). And to quote Hov on behalf of the Xavier kid, "Can I Live?!" Let the youngsta get some shine.

If LeBron was a G he would've let the tape leak, took it like a man, wait and hope for the kid to make it to the NBA, then embarrass him at every opportunity: if he's really that mad about it.

So no kids, you do not have a role model in LeBron James. In fact, you don't have role models anywhere in the NBA. Just ask the OG Charles Barkley.



For you see, boys and girls, no matter how much NBA players try to emulate rappers, be hard, thugged out, tatted up, "keepin' it real," they so often expose themselves as wankstas that we simply can't believe them anymore. Ever. Which is why....


C4 Presents: The First Annual NBA Wankstar Team

The starting 5, drumroll please.

Forward, LeBron James (see above)


OK, good. I think it's all gone.

Forward, Carmelo Anthony



This one hurts my feelings a lil bit, I ain't even gonna lie to you, fam. C4 comes to your door straight from West Baltimore, as does Melo. Melo has some of the highest street cred in the league. The dude was even in the original Stop Snitchin' tape, by accident. Just so happened to be kickin it in the hood while they were filming.

But I can't condone the actions that happened around the time of the above photo from a couple of years back. Melo got in a scuffle with some nobody scrub from the Knicks, ended up snuffing the dude, then RAN AWAY DOWN TO THE OTHER END OF THE COURT. Naaaah, son! That is not gangsta. That is very not gangsta. That is, a wanksta move. West B-more cats are the livest, ya dig?! We scrap, we don't run (unless somebody started reaching for the burner and you ain't got one). For shame, Melo. For shaaaaaaame.


Guard, Kobe Bryant

Speaking of snitching, we all remember when Kobe caught that rape beef (zing! get it? Kobe? beef? Yeah I know, "rape" really sucks the punchline out of it) in Colorado a few years back. What not everybody remembers is Kobe getting in the box and just DRY SNITCHING on Shaquille O'Neal, talking about "I should've just paid her like Shaq pays his women," just being RECKLESS.

Wanksta move.

Thankfully, in a G'd up moment, Shaq addresses the issue (albeit like four years later) in his now classic 2min freestyle with the chorus, "Kobe, Tell Me How My A$$ Taste," spitting these rhymes in public: I'm a horse. Kobe ratted me out, that's why I'm getting divorced. Tryna say Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don't do that, cuz my name Shaquille."

While he won't be getting a Source Award for that (although he might have, they have no dignity anymore), he does get the props for not being a wankstar like Kobe.

Kobe (6'6") also caught a crispy two-piece from Colonel Chris Childs (6'1") back in the day for trying to sucker-elbow the face of a guy almost a half foot shorter than himself. Instead, he got beat up by somebody a half foot shorter than himself. Wanksta.


You want a biscuit and some potato wedges with this two-piece?

Guard, Ron Artest
Center, Jermaine O'Neal


Hahaha, Pacers, n***a! We punch fans in the FACE!!!


These nut a$$ homeboys are paired together because they made this list together. Same night, same altercation, two very distinct Wankstar-Award-winning actions. A remarkable story really.
After their Indiana Pacers sustained a minor altercation with the Detroit Pistons, in Detroit, a fan threw a drink at Ron Artest.

Being the hood ninja that he is, Artest ran up into the stands to pay back the offending ticketholder with a knuckle sammich. Only he delivered the meal to the wrong fan! C'mone man. Stray bullets that hurt the innocent? Very not gangsta.


Nope. Wrong guy.

Shortly thereafter Jermaine O'Neal got into the action, I guess to defend his teammate, which at it's core is noble. And to be fair the Pistons fans that night were acting pretty shamefully as fans go, as they were now on the court and all-out brawl had ensued.

But Jermaine, you're 6'11". Do you really need to slide across the floor on your knees to steal on a fat guy already on the floor? Is that "defending yourself"? Is that for your "safety"? Or are you just a f***in wanksta? You can infer.
Some of you might be wondering, "why isn't Stephen Jackson on this list? He was a main part of it. That n***a went to court with them for that mess." Because Stephen Jackson is the gulliest man in the NBA, and he'll really stab you. Yes, that's a whole other series. Look out for it. Until then....

To Ya Door, Once More, I Know You Score But You Act Like A Whore,

C4


Live, Love, NBA Basketballs (no homo) and anything Shaped like them....

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