Friday, July 17, 2009

The Most Important Man in the Hood

I always read the posts first and as this is a banger' I ain't even gonna steal C4's Shine.

I will say this though...TWITTER US B**TCHES!!!! We made it easy, just click the link to the left. It looks embarrassing for only 10 people to be following us...we know we're funnier (no homo) than that! Also, If I don't see this "who's following the blog" get past 21 in the next week I'ma start boycotting and taking days off. We go hard ni**as (no homo).

This is a full time, unpaid Job! Aight, enough bi**hing. Here's an incentive. Of the 5 next people to follow the blog, one will randomly receive a free nappyheaded polo shirt. That's a 1/5 chance! Leave a comment so we can verify the newly joined. See, we look out for yall. All these things being said, I'ma let C4 bless yall with a gem. The barbershop has no bi**ches (other than ones with Cesar's or bald heads) and therefore I'm not interested, no matter how big these bald headed hoes ti**ies are. No offense, but this is C4 territory.


"Are you sho', Show?"

C4 to ya Door cooking up some marvelous sh*t

The world continues to shrink, and as it does, there is one extremely important facet of our lives that must adapt quickly and seamlessly if the earth is to continue rotating in some semblance of harmony. No, this is no environmental speech about global warming, efficient energy and all that other hippy nonsense. This is about the most important man in the hood. Wherever your hood may be, however your hood is constructed.

That's right y'all: The Barber.

See C4 the Blog Killah types to you from the biggest melting pot in the nation of melting pots, New York City. Upon my return to the Gran Manzana (learn ya Spanish) after a two-year hiatus I switched it up from my previous home and hood in Washington Heights (Uptown baby! 1-6-5 stand up!) to my present home in Fort Greene, Brooklyn. During that time I had a variety of haircut experiences, what with moving to a new city, new neighborhood within the city and all that.

And man, it's hard to find the right barber, particularly if your hair is ambiguously ethnic. To quote the ancient Vietnamese philosopher Lee Van Pham, "Globalization is coming at n***as' scalps!!!" He's actually half-black, in his 20's, and he said that a couple weeks ago.

Yes, my ninja. It's coming for you.

Like me for example, my hair is generally nappy enough to be considered black, and the black barber is my go-to guy. But I do have enough Lebanese heritage that there are certain places on my scalp that are treacherous for the average barber to traverse, and ninjas be f***in up my taper behind that from time to time, and on some occasions, even my hairline. We don't go to those dudes no more.

A lot of cats out there gotta find out the hard way, you can't just roll up into any old shop with a spinning candy cane outside and think somebody's gonna hook you up. Let me be an example to y'all, based on my barbershop experiences over the last, let's say 4-8 years, during which I've done more moving than Osama Bin Laden through Afghani caves.

C4's Lessons On Barbershop Etiquette

1. When moving to a new city/neighborhood, do NOT simply walk into the first barbershop you see.

This should be common sense, for a lot of reasons. Number one is, let's face it: Segregation is cool when it comes to barbers. Cuz no brother in his right mind is going to walk into the barbershop in the 42nd St. subway advertising $5 cuts once they notice all the barbers look like Sopranos. And this is not a solely racial thing, it's also cultural.

Your favorite Blog Killah believed his own light-skinned hype for a sec and thought he'd be alright in the Dominican barbershops in Washington Heights, cuz real talk, all the barbershops in the Heights are Dominican, and that's where he lived (and completed a run-on sentence referring to himself in the third person). I should've seen the writing on the wall while having to practice the phrase, "Solamente un 'shape-up,' y por favor ten cuidado con la linea" as the only thing I would say on the premises, but no. I figured, "sheeeitt, everybody around here thinks I'm Dominican anyway, and half these cats are darker than me." Negro please. At least that's what my hair said to me every time Dominican Vic kept combing my hair to the back like I was the dorky dude on Girlfriends (pause). After several attempts, we had to sever ties on 1-6-2.

To keep you from getting caught up like me, here are some corollaries:

a. If you're kinda mixed but you can get waves and grow an afro, just get your hair cut by black guys. If special instructions are required, voice them, be clear about them, and make sure you and the barber are on the same page before he proceeds to f*** yo head up.

b. If your hair is wavy or bordering on straight, let Latinos handle yo $h!t because they see all the in-between kinda hair, and they also believe in shape-ups.

c. If you're white, I don't know what to tell you. This site is called Nappy-Headed Bros. DUH. Except get your shape-up done (if you want one) by Latinos and enlightened brothers (i.e. ones who won't clown your pasty ass for walking into the shop in the first place. Unless you're a G like my man Benny-Ru)

2. If such a person is available, ask a friend you trust, whose haircut game is legit, where to go and who to ask for.

Please, please, please. If your only boy in town has Terrence Howard hair, you should find somebody else to talk to. I mean you can go as far as just rolling up on any brother with the tightest shape-up where he goes to get his hair cut. And try not to be gay about it, like "Ooh your hair looks great, where do you get that done?" Even if you are gay, cuz that guy might steal on you, and no matter your orientation no one likes getting punched in the face.

You know it's hard out here for a piiiimp.....when your hair game is a hot mess

After severing ties with Heights barbers I decided to ask my man Killah P where he gets his cut, cuz his shape-up stays fresh. He tells me about his Harlem barber on 127th and Freddy Doug . Of course when I go for the first time dude ain't there, so I decide to wait on the most popular barber, whose name so happens to be on the sign outside.

Harlem? Owner of the shop? Everybody getting cuts from him? Can't lose right? WRONG!!!! Which brings me to my next point.

3. F*** an unprofessional barber. C'mon man. Your job is too important. N***as got $h!t to do, we ain't got time to waste all day in the barber shop like back in the day. It's 2009, age of the iPhone ya dig?! Cats gotta make moves! This fool ass barber on multiple occasions had me waiting for HOURS, even when I called ahead of time to schedule an appointment (which was every single time). This is just poor customer service friends. BOOOOOOOO this man! I'm talking to YOU, Master John of Harlem. Yeah I blew you up on the internet. What? Got a problem? Give me a free haircut. I had to walk out on son for that reason, and a number of others.

On the flip side, when I moved to BK, I asked Jmel the R&B Sensation where he gets his hair cut, him being the pickiest El Debarge-looking pretty boy (pause) to ever sit in a barber's chair. I knew if a barber was good enough to keep this dude happy he'd hook me up. He put me in touch with the OG Adrian down at Levels in Fort Greene. I been fresh to death since, styling on you and all your friends wherever I go. What can I say? I'm cooler than you. Yes, you specifically.

The work of a champ

4. Always build a rapport with you barber, from the first sit-down, so he remembers you and has a vested interest in keeping you looking good. Even our illustrious President Barack Hussein Obama had his barber with him on election night, two hours before victory was announced, lining him up to make history. Yes We Did!!! So listen. If it's been like two years at the same shop and dude never remembers you when you sit in the chair, two things are wrong:

$21 cut. Eat that, John Edwards.

a. You don't visit the shop frequently enough, meaning you probably walk around looking like a slave most days. This doesn't necessarily apply to everyone, cuz we all have a boy who is nice with the clippers (Shid, J-Velez, Mel, I see yall) to help us get through this recession without having to leave the house looking like Lavar Burton. But otherwise, stop it. You're fooling no one.

b. You probably never bothered to strike up a conversation with the most important man in the hood. He keeps you looking good, so you can get jobs, attract women, generally appear presentable, and feel more confident in yourself. You at least owe this man an interesting topic of discussion. He's on his feet all day you ungrateful bastard.

5. ALWAYS TIP YOUR BARBER. Unless he f****d yo head up. Then the lack of tip is to send a message. Otherwise, take care of your barber, and your barber will take care of you.

Once More 2 Ya Door, Lined Up 4Sure,


Show-Sho No Homo said...

But what about Ni**as with Dreds C4? Are we allowed to just walk into any random African hairbraiding shop unless they say "Fu*k this. I can't get jiggy with this sh*t." Also, you forgot the # 1 way to tell a barber is about to butcher you "do." If he starts with "yo, your last barber pushed you hairline way back so..." Pay attention people. This is REAL LIFE SH*T!

Carl said...

Yeah qualifying statements are a tell-tale sign of impending tragedy