Thursday, July 16, 2009

Miss Mulatto (Pt. 2)

Aiyo C4, turn me up in the headphones...Matter of fact, put some T-Pain on my Sh*t. I wanna Auto tune this introduction for no apparent reason. Ahhhem. Ok, I'm goin in...

Oh oh ooooooooooh... Eeeeeeether Blog.....Shawt--Ay--eee...Yeaaa, yea yeaaaaaaaa.

Ok. Now that I've gotten the crooning out my system, It's time to let the cooning continue. Just kidding. I know a lot of people hate that word and I try to only use it when rappers, actors and athletes with too much money do things that will set the entire race back a few hundred years. I hear some of you haters whispering and giggling in the back like teenage girls at la casa Kelly, saying "damn, he's always relating sh*t to race." Well hello? Why the f**k do you think they call me Mr. Mulatto? It damn sure aint because I'm light skinneded [sic] or because my mom dukes was a white woman. I'm the cross cultural bridge son. I should get a f**kin NAACP award. Holla at me Jesse Jackson!!

Now that housekeeping has been taking care of ,(like a dirty latin reference), I guess it'd be only fitting that I bestow upon you a gem of mulatto knowledge. Yes ni**as and ni**ettes (if you are white replace the N's with W's), I am here to deliver the long awaited sequel to the Miss Mulatto Jawn...and yes, I just said Jawn. Shouts to my people in philly.

And now, for your intellectual stimulation and viewing pleasure...

Showrock & C4 Present: Miss Mulatto (pt. 2)

Things Black Women like that White Women Should Try

5. Lotion

You go outside and get nice and tanned, never forgetting that all essential sun-block to guard against those cancerous sun rays. You never forget to apply the appropriate amount of moisturizer and conditioner when washing your ratty mane. interesting.

Being the astute individual that I am, I can infer from these two practices alone that you (and by you i mean white women) understand the overall idea of hydrating moisturization and the idea of using a lotion or salve to soothe the effects of those harsh environmental elements taking their toll on your skin. This being said, WHY DON"T YOU USE REGULAR LOTION ON A DAILY BASIS?!! Just because you cannot see your skin cracking and have no idea about the concept of ash (a colloquial term for dry skin which makes its hosts epidermis appear gray) does not mean we want to touch your hard, brittle, Joan Rivers-leatherfaced skin, OK? Hydrate, Moisturize, Do something! FYI: Using Dove or Oil Of Olay helps, but is not a substitute. Get a clue hoes.

4. Drying your Hair

Yall bi**hes are gonna get sick coming out the house in wintertime with wet hair. I understand based on some genealogical bullsh*t white people do not get as cold as quickly, and hence do outlandish things like rock shorts in the winter, but this is past foolish. Haven't you heard of pneumonia? Also, and I swear I'm not racist (lol...I should not have used that line, as all racist's say this) but when a white woman's hair gets wet it either smells like Herbal Essences (yum) or a wet dog (roof). True story.

It's not like you don't have every hairdryer in the world tailored to your stringy hair, (trust me...I'm broken plenty of Blow dryer combs trying to pick a fro' it obviously wasn't meant for). I am sure this fact alone pisses off black women, (I think...I don't really know any...LOL). This is akin to not being able to buy any dress shirts in your size because they are all 4XL, and then seeing extremely obese people saying "nah, I don't want to buy a shirt fam...I'll go topless." Well, it's kinda like that, only less gross. Also, a giant wet stain on the back of your shirt (or my Gucci headrest covers) is not sexy. Dry your hair nenas.

3. Arbor Mist

First off let me say that yes I have tried this stuff and no I do not drink it regularly. Come on son. I'm a grown ass man (Not grown enough to switch from keg stands to actual wine, but too grown for this sh*t.) Nevertheless, bi**hes like it. This being said, unless you are a Jager or Bud lite hoe (in which case I love you), learn to drink cheaper wine.

We are tired of bringing you out to the club, or Half price Sushi Happy hour only to find out that your glass of Sex and the City Pinot Grigio cost the same amount as all of our food combined. DRINK CHEAP WINE! It's not like its Boones Farm or Ripple. As a matter of fact, you probably like Arbour Mist and may even switch over for good! Nah, I doubt that will happen, but you will enjoy the thrill of living dangerously on the edge of cheap wine-dom and be excited to tell you're friends you've tried something 'Urban' (other than your colleague Tyrone.) LOL.

2. Keeping your Pets out of the Kitchen and Bedroom

This sh*t is nasty and self explanatory. If I wanted cat in my food I would eat Chinese. If I wanted dogs in my bed (not b**ches, but dogs), I would be dating Tiny or some other pitbull faced broad. Dog hairs in food are gross, dog hairs on condom are a matter of fact I swear to God it I ever see pet hair on my junk, I'm shoving it so far back inside of you that you'll end up with a whole litter of puppies. Aside from being gross, this sh*t is also creepy. Fu*k you horny little voyeur Dog hating on my pu**y getting abilities and copulatory skills...looking at me as if to say "that's all you got son? roof-roof." F**k dogs. Keep em' outside.

1. Asking for Child support

Here's a word you need to get out of your vocabulary...Pride. Yall bi**hes have no problem getting alimony, (which I think is some complete bullsh*t), yet you act as though you are too good for public assistance and child support...some of you. Well, here are some words of wisdom... don't look at it as a handout. It is not free money. You are raising a child that someone else helped bring into this world and thus, should help support. Sheeiiiit, it's not your fault he has 3 other kids...well, actually it kinda is. You could've asked before sleeping with him. LOL. nevertheless, take his ass to court.

Now I have a theory as to why a lot of white women are against this sort of thing. Some are merely fools tricked into thinking that this will hurt their chances of ever getting back with the Baby's father (I will not say baby daddy...its too ghetto). Wrong line of thinking ladies...If he's gonna stray, he's gonna stray, and if you're contemplating child support, the ni**ga most likely already has strayed. I's the theory: A lot of white women have black baby's fathers and white parents who hate this. these parents will help the abandoned teen and encourage her to sever all ties with this 'deadbeat', even foregoing child support as a means to get this negro far, far away.

In the end this baby's father has done nothing but enforce the parents' preconceived stereotype anyway, so why not banish him from contact with his child all while giving your daughter the proverbial "I told you so." It sounds f**ked up, but this is the truth. The unfortunate, and funny thing is that your daughter may have not rebelled against clean cut, college educated black dudes in favor of the thuggiest [sic] of thugs, had you not disseminated your stereotypical views of 'thugs' unintentionally glamorizing them in her eyes. I could be wrong, however, and your daughter could just be a whore. Whatever. Get the child support guap (money) shawty, or don't complain about needing milk.

Newspapers, Nuns & Michael Jackson

Mr. Mulatto

1 comment:

MW said...

Is Arbo[u]r Mist (and I understand your vacillation between the American and Commonwealth spellings) actually "urban"? I would venture to say this is more or less working class "wine", as my very white and often uncouth relatives have been known to pound a few of these. ...I don't come from a family of trained oenologists. As much loathing I have for "winies" (i.e., not winos), I don't think I'd ever bring a bottle of A.M. to a B.Y.O.B.

As far as the pets in the bedroom thing, this is perhaps a more panracial problem than you may know. Here's the basic deal:

If your intent is to fuck, don't let your mangy curs run wild upon, bark at, bite, lick and/or leap up on your intended fuck-target. It's a real turn-off, and there's only so much polite petting and (pet) slobber removing you can do before you lose interest and go wank off instead.

P.S. First Show-post without a parenthetical "no homo". Time for a new catchphrase?