Monday, July 20, 2009

Just Because.

B**tch. Whore. C*nt. Ni**er. Pu**y.


These are words that most people would agree can, if used improperly, get you a major ass whoopin in nearly any city across America. Another severely underestimated yet powerful word, however, is responsible for far more molly woppings and curb stompings than these five expletives combined. What word is this, might you ask? The word because. Yes ni**a, because. Why? Because I said so. JK.


In all honesty, the word 'Because', at first glance, seems harmless and dull. Funny thing is, that's what white America said about those Columbine kids who completely f**ked up Errrrrrrrybody. Don't sleep on the sleepers b. Like that silent but deadly anal leakage that can clear out a room at the faintest whiff, seemingly boring words can get you in a whole heap of trou-ble...trooo-bbble (Berny Mac voice.) Take for instance the California vernacular, where using the letter "B" can get you murked (killed) in nearly any crip neighborhood, or calling someone "cuz" in bloods territory will get a mud hole stomped in that ass. Clever wordplay, yes, but this whole "because thing is much bigger than that.



Because is the most frequent justificatory word used to explain why a ni**a did some sh*t he knew he had no business doing (I'm looking at you R-Kelly.) To put it in simpler (hood) terms, using the word because is like saying "what had happened was..." or in white terms, saying "you see dude, it's like this..." The person on the end knows to break out the shovel BECAUSE the bullsh*t fest is about to begin.

I can think of many instances in my own, and my friends lives which verify my point and which make funny stories. As you all seem to like my rodomantade and crazy chronicled antics, I am proud to present to you...

Three instances not to use this word BECAUSE it will get you in deep shit.



3. No one will find out because...


If you are making this statement to someone you are a f**king idiot. The fact that you are telling them "no one will find out" already implies that you have told at least one person...hello...you are talking to him. In my eyes, telling even one person a deep, dark secret is one too many. Take a look at CSI, NCIS or Law & Order. 90% of people who get convicted of crimes do so because someone snitched on them or they snitched on themselves.



In relating this to females...you are past the realm of idiot-dom and have moved into fecal larva encrusted ass clown territory if you think that a girl is not going to tell at least one of her friends, or family members, that you slurped down that pu**y like a Dan-Active yogurt. Not only will someone find out...a whole lot of 'someones' will find out! Yeah, I know that's not proper grammar. F**k you. This ain't school house rock.


2. Its not gay because...



Using the phrase no homo, while mildly offensive to fudge packers...I'm just kidding, let me start over. Using the phrase no homo, while mildly offensive, is extremely hilarious. Actually trying to justify some gay sh*t is not. Not at all. No homo.

Examples of this include that night that you got drunk on New Years Eve, saw an extremely tall girl fall on the ground and picked her up like any gentleman would. She rewards you with a dance and you find out its a tranny (SHUT THE F**K UP POOK, SCOOCH AND SAMMY). Saying no homo isn't gonna cut it here...in the words of that cop from Menace II Society, "you know you done f**ked up right?" Saying "It's not gay because..." , however, is the WORST THING YOU CAN DO. Committing the sin of saying this may actually mean that you actually do harbour sexual desires for other men. Maybe Birdman Kissing Weezy turned you on. Have you ever bought a Maxwell CD just for the cover art? I'm just askin...

The moral of the story here is take your L (loss) like a man and say, " fellas...I understand I have crossed the boundaries of what is permissible and an obligatory no-homo cannot negate the gay nature of the offense. I do however request a pardon or plea bargain whereby I admit it was gay, but that I didn't like it." Most Christian (or Muslim) males would accept that and move on with the nights events. Ni**as will still clown you, but they won't actually question your sexuality.


1. She's Old Enough because...



For those of you who aren't up on the Nappyheaded slang, the phrase "she can get it" means that you wouldn't mind getting to know said female in the biblical sense. LOL. Now I have said some f**ked up things before in determining whether or not a particular female was old enough to get it, all of which I recant in my old age...mostly.


Proclaiming "she's old enough because she smokes," "she's old enough because she has a tattoo" or "She's old enough because she has a baby" is not OK, despite the fact that I've said all of those lines at least once. But why is this not OK Show, they ask? It's funny you should ask that PERVERT (C4 said that...so hopefully yall won't have to go thru that). Well, you see, these statements set you on course for a slippery slope where soon you'll be saying things like, she's old enough because she has her ears pierced, or shes old enough because she has a learners permit. Fellas, fellas...please. Stick to the chickenheads and leave the chickedees alone. There's plenty of post puberty pum pum to go around. True story.


Heed my advice and beware the ills of the word which shall not be spoken, and remember...my aim is not to hate, but rather to educate. I do it for the classrooms...I do it for the hoods...I do it BECAUSE i love yall (no homo.)


Live, Love, Me-you-your titi and your 'Cuz'in too....


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