Tuesday, July 14, 2009

How to Cook Crack

Good morning Delectable D-Cup Darlings, Curvaceous C-Cup Cuties, flat chested hoes and Internet thugs. What's popping?

I have already resigned myself to the fact that based on the title of today's post alone, many of you will hate me, and the rest will love me. There will be no indifference. This being said, I would like to tell all those who are prepping themselves for hatred to suck a d**k , and all those who love me to get off my d**k. Just kidding.

During the course of today's post, I am going to truly and absolutely keep it 100 in true Showrock fashion. I will be insightful, offensive and socially irresponsible all in the same post, and yes ni**as...I will tell you how to cook crack.

Despite the fact that I usually don't give two T.I.'s (aka rat's) asses about the social repercussions of what I say in this blog, I have to be at least somewhat conscious of the fact that not everyone sees the inherent tongue and cheek nature of my writing, and I would not by any means want my viewers out there cooking crack...unless it's profitable. Kidding. For this reason alone, I feel it would be socially irresponsible to tell you that by adding 7 grams of powder for every 1 gram of Baking soda, mixing with water in a mason jar, boiling on a stove and quickly transferring the entire jar into a cold water or ice bath , you could in fact be on your way to becoming a certified D-Boy. I'm not that irresponsible...I left a few steps out and didn't tell you how much water. Nevertheless, I want no one to dispute the fact that I indeed know the recipe for crack and have known it since I was about 9 or ten years old.

For those of you saying "damn, Show had a f**ked up childhood" or questioning whether or not I was raised by dealers and crackheads, I say nope...I was raised by MTV, Hot 97 and Martin, just like everyone else. So how is it that you learned such a wide array of street pharmaceutical knowledge, might you ask? By listening to rap music.

Yes, that's right, simply by listening to rap music I knew what type of scale to buy (triple beam), what proportions to mix, and what color my product should come out. Let me reiterate that before I knew how to put on a condom, I knew how to f**king cook crack.

I actually feel kinda bad saying this as I was a child who was read to by my parent (notice the lack of 'S") and whom most would consider a bright student. If even I could succumb to the ills of radio and television (shouts to Menace II Society for giving us the visual), then other children who were in fact out in the streets, would ultimately be doomed. I am fully aware that I am painting a pretty dark picture for those of you who have never imagined such things, but I urge you all to ask any black male friend, (don't worry, you can tell him I requested it), to tell you the basic recipe for making crack. He will know...I promise.

OK, you may be saying, So what? Black males know how to cook crack and have learned it from that wretched Hip Hop, what's the big deal? Funny you should say that, you cum covered turd for brains idiot (Shout out to C4 for letting me steal his catchphrase.) If the brains of young urban men are so malleable, or their need for a male role model so desperate that they will latch onto "rappers" pretending to live the lives of "stereotypical" hood ni**as and drug lords, any person in a position to reach them should disseminate something IMPORTANT! Now I'm not hating...if you want to get in the drug game I urge you to pick up a Gucci Mayne, Master P, Clipse or Cam'ron CD (Cam will explain the politics of supply, demand , distribution and 'getting it in Ohio). If you plan on doing something else, however, I urge you to listen to something else until rappers begin to accept social responsibility. Yea I know it sounds corny, especially coming from a man with a mouth so foul I spit feathers ( ah hhhaaaaa --Jadakiss Voice), but in the end it's the fu**in truth. We need rap to be like a hood n**a School house rock, only telling us about the everyday "Man Sh*t" we never learned from our absentee fathers. Church. Examples to follow:

So you wanna be as Fly as I?/

Whether Club or an Interview, you gotta learn to tie a tie/

And you should wear it to your 9 to five/

Hang it round your neck like its a Jesus piece, the big over the skinny side/

Then wrap it twice, like a blunt you split, then licked and dried/

left to right, then you pull from under over, just to hide/

the first knot, then you lift the hanging tie and slide/

it right through the hole, I'm sure its tighter than a virgin bride !

Screeeeeeeeeech. Feedback as Showrocka drops Mic on floor. Exit stage left.

Live, Love, Feeding your brain (no homo)

Showrocka the Blog Monsta

P.S. I don't ask for much but I do ask that you boycott any Gas station or convenience store that sells what they refer to as a "Love Rose." For those of you white people and suburban blacks who have no idea what this is, look below.

While you probably have seen these and said aww, how cute, there's actually nothing cute about them. Their primary use is that of a quick pre-made crack pipe. Seriously. Have you ever seen anyone give someone a rose the size of your pinky finger? No. They serve one purpose and one purpose only. The genocide of a certain race of people who unfortunately cannot break the chains of misfortune doled to them via the middle passage. If I see one in my hood I'm f**king the convenience store clerk up. True story.

P.P.S Isn't she (Sheyla Hershey) Lovely? Insert Stevie Wonder Song. Random Owwww Owwwwwwwwww. She is so Wavy.


Anonymous said...

Better than usual blog! I'd give my left nut to make a fortune off some fiends in a legit manner. Love Roses are pure genius. Micky Dees, Newport, and Hennessey are responsible for far more deaths in this country. Lets weed out the degenerants of our society. Fuck them as long as the gates that surround my property are high enough to keep them out. The less time they are on this planets means less chance they have to reproduce. Too many humans on this planet and it's only a matter of time before the earth reaches its limits. We have a whole hip hop generation that knows how to cook crack and the larger plan has been put into action. Die mother fuckers die!!!

Anonymous said...

Pretty ignorant comment for someone who can read. Ah well, to each his own. Keep those gates high.

Rock said...

The anonymity of the internet at its best.

Carl said...

Yeah. To bad that person can't spell "degenerate," and doesn't know that "this" must precede the singular "planet."

Ah well...

MW said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MW said...

Way to go, Carl!

As an ex-English major (or, English ex-major?) I find that undermining a person's orthography and grammar is really the best way to nullify any point they have tried to make in writing.

A sound strategy.

P.S. I bet that the first poster (Anonymous [#1]) is a filthy fucking Eskimo. Those people don't know when to keep their mouths shut! Such "degenerants" really have been a cancer on these many planets for far too long.

(Sarcasm, of course.)


It's a damn shame that positive, informative messages are looked upon as corny. How many more rap songs of unabridged braggadocio glamorizing the cult of mammon does this country really need?

P.S. Great lyrics, but the whole weed reference sort of undermines the inherent "straighten up and get a job" message.

P.P.S. Extra points for knowing how to postscribe a postcript with the proper abbrev.! Lesser men would have done... less? *ahem*