Wednesday, July 8, 2009

1, 2, 3 and to the... CUT! Part Deux

Step into the baaad siiiiiiiide!!!

That's right Nappyheaded Bredren and Sistren. The discussion about rappers in movies continues this week on the B-L-O-G, and this time ain't gonna be pretty. I basically ran out of nice things to say about MCs who drop the cordless mic in favor somebody standing over them with a boom, because quite frankly there just weren't enough people to say nice things about.

"Why you hatin' just cuz a n***a out there, gettin' money, doin' his thang, stylin' on y'all broke n***as? Why you HATIN, son? You a wanksta!!! Don't be mad cuz yo swag ain't get you no deal!"

Funny you should mention that, dickrider. C4 The Nappyheaded Actor would like to restate that I really ain't trippin' if you got a great agent and ended up with a killer role, honestly (talking to you Common). But if you're going to take a part away from some young black actor who doesn't have a platinum record as safety income, then you better be damn good to justify it, instead of failing, making it look like there are no black actors out there, and perpetuating a stereotype that adult black males can't read (I'm talking to YOU, Ja Rule!!!)

So today it's Ether time for all these pretenders living off their rap fame and sucking the life out of movies that may or may not have been better without them. But first, the least of these evils.

He's alright, but he's not real.

The following guys aren't really "evils" per se. They have given us OK work in various movies and such, they didn't embarrass themselves, they might have had some bright moments, but somebody else could have probably done it better. Basically, for people who didn't know they were famous, they were serviceable presences on screen, not really wowing anyone though.

LL Cool J -Let me count the roles. Too many to list. Any Given Sunday, Halloween, Deliver Us From Eva, the TV show In The House (with fine ass Maia Campbell, mmmm! Sidenote: that show got a LOT better when they ditched the annoying kid and his mom in favor of Carlton Banks and Kim Wayans). He Wins The Lifetime Mediocrity Award. Never hurt his career on screen (except when he recorded "Deepest Bluest" for the "Deep Blue Sea" soundtrack. yeesh.), never really helped it either.

Eminem - Remember when white America jumped all on his dick (no homo) for 8 Mile? "It's so real, and gritty, and he tells the story so honestly." Yeah, cuz he just got paid to reenact his actual life. Where's the skill in that? Womp womp. I understand the perks white privilege in America but I draw the line at rap movies dammit. And Mekhi Phifer was terrible as Proof (RIP). That needed to be said.
Look familiar?

Snoop Dogg - He's given us funny, sometimes very honest performances in various movies. I especially dug his wheelchair-bound drug dealer in Training Day (more on this movie in a moment), but he also made "gems" like Bones. Yikes. Remember when the n***a was a vampire? Didn't Eddie Murphy already disprove the profitability of black vampires after the '70s? Ugh. What was actually scary was how skinny he looked in that baggy wifebeater he was rocking in Baby Boy. You'd think with the munchies all the time Snoop would gain weight.

No, Tyrese, you don't get a mention. Cuz you don't rap!!!


T.I. - The only reason you made it this far up the list, buddy, is because a good amount of people liked ATL. That's it. "I wanna be like you, Uncle Frank." No you don't. Cuz if you wanted to be like Denzel Washington when you were both in American Gangster, you should've taken some classes. It was disgusting. And so was...

RZA - Hey, continuity guy. The movie was set in the '70s. Why can you see his Wu-Tang emblem tattoo?

Common - Whatever.

Andre 3000 - Eh. I guess the cartoon for the kids is noble. Need to stay up out that Badu p***y (look for that post!)

Ice-T - Is he even eligible for this list? He ain't rapped in like 15-20 years! He's been zombie-ing around SVU longer than I care to remember, and he said maybe the most questionable movie line EVER in New Jack City, when he pointed a gun at Wesley Snipes and said, shaking and whispering mind you, "I wanna shoot you so bad, my dick is hard!" Pause. I don't care if you're pimp or a cop-killer.

Yup. Exactly when he said it. Mid-sentence.

Assholes Who Should Never Be On Screen Again

This section is so big I had to split it into groups for Chrissakes. Heeeeeere, we go!

Dr. Dre - "Church, mosque, tabernac, Dr. Dre, Training Day, rappers don't know how to act. Remove 'em all from my site like a cataract, POOF! It's a magic act." - Brother Ali. Case closed.

What do 50 Cent, the Game and Ja Rule have in common, other than the fact that they can't stand each other? COMBINED, THEY COULDN'T ACT THEIR WAY OUT OF A WET PAPER BAG!

50 Cent- Are you serious? With De Niro and Pacino? Righteous Kill sucked regardless of 50, but he wasn't doing anybody any favors. First off, n***a can't talk right cuz he got shot in the mouth. Major setback number one, which can be masked when rapping, but not when talking, trying to play a character. And Eminem did get that extra half a mask because he at least pulled off playing himself in a movie, unlike 50 Cent in Get Rich Or Die Tryin'. The movie, not the album.

Getting together, making a, "We Are The World" movie.

The Game - I can't stand this loser anyway, always stroking off Dr. Dre on record (pause), and will jump on anybody's nuts who does a song with him. You'd think such an emotional n***a always catching feelings would translate those "skills" on camera. But then he goes and plays somebody named Big Meat in Waist Deep. Tattoo "pause" on the side of your face under where that butterfly was that you covered up, ya shmuck.

Ja Rule - Remember when Fast & Furious came out and all the commercials were marketing it as Ja Rule's movie? Then he appeared in one scene. A scene in which he was so bad that they made sure the camera was not on him while he spoke. We should have seen the end coming then.

"Nope, can't find my career either. Uh, want some crack?"

The Entire Cast of the State Property Movies -

Whew, oh man. Oh man. Wow. Where to begin. Let's see. This movie, like 25 minutes in, managed to go straight past being unintentionally funny to unintentionally hilarious, then by the end was just so, so, so so sad. "You gon' get down or you gon' lay down!" Beanie Siegel need not ever READ again, much less read a script. Nevermind they named everybody slight variations of their actual stage names, like Blizz for Memphis Bleek. Dame Dash and Jay-Z were also outstandingly bad. It's actually funny for 45 minutes, after which it just becomes painful. Figgadealme!

"What about Belly n***a? I know you can't hate on Belly, that s*** was classic my n***a. Hype Williams directing too? Classic son!"

Yes. Classicly HORRENDOUS! We will never advance as a people so long as people really believe this was a good movie. It was shot like a really long rap video (wonder why, Hype), and everybody other than Method Man was terrible. And the Jamaican dude at the end in the Scarface knock-off scene. He was funny. And he was in Shottas (different category).

DMX- Grrrrr. That's how I feel when I watch this crackhead.

Nas - The f****in WORST! He should never act again. Like Beanie Siegel. I like Nas, I really wanted him to do well. He was soooooo bad. "I'm going to Africa." WHERE!?!?!?!?! It's a big ass continent (Lu-Deezy, what up!). Pick one of the 54 countries, douche bag. Yeah I know that's a writing mistake, but if he made me believe ANYTHING he did or said the whole rest of the movie, maybe I'd let it slide. It was not a Sincere performance.

I will now patiently await the day this site blows up and one or more of the rappers I talked about here earlier punches me in the face after reading this.

To Ya Door, Once More, Gimme Dat Academy Award,


Show said...

Well Done Bredren...Though you forgot about Lil Bow Wow's horrific performances in Entourage, Like Mike and Tokoyo Drift....uuuuugggh (shivers.) I think I just puked up day old chinese food in my mouth.

MW said...

Wasn't Coolio a rapper at some time? He does have a laundry list of "acting" credits.

I am sure he shone in both
Pterodactyl and Dracula 3000. He was also, however, the delightful Kwanzaabot in the soon-to-be-resurrected Futurama, so... I guess I can't hate on anyone who has a vision of paradise, albeit a gangster's one.

P.S. If BET shows Bow Wow's Roll Bounce one more fucking time I am going to throw my remote at my giant TV. Is this the state of "black entertainment"? Sad, sad, sad.

Amir said...

Yo, can my man Will Smith get some love (no homo)? It is summer time, after all... (yea, I know that's corny, but I don't give a F**K!)

Anonymous said...

what about the dudes from Onyx and Mark Whalberg?

Carl said...

1) If Amir was paying attention to last week's post he would've seen that Will Smith was the #1 4-mask rapper turned actor.

2) Coolio and Marky Mark do not count as rappers, but we'll get to them in an addendum.

3) Sorry I forgot about Fredro and Sticky.