Sunday, June 28, 2009

Showrock's Sunday Stories pt. 1: The Story of Lina Medina

Anyone who actually knows me, or is familiar with the blog, knows that aside from being an asshole and prick in real life, I am also a pretty intelligent guy who knows a lot of random sh*t. This being said, I often use my posts as a means to educate, slipping morsels of knowledge in with comedic wit. Don't start thinking I'm no punk bi**h though, as I will quickly tell you that aside from using the power of electronic media to disseminate knowledge, I also use it to get bi**hes...bad bi**ches.


The other day my bff 'Sex doll,' (dont even ask how he got that name. no homo), informed me of a true life story that I would have never have f**kin believed were it not for the substantive Internet proof. Lol. I do not read fiction, nor do i write it or condone it. With so many things in the world I am ignorant of (i.e. the chromosomal make-up of midgets, origin of the standard bra sizing system, or original recipie for Codeine Sizzurp), I cannot even fathom the idea of wasting my time reading something that never happened in real life. As I take this blog seriously, I promise not to waste any of your time with hogwash tomfoolery either. The following story is 100% true, though I will do my best to make it funnier than it actually is (all while keeping the facts accurate.)




The Story of Lina Medina...aka Baby Pop-Off





Born on September 27th 1933 in Pisco, a small village in Peru, Lina was pretty much like any other baby free from the grasp of R-kelly, myspace predators and catholic priests.

Shortly after reaching her fifth birthday, members of the medina household began thinking that their daughter was gravely ill, as she began showing interesting symptoms and apparently had developed an abdominal tumor. Seeing as how ni**as didn't have escalades and hummers to drive the sick little child to the doctor many miles away, local witchdoctors most likely gave the baby a few shots of hennesey mixed with goat blood or some sh*t, and were somehow surprised that she wasn't miraculously cured. Needless to say, the miracle of modern science had not yet transplanted itself in the Peruvian Andes.

As the child became more and more ill, Lina's father was somehow able to transport her an actual doctor, Gerardo Lozada, who informed him that not only was Lina without abdominal tumor...she was also with child! Yes. Five year old Lina Medina was diagnosed with a disease called precocious puberty. She had been having regular periods since eight months old and was now, at the age of five, seven months pregnant. Not only was Lina a pint sized miniature woman (reproductively), but someone had also had the nerve to pop off inside her and get her pregnant. Sick Bastards.


On May 14th 1939, mother's day for christ sake, Lina gave birth (via Cesarean section) to a health 5 pound nine oz baby boy, which scared the living sh*t out of her. What the fu*k? Is this surprising to anyone? A child molested at four years old and who would rather play with dolls then her own child...imagine that. Nevertheless, the baby was born perfectly healthy and the family lived happily ever after.


Yea right. How could the F**k could a five year old (the world's youngest mother) end up happily ever after. While the baby was born healthy, he was raised as though he were Lina's baby brother, and did not find out the truth until he was ten. While Lina never informed Doctors as to who the father was, her father was loccccccccked up (Akon Voice), for suspicion of child molestation. Good! If he didn't do it, he should've kept a better eye on his daughter and not allowed her to get filled up with the quintessential man-skeet pourage or cauliflower soup, as christened by the Faceguys. Due to primitive detective work and lack of medical proof, Lina's father was released from prison and life went on as normally as it could for such a disfunctional family.


Lina's child died at 4o years old. due to an unrelated illness, but she herself is till alive and married, having a second child. She avoids the press like white people avoid wash cloths, but if you google her you can find out more about our own little baby pop off. While some theories exist as to Lina not being raped, but rather, as a result of her condition, having the actual sex drive of a mature woman and seeking out a partner, I don't buy that sh*t for one minute. Keep it 100. Someone, besides Lina, knows who popped off in her and that perv, who is not named R-kelly due to dates, ages and time lines, is still out there knockin baby boots.


Let this be a lesson to you Jonas brothers and anyone bumpin uglies with Miley Cyrus. If you pop off in a little girl she may get pregnant and you will be f**ked. There will be evidence that you f**ked and consequently you will go to jail and be f**ked. Upon release, if at all possible, you will have to register as a sex offender and your life will be fu*ked. Upon dying you will be condemned to Hell by GOD, a place where you will be surrounded by other rapists who are bigger and stronger than you, and you will be F**ked eternally. If you are a woman rapist you will forever be condemned to life as a necrophiliac, meaning you will most likely be sucking off corpses....ewwww.


In short, please take advantage of the wealth of TRUE knowledge available for consumption on the net (including that portrayed at Nappyheadedbros.com), and remember...


Misogyny is cool, but violence against women and children is not.


Live, Love, Learning Something New

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