Saturday, June 27, 2009

Nobody Cares About You...You Suck.

In browsing my pseudo-girlfriend's blog, (which I didn't even know existed until today), I read an interesting post on what actual purpose a blog serves. Funny thing is, when reading the question aloud, I couldn't come up with an answer. What the F**k is the purpose of a Blog? Is it for wannabe tough guys to gain a sense of self importance protected by the anonymity of the Internet and concealment of their real, not so tough or interesting identity?

Maybe blogs exist merely as a means of creative self-expression. Maybe they exist because ni**as need something to read at work or on their cellphones in order to kill time. Whatever the purpose, one thing is for sure...95% of blogs suck most likely as a consequence of their authors not knowing what the f**k they are doing, or how to entertain an audience.

Guess what? I don't fall into that category. I'm a 5% er.

I know exactly what the f**k I'm doing and why my blog exists. I have been writing a book for almost a year now and want to hone my writing skills in the fratire genre (look it up). More importantly, I want to see if I can gain a large enough following to even warrant me becoming a published author, and to see if my life is as interesting as I think it is. Who the f**k am I kidding, I just want to make enough money doing this that I can quit my job and act crazy, get drunk and f**k hoes for a Tucker Max.

Enough of this sh*t...back to being funny.

Let today's post be a warning...the blog killer is back. F**k you're blog...we the best (Dj Khaled Voice)...and now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

Nobody cares about you, you suck:

A list of people who should have just been aborted with wire hangers

So I've already succeeded in pissing a bunch of women off by telling single mothers who've overcome adversity to shut the f**k up and praise themselves in silence. This is fact. Despite various males, who shall remain nameless, giving me daps, pounds and praise for the previously mentioned post, I am going to leave that subject alone...I have bigger (Mo'Nique sized) fish to fry. The following represents the worst of the worst...people who should be face f**ked with a spiked dildo until their vocal chords cease to exist.

10. Pseudo or B-list celebrities complaining about being famous

Jon, Kate and your eight troll monster kids: you are not even supposed to be famous! You make 80 grand an episode just for having a loose vagina and taking care of your own responsibilities. Excuse me? Do I hear you complaining about the paparazzi and celebdom? Fine. Go back to your old shack and non-celebrity mothering duties. P.S. Take Octomom with you (unless of course she agrees to do that Porn that Vivid offered her a million dollars to do.)

9. People with Giant SUV's complaining about Gas

No one that wasn't a rapper told you to buy an Escalade! I'm not a hater, I'm just saying...(ignore the fact that haters always say that). Unless you have a need for 8 seats, or just like taking up two parking spaces, you should probably downgrade and pick something more suitable for your economic climate. Or you can just stop being broke, and spending gas money at the club on bottles of Nuvo. Should've gotten a Scion XB or a BMW X3 since you've apparently you're off generating estrogen instead of income. Beeeeyatch.

8. People leasing Cars they cant afford and complaining about taxes

This group of people go hand in hand with those in complaint # 9. If you cannot afford the maintenence of a car (including oil changes, paying taxes and getting car, don't buy it! Go hook-up a honda Civic or something rather than splurging on that used 1993 Lexus. This is the equivalent of people buying fancy pre-paid Boost mobile phones and not having money for minutes. Sure your phone can get live video streams, take pictures and play MP3's, but ni**a can you make a call!!? Don't laugh...having a shiny new Benz with a Boot on it for unpaid taxes or tickets is just as bad.

7. Puertoricans and Dominicans complaining about Mexicans

You all speak spanish right? You all have mixed Indian blood in your ancestory (be it Taino, Tarascan or Huiscol), so stop hating on each other. Yes Mexicans have flat butts and are shorter, but they also tend to work harder. Sure puertoricans age faster, but they have the best parade, and while Dominicans pernil may not be as good, their asses are fatter. Agreed? Agreed.

6. Fat girls wearing tight clothes to show that "Big is Beautiful"

There are two things that I do not have a problem with: big girls believing they are beautiful, and big girls being slutty as a means to get physically fit guys to f**k them in a drunken stupor. Both these acts are permissible. Why is it, however, that many big girls think that 'wearing the same thing a skinny woman would wear" makes you big and sexy? In actuality, the end result is often the antithesis of sexy, and you come off looking foolish. I love big women (if they truly are sexy) and say go ahead...wear your boy shorts, thongs and form fitting jeans. DON'T, however, wear midriffs, daisy dukes, mesh shirts or any of that other nonsense that skinny girls get away with not because it looks good on them, but because they putting their artistically cut bodies on display.

5. White people comparing Slavery to the Holocaust

Both were horrible events in history the effects of which many are feeling today, however, they were not and are not the same thing. That is all.

4. People Hating on Strippers

Would you put your body on display for the world to see and criticize? If not, then shut up and let these women get their money. It is a job people!!! Despite the fact that most strippers are whores of their own volition, dancing for money is no different than punching a clock (if that clock started at 10 pm and ended at 3am.) Do you think strippers strip because they like crawling around naked and having to give secret hand and blow jobs just to make real money? Hell nah....It's a job, just like anything else. Ballerina? Stripper in a tutu. Back-up Dancer? Stripper with groupie tendencies. Cashier? A future stripper working on her accounting skills. LOL. Don't worry ladies...The faceguys, NappyheadedBros and Ho whisperers love yall...(I got a network bi**hes!)

3. Girls sucking di*ck and not swallowing

Repeating this ridiculous phrase is like saying, "I commit burglaries..but not armed robberies." It sounds foolish. Either you do this act in the privacy of your own home, car or hallyway (lol), or you admit the fact that your dignity is smeared just as much by sucking d**k and not swallowing as it is by going the 'whole 9 yards.' LOL. And while I'm at it I might as well tell yall to start lickin balls! LMAO. No Homo.

2. Rappers saying "I'm not a rapper"

If you are not a rapper than I would kindly like my 9.99 back for my itunes download as well as an explanation. Its funny how everyone who raps without a record deal says they're a rapper
and everyone getting paid to rap says they're a "trapper, gangsta or hustler". Go figure. If you get paid to rap, you are a rapper. Plus, the last time I checked, gangstas didn't get manicures, carry Louis Vuiton Man Bags and have stylists. BTW, Lil Wayne actually has someone to cut his food into pieces for him since he says hes too busy!!! I love wayne, no homo, but that ain't gangsta!!!!!!

1. Ni**as getting caught on "to Catch a Predator" attempting to explain themselves

If you've ever seen this show where men come to a house thinking they're gonna bang an underage girl they met on the Internet, but get set up by NBC and the cops, you are familiar with the ridiculous excuses. Predator: "I wanted to be her mentor", Chris Hanson: "well why did you ask her if she'd ever tried Anal, and why are you holding beer and condoms." LMAO. This shouldn't be funny but it is. If you are caught on this show, it's a wrap! Give it up. Finito. There's no explaining trying to 'Bang Bang Skeet" (Shout out To Naledge) with a minor.

Whaaaat (biggie voice.) There ain't no more to it.

Live, Love, Me


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