Monday, June 29, 2009

Miss. Mulatto...Yes ni**a, I said Miss.

Those of you familiar with my alter-ego Mr. Mulatto, know that I take great pride in being a bridge between cultures, providing both Caucasians and ordinary negroes with insight as to the customs and practices of their respective races. Now I know a few of yall are saying, "yes ni**a...we know this, but what the f**k is a 'Miss Mulatto?'

Chill out people...and let me explain.

No fellas I have not lost my mind and turned the blog over to a female, nor have I gone Ru-paul and gotten a sex change (gross.) What your friend good Ol' Mr. Mulat [sic] has went and done (with a little help from my boy Scoochie-Man Le Fleur) , was create a special subsection of Mulatto insight, dedicated to all the special chocolate and vanilla creamsicles (no homo) out there. I love my ladies, and as a way to show my affection, I offer thee a special gift. Enjoy it, embrace it and love a homo with a bag full of d**ks. No homo. LOL.

Miss Mulatto: A List (Pt. 1)
Things White Women do That Black Women Should Try

5. Jogging
Now I say a lot of things that get me in trouble and today will be no different. Love it or hate it, the honest truth is that you never see black women jogging. Perhaps this is a result of the extreme 'distribution of health' which divides the population of black females into the categories of either gym rats or fat, Maury Povich watching couch potatoes.whatever the reason, however, you will often see black women engaging in their own version of this phenomenon, a so-called exercise we will describe as 'walking.'

Newsflash, you are wasting your time. The minimal amount of calories burned do not even take care of the breakfast you allowed yourself to eat as a treat for waking up so early and exercising. Silly rabbits. Just because you put on a discount Nike jogging suit from the clearence rack at T.J. Maxx does not make "walking" exercise. People do it everyday...just consider it collateral damage for having to get from one place to another. Ladies, take a lesson from black men (when being followed by police)...START RUNNING, or at the very least, try a moderate jog.

4. Thrift store shopping (not discount rack or clearance)

Now, before all of my white fans start going bourgeoisie on me, just remember that I am talking about average, run of the mill white women...not you hoes with Sugar daddies, or six figure salaries which allow you to buy Louis Vuitton (lucky bi**hes!) This being said, white women have no problem wearing hand me downs from other white people. Don't believe me? Look at the type of sh*t that people buy on Ebay. While I personally think that buying someones used Bra, Boyshorts or gold teeth is utterly disgusting, I cannot knock your hustle for staying trendy on a budget.

Black women, don't start your pontificating. We all know you shop last years styles at Marshalls, buy imperfect Coach bags at the Outlet and buy shoes from Payless, Nine West or DSW. I'm not saying anything is wrong with this, but one type of discount shopper looking down upon another is like the pot calling the Kettle black...or the crack rock calling the baking soda white (drug game reference. lol) least at thrift stores you're donating to those in need rather than fueling greed in corporate America.

3. Implants
Given our previous post on boobs, I'm sure you all know how we feel about this one. Don't hate on black men for trying to holla at white women (with humongous racks) if you are not willing to sacrifice a lifetime without back pain and upgrade. Everyone loves an upgrade...just ask cell phone companies how many people would prefer to keep their old phone rather than get a new one for free. While I know this isn't entirely the same thing, (only because you can't make calls or text message from ti**ies), the fact of the matter is, new tits are better than old ones...especially new, bigger ones!! Suck it up ladies and get some silicone. With white women getting those new ass implants you better catch up before the process of Darwinian natural selection makes you obsolete. LOL.

2. Giving head (pardon my vulgarity. lol)

That Pic pretty much says it all. Is that really how you white women think of us? If so, God bless America (despite the fact that we were ripped from our motherland and sold at auction.) Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that all white women perform this act, or than no black women do...what I am saying is that in terms of percentages, white women do it more. Sike! They definitely do it more, but I didn't learn that from statistics. I learned it from being the Black President of a white Fraternity. Holla. Yall are probably thing, " nasty! Go get tested." I did, last week. LMAO. This being said....Beautiful black princess, goddess of the earth, can you...errrr....slob the knob like corn on the cob, otherwise do me a favor...tap that white girl on the shoulder. LOL.

1. Paying your man's bills (including bail)

Why is it wrong that I said that? I'm not saying that I would like to emasculate myself and have a woman take care of me, however....If I get locked up, I do expect her to post bail and or litigate my trial pro-bono (no-homo).

White women take care of their men, and (if they themselves are fat) pay their man's bills. Why does this occur you ask? low self esteem? A desire to be loved? Who knows. What I do know, however, is that if they can do it, so can you strong black sisters! While I may not let you actually pay my bills, I would appreciate your offering, as the day will come when you need some money to put minutes on your boost phone. Just as a precursory warning, if you let me sit in jail for a few days, fighting for my street credibility and anal virginity while you are out driving my whip and fornicating with my boys, I will kick you, your clothes and your fatherless bastard children out on the lawn...and then turn the sprinklers on before calling the police.

Black women...don't end up like this... post bail.

Live, Love, Cream in my coffee and chocolate in my latte

Show "me your 36-24-36" 's Rocka

1 comment:

daniel said...

Wow. I actually laughed out loud, not token LOL but a serious belly laugh. I'm not sure which parts I'm allowed to laugh at though so I'll leave it at that.