Thursday, June 18, 2009

Chlamydia & Gonorrhea: They're like Ringworm for Grown-Ups!

Before getting into this informatory post, I want to let it be known that it was originally titled "I think I caught Lyme Disease from a Stripper" due to an incident I had a few weeks back. To make a long story short, after a brief night at an overly raunchy strip club I became ill and started experiencing various symptoms, some psychosomatic and some not. While I was 100% sure that even in my drunken stupor I hadn't engaged in sexual intercourse with any of these vile street urchins, I nonetheless thought that I had somehow caught an STD, UTI or worse, Lyme Disease, from a 10 minute lapdance. BTW, the most comical part of this lapdance fiasco was not my thinking that crabs, angry HIV carrying dust mites or fleas had transferred from her body to mine, but rather the fact that after asking for a dollar to put in the juke box, she proceeded to play this song...

Mariah Carey's 'We Belong Together." LMMAO. Laughing my monkey ass off.

I know what a lot of you are thinking right now. Why would you assume you caught Lyme disease of all things? The simple answer is that I've had Lyme disease before and the symptoms were similar. Also, trying to explain how you caught an STD without having ANY form of intercourse isn't always that convincing. Nevertheless, it made for an interesting true life moment as I was trying to explain to a girlfriend the various scenarios of how I could've caught stripper scurvy without my being in the wrong. Maybe some of her juice dripped onto me and through osmosis....nah....Or better yet, maybe I touched her and forgot to wash my hands before I peed. Ironically enough, my friends agreed that this was the most likely scenario as the strippers remove underwear before lapdances and the bathroom at this filth hole does not carry soap. Nevertheless, I was left looking like an ill-versed babbling fool as my Doctor said "'ve lost your mind. There is nothing wrong with you. Now stay out of that wretched club."

While he may have been right, (I dunno, I still feel a little funny), this experience definitely caused me to think about the spread of STD's in today's world. Hearing friends tell stories about getting 'the clap" or girls being 'burned' has become all too normal and commonplace, even for a person of questionable morals such as myself.

Upon further research, I have come to the conclusion that with treatable STD's becoming so prevalent, and their ease of elimination growing, they really aren't that big of a deal...(easy to say when you don't have one. lol)

This being said...

Chlamydia & Gonorrhea: They're like Ringworm for Grown-Ups!

Wait,wait,wait! Let me explain...

1. Both are caught by not listening to your parents advice.

Even more specifically, both these STDs and this fungal infection can be caught by...errr...not keeping your 'hat' on your head. Lol. Mama always said don't ever wear someone else's hat and to always use a condom when the situation dictates. Guess you should've listened. Switch the wording of these precautionary warnings around and you wouldn't dare ignore the mother's advice...unless, of course you are willing to wear someone else's condom or attend a graduation without your cap and tassle.

2. Both are highly contagious and spread via skin to skin contact

Yes that's right, you can catch ringworm from merely touching something an infected person has come in contact with, and while catching Chlamydia or Gonorrhea requires a bit more extensive 'touching', it does not necessarily have to involve sexual intercourse. Skin to skin people!! For all of you young'ns out there who think its OK to dry hump and tit f**k your lives away, hear can catch Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or even worse...ringworm!! As long as she's wet (which she should be), or your little pigeon d**k is leaking pre-ejaculatory fluid (gross), you can theoretically get burned. If you start to see fleshy colored circles around your jimmy, however, that sh*t aint Ringworm son. Nor is it one of the treatable STDs...

you might want to see a REAL Doctor...I just play one on TV.

3. Both can nonchalantly be cured with a couple of pills...

Long gone are the days of having to get a shot of penciling in the ass, or actually having to go through the process of getting a "scraping rod" shoved down your urethra...(Sorry guys, I know its painful to listen to that, but I aim to educate!) Pop a few Ciphros, Zythromaxes, or Bactrims and you should be good money. What? I know this because I read a lot...

4. Both can cause symptoms below the belt.

Ah ha! I knew I would force you all to learn something today! As many people don't know Ringworm, Athletes foot and Jock Itch (known collectively as Tinea) are essentially the same thing! Now...I'm sure we can agree that all of my male readers are smart enough not to share someone's jock strap, correct? Good. Now why would one assume it would be any less disgusting to stick your pleasure rod in the snatch of some girl who has had more rubber(s) insider her than pot holes? I'm just saying...

5. Both Carry a Stigma worse than their actual symptoms or outcome

While this is a 100% true statement, I cannot say that I would prefer it'd be any other way. Catching a treatable STD is like GOD (Buddha, Jehovah, Jah, Tom Cruise for Scientologists, or whoever you believe in)'s own personal wake up call telling you to cool it down before you end up with something worse. In the same way that ringworm teaches you to mind your mother or fathers warnings and practice good hygiene, STD's teach us that we are not invincible. While its often a harsh wake-up call, I'd definitely prefer it to a call from the clinic that starts with "knock, knock? who's there? AIDS....AIDS who? Your Test Result!!"

Not to sound preachy or anything, but wrap it up like a Dominican Doobie!

Unless she's really fine...or white...since those girls are clean. LOL. That was a joke. Tongue and cheek Blog people!!!! I feed you morsels of nutritious knowledge inside of your hot fudge sundaes (no homo.) Ow ow owwwwwwww. I'm out.

Live, Love, Jimmy Hats (lol) (no homo)

Sho-Show (no homo)


Anonymous said...

if the stripper looked like the fat hoe in the top pic, you probably deserve whatever treatable, crab-like infestation you think you got. but only if it's treatable.

Mary Brodie-Turcotte said...

I have ringworm