Thursday, June 11, 2009

How to Tell if a White Girl Likes Black Guys

As the primary contributor to this Blog, I pretty much know how many people are reading it at any given time, as well as what types of humor the viewership is most responsive towards. While sometimes I aim to make you laugh, other times I go out on a limb offering introspective gems of knowledge designed to help make your lives more fulfilling. All delusions of grandeur aside, today's post will serve both these purposes, as you will indeed learn a valuable skill for life while laughing your monkey ass off. Attention all straight African-American males (no homo)...I will show you how to tell if a white girl likes black guys. LOL.

Now...For all of you who are thinking "wow, I can't wait for this expert advice from the king of interracial dating," i would like to offer a preliminary and emphatic 'F**k You.' Contrary to popular belief I am not one of those black guys who only dates white women. I like Spanish ho*es. To all my beautiful black sisters out there who may be offended by my personal tastes in women, don't be mad....I love yall too...If I wasn't for yall I'd have no one to twist my dreds!



Nevertheless, I digress (copyright)...



Now more than ever, the concept of interracial dating is becoming more and more acceptable. Living in the giant bowl of chex mix we call America it is almost impossible to avoid the co-mingling of races and inevitable truth that within fifty years everyone will be half-breed mutts ...that is, unless Puertoricans keeping having 3x as many babies as everyone else. Just kidding...well, sorta...don't act like you didn't know that hispanics are the fastest growing population within the U.S. Until the day comes when hispanics take over and turn this b**ch into Macarena-ville, however, we must deal with various people of all races and be more tolerant of each other. Long gone are the days of stubborn white fathers telling becky to ditch her ni**a boyfriend because he will amount to nothing.....well, you may still hear it, but its a moot point. In case they might have forgot, we have a black president bi**hes! So thank Barack and pop some Ciroc! White women for everyone!

Just remember...the key, this day and age, is to assess who will be tolerant of your gold chain, dreadlock rockin ass and who is still suffering from PTSND (Post Traumatic Scared of Ni**as Disorder.) Instructions to follow.



How to Tell if a White Girl Likes Black Guys



10. She thinks its cool to hang out with mostly dudes... And they look like this.



I figure we will start with the easy identifiers such as this. Other dead giveaways include finding (in her house or car) a cornucopia of do-rags and or wave grease. Bandannas are permissible, but no white girls, or dudes should be wearing Do-rags.





9. She Has a Black Baby's Daddy.

Well hello...If this one isn't obvious to you than you need to seriously consider dating in a more controlled environment like e-harmony or match.com. Chump. By the way, I am aware that the phrase "Black Baby's Daddy is redundant." White Baby Daddies are called husbands, or as we Nappyheaded Bros say...suckers.

8. She has Cornrows or Flat twists.



F**k the Bullsh*t. If a white girl has braids and they were not done on a beach in Jamaica, then she had to have someone black (or Dominican) do them, meaning she is obviously comfortable around 'our kind.' Also, I seriously doubt that cornrows are attractive to white males.







These bi**hes even have gold teeth. That's proof that they are also ignorant...or from Atlanta.



7. She is obese yet has an affliction for skinny men.

I have a theory on why black men oftentimes end up with overweight white women. We members of the negroid persuasion, unlike our Caucasoid brethren, like our women curvy, busty and thicker than Weezy's Codeine Sizzurp. I have a theory. While Massa (Master) was out fornicating by force with all the pretty black slaves, who do you think was in the house catering to his hefty housewife...too over the top? OK, I have another theory. Due to the disproportionate number of black males in college (vs. Jail), some of us 'on the outside' lack the cognitive perceptual skills to discern the difference between Thick and Fat. Those of us in jail....well....we take whatever we can get. LOL.



P.S. I'm embarrassed for dude in the above pic. I hope he really loves that girl because all I did was google "black guy, fat white girl" and that pic came up like 5 times. FYL. F**k Your Life!



6. She wears Bamboo Earrings and Name Plate Jewelry



We all know you can only get this sh*t at a Hood jewelry store and that other white people think its ridiculous...especially on you. Do we black men think oversized 10kt gold hoops are sexy hanging from your alabaster ears? Hells bells no...we just know that you want to fit in so desperately that you'll f**k the first ni**a who pays you any attention, and I my friend...do not intend on being second.



5. You met her on Myspace. Her wallpaper looks like this.







As if this is not bad enough, she does stupid ni**a sh*t like put her ultrasound pictures on my space and when asked if she has a family or baby photo album, she signs onto Facebook. Scantily clad photos and screen name like "ThickazzMami", 'xxxLuv2Fukxx" or "Freak4u" are also usually dead give aways. While 10 years ago, Rap on her page may classify her as a lover of the dark meat, nowadays Hip-Hop has become so main stream that its cross cultural. However, if her page loads and you hear a non commercial rapper like Plies, Uncle Murder, O.J Da Juiceman, Gucci Mane or anyone else not liable to be heard on MTV or BET...you got yourself a winner.









4. She's Thicker than a Snicker.



White guys probably think she's fat and therefore she has become accustomed to attention from those who will give it...black men. The only problem here is that after years of hearing how fine and 'Thick' she is, she has begun to get a bit bigheaded or conceited. Do we think she looks scrumptious? Booty rotund? Yes and Yes. However, if she starts to climb on that high horse, knock her down with the god honest truth...say to her: 'yes I would like to make love to your butt, but the lovehandles and slightly portly potbelly isn't as attractive as you think it is. I deal with it though because I wanna smash you like a thumb in a car door." :)





3. The B**ch has Rims!

Either she's driving her man's car and he is black, or she picked this bad habit up hanging in some hood somewhere. Rims reek of ni**a-ness. They are like weaves for your car. Any woman not smart enough to avoid the pitfall which is buying rims, (or even worse RIM FINANCING) is obviously not clever enough to avoid the mack game laid down by an articulate black male. Not only will you be able to hit it fellas...you may also get her to buy you some rims on her Baby Phat Credit Card.





2. She Smokes Newports

First off, if you met her at the Bodega buying a Loosie (loose cigarette) from Papi, she f**ks black guys. Secondly, as a rule of thumb, people tend to smoke what their friends and colleagues smoke. Case in point, you almost never see white people smoke Newports. I actually think that white people believe Newports to be injected with some form of black person DNA which will make them start doing things like spending rent money on Jordans. Lol.



I really shouldn't play on these stereotypes...but it's so fun. Anyway....If she's smokin a 'Port she'll probably smoke your chocolate covered totem pole too (no homo.) Sheeeeiiiit, if she really likes Black Guys, she may even leave with this fool!!!







1. She wears Nike Air Force Ones



Hold up. Now doesn't she just look like she'll sleep with you for a free Kanye CD? No offense to the woman pictured, but I know FROM EXPERIENCE that girls who wear Air force ones are either from the hood, pretend to be from the hood or are from somewhere like California where the concept of racial tolerance actually exists.



Knock off Air force ones, Dunks, Reeboks, and New Balances may create an air of mystery as to "what a girl is really like..." AF1's and Jordans however, are like writing I love Black guys across your Budankadonk.





You think we don't notice ladies, but we do and truly appreciate the gesture. :)



Holla at me snowflakes! Lol...(203)..60 (just kidding...facebook me.)







Live, Love, Sarah Silverman





Sho-Show (no Homo)

14 comments:

Akere said...

As a relative newcomer, I have been perusing through older post for entertainment during class. (Pharmacy School = boring) I found this and literally died, then ressurected by jump-startin my heart wit ionophores (sorry, pharmacy). How the hell did no one comment on this? Straight hilarious. I've seen this shit in real life (as opposed to fake life). Funnier or sadder yet, I have bashed more girls who did not show these signs. Don't know if it is my skills or the fact I was raised in their suburbs (cop fron Chappelle skit). Let me put my intelligent black breathen on, who are in their fall semester of freshman year at an urban university: The girls who were coddled as children, from country ass areas where the only niggras they saw were on BET, or straight up held hostage in catholic brothels err high schools, are out for black dick. Not light skinned LiL Zhane or Ursher (Luda's Yeah voice) creamsicle (no homo) dick, but black asphault niggas. Not hot chocolate, we talkin bout rich chocolate OVALTINE negroes. These Colgate bitches are easy to spot, cuz they find ya ass. They also give you the 'Look'. (All men know that look in a girl's eye that means you better touch me; at that point the recipient ensues to do the Celebatory Bootie Dance screamin What's Swahili for CHING CHING?!!? Ok overboard, ma-bah). If you blind or retarded and can't tell when a girl is approachin you with the look in their eye, don't fret my Tyrese (no no, you are too re-tarted to see so you get Black-Ty) midnight brother. Don't fret cause these girls are so ready to stick it to their dads, and themselves, that they will just walk up to you and introduce theyself NO MATTER WHAT you doin or what situation you're in. In interest of time and this long ass comment, ask any post fall-semester freshman and above what THEY were doin when one of these future Liza Minelli's first came and introduced theyself in their fall semester. You should be highly entertained.

notyourcoredemographic said...

Okay...now, this is funny. I have to say I stumbled upon this post while trying to gain some insight into my divorced three years ago fatty friends psyche....she's a successful, fat, white woman who was neglected by her husband for years and has proceeded to work her way through endless trailer trash white men (really, a good vibrator couldn't have been better?), and is now entering the unfamiliar territory of the same with uneducated black men...who tell her she's the one and then she can't get a hold of them for days. She's a fucking mess and can't seem to get her head on straight...it's sad, I know but obviously common...WTF is up with this? She's an educated professional woman, she had the courage to divorce and move on, but she keeps herself fat and unhappy by doing this shit....why does sex reduce otherwise smart people to stupid fucking retards? Focus on yourself, have some self respect....if you can find a black man to fuck your brains out and make you feel good about yourself while trying to get your head on straight, great, but WTF....I'm sorry it's totally irreverant and as a married white woman who's only black friend is the lesbian who coaches my kid, I'm sure you don't appreciate my appreciation of this post (don't worry, neither would she). I find this fucking hysterical....showrocka is a witty bastard, I will be reading some more...I'll try to refrain from commenting though as I am sure you're not trying to crack up bored, married with children white housewives.

Rock said...

Nothing I appreciate more than honest feedback. I love Married white women. LOL.

While we tend to lean towards certain urban-centric topics I feel like a lot of the NHB stuff is universal. There are degenerates of every race , color, creed, or weight...we try to make fun of them all...

Except the ones with ginormous boobs. We love them and even make up words to describe them. Pow.

Andrew Lopez said...

I'm surprised you didn't list a southern accent living anywhere out of the south, that weird peacock haircut with the taper in the back, nails extremely overdone and a pear shaped body. Any of these things on a white woman, dead giveaway.... :)

Tommyharg said...

Funny and humorous; but what about the white women that like only black men - that fit none of these descriptions ?

Nancy Nyangena said...

I am a 24 year old white girl. I fit none of the above descriptions, and I always find myself attracted to black men. Have never been with one though... mostly because I'm scared. I work with mostly black men, and surprisingly, not one has ever hit on me. I get plenty of attention from white men, but I guess I'm not attractive to black men. I'd say I'm pretty curvy, but not overweight and an average "white girl" ass. Black men really do like big butts... because they sure aren't interested in mine. Point is, I don't fit this description at all, but on average, I find black men more attractive than white men.

christopher jones said...

well ms. white woman if you dont mind ima black man and a pretty good judge of character so send meba picture nothing explicit or anything and i will tell you why black guys are not hittinh on you and what you can do to change that. my email is youngpoise@yahoo.com

Jaclyn Johnson said...

i can agree wit SOME of these things, HOWEVER, not even half by a landslide. i grew up in the south n have NEVER been attracted to white men.. EVER.. i have always had a difference of opinion wit white folks who think they r better then other ppl bcuz of the color of they skin.. i have puerto rican kids n a BLACK HUSBAND, whom if u touch, i WILL break a foot of in yo azz!!! i love my husband... i do agree wit the nike thing tho lol.. just like i was told bout 13 yrs ago, most white gurls who like white men, they happy as long as they got a pespi n a pair of stinky reeboks.. ugh, hate those.. NIKE n JORDANs only baby!!!!!!i just dont get down wit the sterotypes tho.. i have my opinions but BIG MAMA always taught me "chile, if u aint got nuffin nice to say, dont say that shit at all, keep it to ya self" lol

Sandy said...

I'm a 36 year old white female and I am not a fat ass white girl I'm smaller white girl 5'6" 119 pounds and I love, date an hook up with black men and have since I was age 13. I'm not Ghetto don't try to talk black just love dark men. So don't assume that we are all fat and Ghetto.

Thanks, Sandy from Phoenix AZ.
Sandykloszewski@gmail.com

rickie holley said...

Hit me up . Big butts get i the way. I into the person you show me.

Wade Porterie said...

Maybe there just too mature for that

Teona Smiley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheWayofLJ said...

as a guy that has been screwing everything but black girls since high school, this article is absolutely hilarious, but also pretty factual. HOWEVER pretty much all of the white girls that fit these 10 stereotypes (except the thicker than a snicker one) tend to be even more ratchet than women from the projects lol...as for black men who operate in a functional society, like myself, some of the more discrete signs are her taste in music (old school hiphop, r&b), where she went to school (usually a mixed school), hates her father (funny but also true), and what sports she played/plays (if you've played sports in HS or college, you know that if you're around sports, you're usually around black guys...fit, athletic white girls usually are attracted to athletic black guys who look like f*cking Hercules)...there are more but I figured this would help some lol

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