As the primary contributor to this Blog, I pretty much know how many people are reading it at any given time, as well as what types of humor the viewership is most responsive towards. While sometimes I aim to make you laugh, other times I go out on a limb offering introspective gems of knowledge designed to help make your lives more fulfilling. All delusions of grandeur aside, today's post will serve both these purposes, as you will indeed learn a valuable skill for life while laughing your monkey ass off. Attention all straight African-American males (no homo)...I will show you how to tell if a white girl likes black guys. LOL.
Now...For all of you who are thinking "wow, I can't wait for this expert advice from the king of interracial dating," i would like to offer a preliminary and emphatic 'F**k You.' Contrary to popular belief I am not one of those black guys who only dates white women. I like Spanish ho*es. To all my beautiful black sisters out there who may be offended by my personal tastes in women, don't be mad....I love yall too...If I wasn't for yall I'd have no one to twist my dreds!
Nevertheless, I digress (copyright)...
Now more than ever, the concept of interracial dating is becoming more and more acceptable. Living in the giant bowl of chex mix we call America it is almost impossible to avoid the co-mingling of races and inevitable truth that within fifty years everyone will be half-breed mutts ...that is, unless Puertoricans keeping having 3x as many babies as everyone else. Just kidding...well, sorta...don't act like you didn't know that hispanics are the fastest growing population within the U.S. Until the day comes when hispanics take over and turn this b**ch into Macarena-ville, however, we must deal with various people of all races and be more tolerant of each other. Long gone are the days of stubborn white fathers telling becky to ditch her ni**a boyfriend because he will amount to nothing.....well, you may still hear it, but its a moot point. In case they might have forgot, we have a black president bi**hes! So thank Barack and pop some Ciroc! White women for everyone!
Just remember...the key, this day and age, is to assess who will be tolerant of your gold chain, dreadlock rockin ass and who is still suffering from PTSND (Post Traumatic Scared of Ni**as Disorder.) Instructions to follow.
How to Tell if a White Girl Likes Black Guys
10. She thinks its cool to hang out with mostly dudes... And they look like this.
I figure we will start with the easy identifiers such as this. Other dead giveaways include finding (in her house or car) a cornucopia of do-rags and or wave grease. Bandannas are permissible, but no white girls, or dudes should be wearing Do-rags.
9. She Has a Black Baby's Daddy.
Well hello...If this one isn't obvious to you than you need to seriously consider dating in a more controlled environment like e-harmony or match.com. Chump. By the way, I am aware that the phrase "Black Baby's Daddy is redundant." White Baby Daddies are called husbands, or as we Nappyheaded Bros say...suckers.
8. She has Cornrows or Flat twists.
F**k the Bullsh*t. If a white girl has braids and they were not done on a beach in Jamaica, then she had to have someone black (or Dominican) do them, meaning she is obviously comfortable around 'our kind.' Also, I seriously doubt that cornrows are attractive to white males.
These bi**hes even have gold teeth. That's proof that they are also ignorant...or from Atlanta.
7. She is obese yet has an affliction for skinny men.
I have a theory on why black men oftentimes end up with overweight white women. We members of the negroid persuasion, unlike our Caucasoid brethren, like our women curvy, busty and thicker than Weezy's Codeine Sizzurp. I have a theory. While Massa (Master) was out fornicating by force with all the pretty black slaves, who do you think was in the house catering to his hefty housewife...too over the top? OK, I have another theory. Due to the disproportionate number of black males in college (vs. Jail), some of us 'on the outside' lack the cognitive perceptual skills to discern the difference between Thick and Fat. Those of us in jail....well....we take whatever we can get. LOL.
P.S. I'm embarrassed for dude in the above pic. I hope he really loves that girl because all I did was google "black guy, fat white girl" and that pic came up like 5 times. FYL. F**k Your Life!
6. She wears Bamboo Earrings and Name Plate Jewelry
We all know you can only get this sh*t at a Hood jewelry store and that other white people think its ridiculous...especially on you. Do we black men think oversized 10kt gold hoops are sexy hanging from your alabaster ears? Hells bells no...we just know that you want to fit in so desperately that you'll f**k the first ni**a who pays you any attention, and I my friend...do not intend on being second.
5. You met her on Myspace. Her wallpaper looks like this.
As if this is not bad enough, she does stupid ni**a sh*t like put her ultrasound pictures on my space and when asked if she has a family or baby photo album, she signs onto Facebook. Scantily clad photos and screen name like "ThickazzMami", 'xxxLuv2Fukxx" or "Freak4u" are also usually dead give aways. While 10 years ago, Rap on her page may classify her as a lover of the dark meat, nowadays Hip-Hop has become so main stream that its cross cultural. However, if her page loads and you hear a non commercial rapper like Plies, Uncle Murder, O.J Da Juiceman, Gucci Mane or anyone else not liable to be heard on MTV or BET...you got yourself a winner.
4. She's Thicker than a Snicker.
White guys probably think she's fat and therefore she has become accustomed to attention from those who will give it...black men. The only problem here is that after years of hearing how fine and 'Thick' she is, she has begun to get a bit bigheaded or conceited. Do we think she looks scrumptious? Booty rotund? Yes and Yes. However, if she starts to climb on that high horse, knock her down with the god honest truth...say to her: 'yes I would like to make love to your butt, but the lovehandles and slightly portly potbelly isn't as attractive as you think it is. I deal with it though because I wanna smash you like a thumb in a car door." :)
3. The B**ch has Rims!
Either she's driving her man's car and he is black, or she picked this bad habit up hanging in some hood somewhere. Rims reek of ni**a-ness. They are like weaves for your car. Any woman not smart enough to avoid the pitfall which is buying rims, (or even worse RIM FINANCING) is obviously not clever enough to avoid the mack game laid down by an articulate black male. Not only will you be able to hit it fellas...you may also get her to buy you some rims on her Baby Phat Credit Card.
2. She Smokes Newports
First off, if you met her at the Bodega buying a Loosie (loose cigarette) from Papi, she f**ks black guys. Secondly, as a rule of thumb, people tend to smoke what their friends and colleagues smoke. Case in point, you almost never see white people smoke Newports. I actually think that white people believe Newports to be injected with some form of black person DNA which will make them start doing things like spending rent money on Jordans. Lol.
I really shouldn't play on these stereotypes...but it's so fun. Anyway....If she's smokin a 'Port she'll probably smoke your chocolate covered totem pole too (no homo.) Sheeeeiiiit, if she really likes Black Guys, she may even leave with this fool!!!
1. She wears Nike Air Force Ones
Hold up. Now doesn't she just look like she'll sleep with you for a free Kanye CD? No offense to the woman pictured, but I know FROM EXPERIENCE that girls who wear Air force ones are either from the hood, pretend to be from the hood or are from somewhere like California where the concept of racial tolerance actually exists.
Knock off Air force ones, Dunks, Reeboks, and New Balances may create an air of mystery as to "what a girl is really like..." AF1's and Jordans however, are like writing I love Black guys across your Budankadonk.
You think we don't notice ladies, but we do and truly appreciate the gesture. :)
Holla at me snowflakes! Lol...(203)..60 (just kidding...facebook me.)
Live, Love, Sarah Silverman
Sho-Show (no Homo)