Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Don't Worry Be Nappy


Dear America,


I know you think I am clever, witty and a d**k. You are absolutely correct in those respects. There are, however, many other things which you may (whether consciously or subconsciously) think about me which are not even remotely accurrate assessments of my character or intentions. All and all, and I'm sure all of my best friends know this, I am a loyal son of a B**ch (sorry mom) and would defend my brothers until I ran out of bullets.





As a friend, however, I take the liberty of breaking my other friends' balls as hard as I can (no homo), just because that's what friends do. In all honestly, those of you who've never met me would probably be shocked to learn that I get clowned more than any of my other friends back home...(don't believe it? just look at the comments under ANY of my facebook photos). I just never take the verbal assults seriously because I know it's all love, and I would never trade my life for anyone elses. Especially not those fags. Bye Haters.


Anyway...enough of this gay sh*t. Lets get on with the elloquent blog which will soon be today's water cooler topic of discussion.

And now...


Don't Worry be Nappy: Show-Show (no homo)'s list of things you should not be worried about.



Depression


Depression is a word made up by white people to describe affluent sadness and justify the entire discipline of psychology. As bad as people may feel, and as many drugs as they've been prescribed in order to 'cope', just remember, years ago before these diagnoses existed, people got by. F**k that, not only did people get by, but the world was also a lot less f**ked up place. Points of contention: none.


Also, I have a method of therapy which is proven not to fail, refunds gauranteed. Skip you therapy sessions for 1 month and hand the money over to me. Seriously. You will have the time of your life, all the while meeting new people and learning that interpersonal interaction while drinking is the best therapy. Does your therapist hand you a beer as soon as you enter a room? F**k no. Do we? Hells bells yea! We (your friends) love you (no homo) and they don't.




Friends




Friends come and go, and to say that a friendsship is a life-long bond is some straight up, hogwash-Tom foolery. Brotherhood, however, fits that description to a 'T', as family is something you are simply 'stuck with', no indian giving, no exchanges and no refunds. Case in Point: Think of how many people in your family there are that you are embarrased to admit are realated to you, but whom you would still take a bullet for. No matter how bad you ride them (no homo / no incest), know that they could come all the way across the country sanz hotel reservations because if any true friend was around, they'd have a place to stay. Thats what brothers do for each other, and true friendship is just that...a brother(or sister) hood.


Speaking of what brothers do for each other, they don't knock each other out. Think about how many times you've done things to your friends and vice versa that should've resulted in an all out fist fight to the death. Whether it be banging your boys sister (damn thats cold), letting the n-word slip just a few too many times, or acidentially ratting your friend out to his girlfriend (whom you ironically would like to bang), the end result is still the same. Things blow over...because they have to. True friends trust each other because, to put it honestly, they've done waaaaaay too much shady, illegal and ridiculous sh*t together not to. We all speak the same language... fluently. Friends hang together because they all add something to the equation, and once divided...the parts don't have quite the synergy of the whole. This is how it works, and I for one, wouldn't have my math any other way....unless I could add infinate STD free b***hes.



Women (Ugly, pretty, skinny, fat, white, indian, hoes and prostitues)


I know you may think that your stands for women are a bit high and the nappyheadedblogster's are a bit low. The former is true, the latter is not. WhatI have learned, which you will in do time, is that in order to meet Ms. Right, you need to see what the dating pool has to offer. In the same way that you would play a random game of beerpong with anyone who asked, there are girls willing to do the same (theoretically of course.) While I'm not suggesting you sleep with everyone or take everyone on a date, I do have an idea for you, which will also serve the dual purpose of explaining why we cool guys do what we do.


Try going out on a date with a girl who no one really seems to pay much attention to. Even if you don't find her attractive or a potiential wife, take her out. She may be used to a.) never having anyone take her out or b.) only dealing with assholes (i.e. The Nappy headed Cartel) who want to get drunk with her and possibly bang out at the end of the night. What you will effectively do is make her day, and if you still aren't interested in her, you'll make yourself a new female friend...and this is the best therapy of all.



While on the subject of women, it would be completely inappropriate not to blog about sex. Sex in and of itself is a beautiful thing. The sweet release of gargauntian porportion can only serve as a stress reliever and confidence booster. With the advent of condoms, sex really isnt even that dangerous. Don't let people fool you, they don't pop that frequently. I've only popped 2 in my life. Quit worrying about sleeping with and or dating your dream girl, because once you do, you'll realize that a dream girl is just that...a "dream" girl. Case in point: she who shall not be named... Let's call her Ms. X. Ms. X has the Body of a Goddess and face of a 2nd tier angel but her attitute is f**ked it all up...therefore, in the word's of Martin Lawrence..."Get the steppin. You don't gotta go home, but you got to get the hell outa here." Dream girls are better off kept in ones dreams. Remember that.

Lloyd Banks once said , (sorry it wasn't Lil Wayne America), that "I never got the ones I wanted, Just the ones that wanted me..." Yea, newsflash America! that's how it works. Embrace the strategy until you find one that you really like. If not, no harm no foul? You think I wanted to fall for the girls I ended up falling for? Hells bells no. I actually am disgusted by the possibility that a girl will hang with a degenerate such as myself. LOL. More important than this, however, is that any girl who likes you, is one in front of which no fascade is necessary. In the end, there's nothing wrong with hanging with chicks just to hang with chicks. DO IT! YOU WILL HAVE A F**KING BLAST.

Follow my lead America. I know the standards of acceptible decency are different between individuals but I respect that. If I bring you along for the ride (no homo) you have to trust that I wouldn't try to get you to do anything you'd regret. Trust me, I'm a Show-chyatrist.


Live, Love, Amigos (the bar & friends)



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