As I sit here on this lovely Saturday afternoon typing my life away I thank the Gods above for the medicinal goodness bestowed upon me in the form of Advil, which has all but eliminated the throbbing (no homo) Patron-headache from last night. Yes it is nearly 6 O'clock and I am just awaking from a 5 hour nap, but F**k it...It's Saturday...and I aint got sh*t to do!
Now that my blood acidity levels are back to normal, my anti diuretic hormone levels have increased and my hangover has reached its end, I am left with the important post binge drinking task of figuring out "what the hell happened last night?" While I am in no way admitting to being blackout drunk, I can safely say that remembering something and cognisantly processing it through the lens of sobriety are two completely different things. This being said, I distinctly remember receiving an important phone call. While the aperture of my not so photographic memory seems to be open at the moment, during the time of the call, it offered just a brief, underexposed picture of the actual scene.
Yes, I was aware that I received a call from a law enforcement official telling me that a friend had warrants out for his arrests and it would be in his best interest to turn himself in, but is only today, post hangover, that I realize the hilarity and ridiculousness of the actual call. You are asking me, Mr. Stop-Snitching, raised on NWA's F**k the Police to ask someone to turn himself in? You can't be serious. Even more ridiculous, however, is the notion that surrender to authorities is somehow in the accused's best interest. LOL.
When has going to jail ever been in anyone's best interest!!!!????
If you can successfully answer the above question with legitimate answers (other than the fact that a person may be mentally sick and needs help, or the only other option is a shootout) then you have no reason to read the following list. If you cannot answer the question, however...read and enjoy. Bit**es.
Show's Reasons Why You Should Never Turn Yourself in
5. Police Get Paid to Track Down Criminals, Don't Do Their Job For Them.
Now this is not to say I am on some typical hood ni**a, Stop Snitchin sh*t. What I do believe, ironically, is that the men and women of law enforcement need to stay on their toes so that they will be more apt to protect us and our children from real criminals. How do you expect the police to be sharp and alert if we start doing their jobs for them. For those of you wondering how I know that the individual being asked to turn him or herself in isn't a violent offender themself, I simply say that 'if they were considered a serious threat, the cops would've bagged them already.' End of Story. Book em' Danno.
4. Jail isn't Going Anywhere. What's the Rush to sit in a 4 X 4 Ft. Cell?
Anyone familiar with the movie Forrest Gump should be familiar with the famous line "Run Forrest, Run!" See...you actually can learn something from watching TV.
People have been going on the lam for centuries. Why? Simply because there is no rush to give up the pleasures of this terrestrial paradise for the confines of a concrete block cell and steel toilet. Entire towns survive based upon the longstanding money making institutions known as prisons. Trust me...there will be plenty of room by the time you finally get there, and if not...I'm sure accommodations will be provided for.
3. If You're Guilty, You're Going to The Clink Anyway.
First off, unless you are Black in Alabama or Mississippi, I do not suggest going on the lam if you are actually innocent. For today's purpose I'm unjustly assuming that everyone we associate with is as guilty as a hooker selling erotic massages on Craigslist. This being said, what's the harm in a few extra months added to your sentence? At this point in time, a cost-benefit analysis is not even necessary. If the crime committed is serious enough that you need to go into hiding, the amount of extra time added for becoming a wanted fugitive will be so minuscule that you won't even notice. Whats an additional glass of water added to an ocean larger than then birth canal of Octomom?
2. Worst case scenario you will have to disguise your identity.
You may not be able to work and provide for yourself. Boo hoo hoo. Is being jobless & homeless really worse than Jail?? I will answer this for you, just in case you actually thought it was anything other than a rhetorical question...NO,NO,NO (Destiny's Child Voice...No Homo). Being homeless is not worse than Jail! You don't see homeless dudes raping each other and shanking people in the neck with sharpened toothbrushes.
While I have never been, I can only imagine that jail is the foulest, most vile place on earth. Unfortunately, I cannot get an unbiased accurate account of what jail is truly like, as anyone who's been there is consequently a criminal, and not to be trusted. LOL.
1. THERE ARE NO B**CHES IN JAIL!
Let me reiterate the fact that there are no B***hes in Jail. No girls, no ladies, no women, no babes, no chicks, no hotties, no slimmys (Will Smith Word), no Jawns, no Chickenheads, no NADA. As a matter of fact, to make matters worse, there are men there trying to rape you as a consequence of the lack of female presence. WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO TURN YOURSELF IN!!
In the end, I hope this is not misconstrued as my own encouraging criminal activity, as I do enough of that already. What this is, other than a tongue and cheek blog on today's Snitch-o-phobic society, is an appeal to the common sense of an entire generation. Of course you should not be out committing crimes, but if you are, do not be stupid enough to think that in turning yourself in, you are somehow bettering your circumstance or situation. Cops are smart dude, and are not above using trickery to put you behind bars.
Remember... If going on the lam seems like it is your only option, it most likely is...just don't show up at my crib with a wig and fake moustache or ask me for money.
Live, Love, Law & Order